


The Most Precious Gift

by Gracesgirl



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 18:57:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 63,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14338932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gracesgirl/pseuds/Gracesgirl
Summary: Another Carol and Therese fic, to follow "Of Mothers and Daughters" chronologically.A continuation of their story with some new characters added.





	The Most Precious Gift

**Author's Note:**

> Another re-posting of an old work. Taken down in a moment of fear; put back up with loving support.  
> It never would have occurred to me that anyone would need my stories. For those of you who told me, thank you.  
> You helped me find my Light.

 

 

     The late afternoon heat was blistering and Carol’s face felt blasted as if by a furnace as she opened the car door.  Stepping back she unconsciously waved her fingers back and forth in an attempt to cool the skin still uncomfortably hot from having touched the handle.  Mid-June was not typically this hot in New York City but this year its hardy residents were sweltering.  Air conditioners roared from those office buildings lucky enough to have them.  Street vendors stood sweating under their umbrellas.  A haze hung over the skyscrapers which seemed to funnel the heat downward where it beat mercilessly on the heads of harried office workers, leaving them more impatient than usual.

 

     As she climbed behind the steering wheel Carol felt her blouse sticking uncomfortably to her back.   She cringed as a droplet of perspiration snaked its way down the channel of her spine.  Rolling down the window, she pulled out into the flow of traffic. The breeze felt only slightly cooler, but this at least was something.  It had been a long day of work at the furniture store and Carol was happy to be off her feet and heading home to Therese.

 

     Had it really been only three months they’d been living together in the Madison Avenue apartment?  Time seemed to have flown.  The initial, heady days in which both Carol and Therese had felt birthed into a new life together.  The beauty and intensity of a Mother’s Day that brought them emotionally closer, and Rindy’s unexpected presence on that day that brought a surpassing joy.  And Carol’s furtive, and thus far unsuccessful attempts at locating Sr. Alicia, Therese’s “mother figure,” with hopes of reuniting her love with this woman she obviously cared for and respected deeply.

 

     Fighting traffic and honking impatiently at jaywalking pedestrian’s whom she felt a slight urge to run over, Carol allowed her thoughts to wander to her telephonic detective work.  It felt like she’d made innumerous calls to innumerous places trying to track down the Catholic nun.  At this point Carol was almost convinced the Vatican had had her shipped off to Rome to serve the pope, which seemed to be what Catholics liked to do.  Sr. Alicia’s whereabouts remained a mystery. Few people she phoned had been willing to disclose any information, almost as if the woman’s location was as tightly protected as the adoptions records of the orphans living at St. Agatha’s and other orphanages of the time.

 

     Pulling into a hard-won parking place behind their apartment with her thoughts still somewhat consumed, Carol exited the car and breathed a sigh of relief.  Home would still be steamy, but home was also cool fans, a relaxing drink, peace and quiet, and most of all, Therese. She smiled to herself, a sweet, dreamy smile, that of a woman in love. The apartment’s lobby had stayed somewhat cool, to her great relief.  Carol entered the dimmed space, appreciative of the large, potted, low-light plants, the colorful vases of seasonal flowers, the muted color scheme, and the hum of the ever-present ceiling fans. She was happy to be home and felt the city’s sweaty grime falling away as she glided through the lobby to the elevator.

 

     Entering the apartment Carol dropped her keys and purse on the front hall table as she kicked off her shoes.  She didn’t see Therese either in the kitchen or living area.  Padding softly to the sliding glass doors she peered out, but her love wasn’t on the balcony, either, not that Carol blamed her.  That left the bedroom which was where she found Therese, prone on the bed with two fans pointed directly at her cooling her arms and legs, exposed by the short, pink, cotton robe she wore.

 

     Leaning against the doorframe, Carol’s face bore a look of delighted enchantment.  She blew a wisp of blond hair out of her right eye and said, “Well, someone’s hot!” in a deep and husky voice.  Tossing her suit jacket on the side chair she practically sauntered over to the bed.

 

     Without removing her forearm from her eyes Therese replied, “No, Carol.  That would be you.  You’re hot!  I’m sweltering and uncomfortable.”  Even to her own ears Therese sounded irritable and cranky.  Which was quite accurate, she thought.

 

     With her forehead creasing with concern and amusement Carol dropped onto the bed, laying on her belly with her upper half propped up by her elbows.  “Darling?  You don’t sound like yourself.  Is it the heat or something more?”  The smaller woman did not move an inch nor take her arm from her eyes.  “Just the heat I guess.  The air conditioning at the Times broke down again.  I couldn’t wait to get home and rip off my clothes.”

 

     Images shot through Carol’s mind before she could even take a breath.  “Hmm…you could have let me do that!” she said in her most seductive voice.  Therese sighed.  Then she removed a hand from her eyes and looked at Carol with an eyebrow cocked and a small smirk on her lips.  “Any other time, yes.  Believe me!  But right now I just feel too uncomfortable.”  She shifted, turning over on her side and reaching up to pull a pillow down under her head, jostling it around until she felt content. Carol was struck once again by the younger woman’s beauty.  The flawless, smooth complexion, her cheeks now pinked by heat.  The graceful bent of nose, the enticing turn of lips, and those eyes!  Like gazing into a clear forest pond that reflected the greening life above it.  She often thought she could drink of that water forever.

 

     Therese completely and abruptly changed the subject by saying the very next thing that popped into her head.  “Would you believe that when I was 13 I ran away from St. Agatha’s?”

 

     Startled, Carol paused before replying, pulling her own pillow under her head and making herself comfortable.  “Actually, no I wouldn’t believe that.  You ran away from St. Agatha’s? And Sr. Alicia?  Why?  And why are you thinking about it now?”

 

     “I’m thinking about it because it was so hot that day, just as hot and humid as today.  Somehow the air even smelled the same.  As for why…I was very angry by that time and went through a real rebellious period.  Couldn’t stand the Home.  Couldn’t stand the itchy wool uniforms, the praying, the rules, the chores. Then Billy was adopted,” she recalled with an echo of old grief in her voice, “and it was like something broke inside me.  I couldn’t handle it.  I was so furious!  I started acting out, got really mouthy.  Snuck cigarettes!  And one day, I don’t know…I’d just had it.  I’m not even sure I had a plan,” she continued, shifting a thigh to balance herself more comfortably, exposing the smooth skin more, “I just packed a bag and left.”

 

     Carol allowed her eyes to linger on that enticing leg for a moment before making eye contact.  She reached over and tucked a stray strand of brunette hair behind Therese’s ear and asked with some alarm in her voice, “My god, you just left?  At 13?  Where in the world did you go?”

 

     “I hitchhiked across Pennsylvania to New York City.  I really didn’t have any plans, Carol,” Therese answered, and even now there was a note of biting rebellion in her voice.  Her eyes had a spark in them that made Carol think of the gas flame on her stovetop firing into life for cooking.

 

     “So what did you do when you got to New York?” 

 

     “I went as far as my savings took me.  I made sure to see the United Nations, Empire State Building, and Central Park.  And then I called Sr. Alicia.”  She looked down at the light blue sheets, rubbing a hand back and forth across the silky surface as if in search of that which soothed.  “She was so good to me.  She came to Grand Central Station on the train.  When I met her there I was so relieved to see her!  But I don’t think I gave a single thought to what I’d put her through.”  Therese shook her head, squinting as if embarrassed to see the picture called to mind.  “It’s only now I can see what a selfish little creep I was!”

 

     Carol could hear the self-recriminating tone.  “Adolescence is really a time when the world only consists of us!  Thank heavens we grow out of it.  You grew out of it, sweetheart, so give yourself the benefit of the doubt.”  She let go a heavy sigh.  “I’m just glad you were okay.  God, when I think of what could have happened to you...or imagine Rindy as a teen wandering around this city by herself…”  She shook her shoulders as if to ward off a chill and then suddenly bridged the small space between them, fervently pulling the younger woman into her arms and squeezing tightly.  And it felt to Carol as if Therese melted then, the tension of the demanding, hot and clammy day, and the stress of the memories it triggered being exhaled and swept away like a storm blowing out to sea.

 

     Inhaling Carol’s scent, Therese felt deeply the comfort of this place—the warmth in the crease of her lover’s soft neck, the strength of the arms around her, the exhilarating freedom of feeling so loved and accepted.  She tightened her own arms, trying to convey her gratitude, wordlessly rubbing Carol’s back in a loving caress.  Turning her head slightly she began placing gentle kisses in the hollow of that graceful throat.  And then there was a shift like the slow yet thunderous movement of tectonic plates sending tremors through her body, pushing heated magma through her veins with a pop and sizzle.

 

     Before another thought came Therese was kissing Carol with a fury, throat, neck, chin, cheekbones, eyes, and then to her lips which she ravished deeply, pushing her tongue into her mouth, almost desperate to find its mate.  Carol groaned, her own passion igniting as she searched for the belt on the younger woman’s robe, aching to feel all that warm skin beneath her fingers.  Both women were breathing in short staccato gasps, Therese pulling at Carol’s blouse and sliding a cool hand beneath and directly to her breast, an act which brought a wail from somewhere deep within the older woman that startled them both with its intensity.

 

     “Therese,” Carol breathed haltingly, “oh god, Therese….”  She moved on top of the younger woman, pushing a knee between her thighs, and—

 

     The phone rang harshly on the bedside table.  Startled, they pulled back and looked at each other with wild eyes and heaving chests.  It rang again, and Carol dropped her head briefly to Therese’s heated shoulder before reluctantly pulling herself upright and reaching for the receiver.

 

     “Hello,” she attempted to say calmly but still worried she was panting like an obscene phone caller.

 

     “Yes, hello,” came a pleasant female voice across the line, “may I speak with Carol Aird please?”

 

     Still panting, Carol paused, slightly concerned something might be wrong with Rindy.  “This is Carol.  Who’s calling please?” 

 

     “This is Alicia, Alicia Gallagher.  Well, you obviously know me as Sr. Alicia.  I understand you’ve been looking for me?  You know Therese Belivet?  How is that darling girl?”

 

 

 

  1. 2



 

 

     A startled Carol pushed herself abruptly into a sitting position, swinging her legs over the side of the bed.  What timing!  Feeling almost as if the nun had walked into their bedroom, she stumbled through her reply.  “Yes!   Er… yes,… I’m so glad you’re calling!  It’s just that at this moment I’m—  Carol’s breathing was still erratic and her heart seemed to be pounding in rhythm with the throbbing pulse in her loins.  She could feel Therese watching her, too, listening whether she wanted to or not.  “—I’m in the middle of something.  I would like to---, could I possibly—“  _Why_ _the hell can’t I talk_ , she thought irritably, struggling to find the social graces drummed into her since childhood.

 

     Sr. Alicia’s voice was soft and reassuring as she interjected, “It sounds like I’m calling at a bad time.  You’re out of breath, dear.  Like you’ve been mopping your floors or getting some exercise!  Would you like a number to call me back?”

 

     “Yes!” Carol almost shouted in her relief.  _Yes, I’ve definitely been getting my exercise!_   “Would you be so kind as to wait while I grab a pen and paper?”

 

     “Of course!  I’m in no hurry,” came the reply, and Carol hustled out of the room to the kitchen where she quickly rummaged through a drawer for the needed items.  Returning, she felt Therese’s curious gaze and made brief eye contact with her, feeling guilty that she wanted to hide the identity of their caller.  But for her own reasons, she did.  “Hello?  I’m back and I’d be delighted to have your number,” she said with the phone in the crook of her neck so she could write. 

 

     Sr. Alicia responded with her number and then, “You call me when you have a chance, Ms. Aird.  I’m anxious to make a connection with you and hear how my dear Therese is doing.  Bye-bye.”  And then the nun clicked to end the call.

 

     Carol settled the receiver back into its base, placing the pad and pen on the bedside table.  It seemed as if she was moving through a sea of molasses, stalling for time. She felt Therese’s eyes on her.  She had no idea how she would answer the inevitable questions.  Before even opening her mouth she felt the younger woman’s hand on her back and heard, “Carol?  Is everything okay?  Did something happen that we should talk about?”

 

     After another long, fruitless pause Carol turned around and expelled a sigh.  Catching the lovely green gaze she asked, “I suppose if I lie to you right now you’re going to see through it, aren’t you?”

 

     Therese giggled while offering a slow nod.  “Yes, I will.  You don’t stand a chance in hell!” she stated emphatically and twisted her face into an impish pout that somehow made Carol want to suck on her lower lip.  “I can almost see your mind trying out false explanations.”

 

     The older woman sighed again before coming to a decision.  “Okay, I won’t try even a little white lie, much as I’m tempted.  But sweetheart I can’t tell you the truth, either.”  She reached over and took hold of Therese’s hand, stroking the soft skin with her thumb.  “I just need you to trust me when I tell you nothing bad is happening.  I’m just…I want to give you a surprise gift, Therese.  That’s what the phone call was about.  I don’t want to say more…Can we just let this go now?” she finished with a beseeching note in her voice.

 

     Sensing her lover’s discomfort, Therese replied, “Of course, Carol!  I’m relieved nothing bad is happening.  I was worried maybe it was something with Rindy...But let’s just forget it for now, okay?”  She paused before beaming so brightly it took Carol’s breath away.  “Besides, I _love_ surprises!  I’ve never gotten a surprise present before!” 

 

     She just stared at her young lover, absolutely transfixed by her beauty, her delight, her innocence, and deeply moved by the guileless gratitude written upon her smooth and flawless countenance.  _How did she even come into_ _my life_ , she wondered once again.  Carol felt her own breathing deepen, and it was like being drugged.  She heard her heartbeat thrumming like the hooves of thoroughbreds on the plains at midnight, and a wild singing began in her veins.  _What is this freedom?  What is this_ _love_?

 

     Unbuttoning her blouse she never once broke contact with Therese’s darkening emerald eyes.  Her skirt fell next and then Carol came to her in only a slip, chest heaving with desire.  “Therese, sweetheart,” she whispered, lying beside the young woman and threading her fingers through the soft brunette locks, “I want you…I need you.”  She reached for the belt of the pink robe, untying and pushing it back over Therese’s silky shoulders, burying her face in her neck and inhaling deeply.  Her hands had a mind of their own, brushing soft caresses down arms, over hips, and up to the sweet face Carol adored.  She kissed her deeply then and with urgency and Therese moaned as her own desire flared.  “Carol,” she breathed, “oh, Carol…” 

 

      The older woman felt an ache building in her womb as she took Therese’s young breasts in her hands, squeezing one nipple as she brought her mouth to the other, glorying in the feel of her tongue upon the hardened nub.  Therese moaned again and it was like a blast of oxygen to Carol’s flaming passion.  Suddenly her mouth, her hands, her fingers were everywhere, and she felt Therese’s fingers, too, tearing impatiently at her slip, her bra, her panties.  Finally naked against each other, both women gasped at the intense pleasure.  The sultry heat of the late afternoon made them feel almost feverish, perspiration glistening on steamy skin. Unable to stop, Carol kept kissing down farther and farther still, settling herself between Therese’s thighs and bringing her lips to her moist, sweet center.  The younger woman spread her legs readily and it didn’t take long before Carol’s lips, tongue, and fingers were coaxing the most heavenly sounds from Therese.  The crescendo built quickly and soon erupted, and Carol gloried in the spasms of pleasure moving through the lithe body of her lover, the blissful cries she sang out, the ecstasy of this moment.  She stayed with her, loving the woman through her orgasm, floating gently with her down the other side before moving up to draw her near.

 

     Carol smiled, looking over Therese’s pink face, her fingertips moving along the moist hairline where tendrils of hair were curling in the humidity.  “Darling,” she said teasingly, “you must really be sweltering now.”

 

     Carol’s words were all Therese needed.  Her eyes flashed like lightning as her passion exploded.  Pushing the older woman on her back Therese moved purposefully, settling herself on her lover’s heated, beloved body.  “No Carol,” she whispered in her ear as she began to move.  “I’m hot now.  I’m _so_ hot.”

 

                                          ______________________________________________

 

 

     In the morning Carol opened the furniture store on her own.  Abby was away on a buying trip, and for this Carol breathed a sigh of thanks.  She was alone with her distractions and needed it this way.  Sr. Alicia’s number already sat by the desk phone, and the minutes seemed to tick laboriously by as she waited for a decent hour to call.

 

     Meanwhile, she pondered what she would say.  _Therese loves you.  You were her only mother_ _figure.  You were her swami and she mentions your wisdom all the time._ Taking a sip of her steaming coffee, she gratefully wrapped her hands around the warm cup as her thoughts continued to flow.  _I think she would love to see you.  I want to surprise her.  I’m Carol.  I’m her partner and I love her too._

She wondered how Sr. Alicia would react to Therese and Carol being lovers.  Only the truth would be spoken, of that she was certain.  How could it not?  They had worked far too hard for their love thus far.  And her own sacrifices!  She thought of Rindy and as always a swift shaft of pain darted through her, an unerring arrow that pierced her heart again and again.  Her daughter’s absence left a bleeding wound, one that would not be bandaged. But if she had it to do all over again she would make the very same choices.  Carol was astonished daily at the gift of love she shared with Therese.   But even without that—even if she was alone—she would rather be alone and live her truth.

 

     A sense of peace washed over her then, a deep calm that unexpectedly made her think of God.  Carol was surprised, for she was not even sure she believed in God.    _And maybe that should be my biggest worry_ _when calling a nun_ , she thought while dialing the phone.

 

     It was answered after one ring.  “Hello?”

 

     “Sr. Alicia?  This is Carol Aird.”

 

     “Well hello, Ms. Aird!” the nun said pleasantly.  “I’m delighted you called back dear.  And please, call me Alicia.  My friends call me Alicia.”

 

     Startled, Carol replied, “Well okay, Alicia.  And please, call me Carol.”  She paused.  “To be honest with you I’ve never spoken with a nun before….I’m not certain if there are certain protocols I should be following and—

 

     A light burst of laughter came across the line.  “Oh, dear me, there are absolutely no protocols as far as I’m concerned!  I’m a woman, Carol, just like you.  Let’s just talk as two women do.  Now please, I’m dying to hear about my dear Therese!  How do you know her?”

 

     Carol took a deep breath and plunged forward.  “We live together, Alicia.  She’s my partner.”

 

     There was only a moment’s pause before Sr. Alicia said so softly Carol could barely hear, “Deo gratias!  Deo gratias!  Oh, the darling girl has someone who loves her.”  The nun was silent then and a stunned Carol couldn’t speak.  She felt, though, that the phone line was alive, pulsing with an energy that left her lit from within.  Finally, Sr. Alicia spoke.  “So tell me, Carol, why are you calling?  Will I get to see my dear Therese?”

 

     And Carol answered fervently, “I want you to!  I think she would love to see you!  _This is what I’ve_ _been thinking_ ….” 

 

 

 

  1. 3



 

 

     Sr. Alicia returned the phone to its cradle, a small smile still gracing her face.  _Therese Belivet._   She hadn’t heard from the young woman since she left St. Agatha’s at the age of 16, perhaps five or six years ago.  Closing her eyes the nun could still produce her picture from memory, this despite the fact that hundreds and hundreds of children had made their way through the Home in her time there.  Dark hair, flawless skin, emerald eyes, delightful dimples.  Therese was always slender, almost too much so in her own opinion, quiet, introspective, artistic, athletic, a real tomboy who loved to be outdoors.

 

     Settling more comfortably in her chair, Sr. Alicia searched her memory for the name of Therese’s closest friend at the Home.  She could see a face but failed to recall the name of the red-headed boy who was the child’s sidekick through thick and thin, both of them romping inside and out, but especially out.  The nun shook her head wryly as she remembered the two children procuring jars and cans for the myriad “treasures” they would collect—worms, frogs, turtles, snails, guppies, ants, centipedes, fireflies, honeybees—always a gift from nature for those two.    They were forever on an “adventure”, Therese leading the younger child around, eventually with her Kodak Brownie camera slung around her thin neck.

 

     Heartbreak came for Therese when the boy was finally adopted, maybe when he was eight or nine.  Inconsolable, the girl withdrew completely, eventually becoming a sullen, angry, oppositional teen who finally ran away to New York.  _Kyrie eleison, Christe eleison._  Sr. Alicia breathed the prayer even now, remembering her terror when Therese eventually phoned from the city.  She couldn’t travel fast enough to reach the child, her stomach in knots and fear in her throat and this despite the unceasing prayers she prayed.  Therese wasn’t the first of St. Agatha’s children to run away and certainly wouldn’t be the last, but the dangers they exposed themselves to shook Sr. Alicia to her core each and every time. 

 

     _Therese, dear Therese!_   The nun felt the area around her heart seize with emotion.  There were children at the Home who were never adopted, and it broke her heart repeatedly and with certainty.  To be unwanted, to be abandoned, to have no family or place of belonging...this was the wound Therese bore, the lonely journey she had walked in her time at St. Agatha’s.  And Sr. Alicia walked with her, physically, emotionally, and in prayer on a daily basis.  It was its own kind of agony, this call to stay with those left behind, the unwanted.  But it was where the Lord had placed her and she had been faithful.

 

     And now—something to celebrate!  Therese had someone to love, and someone who loved her.  _Someone with whom she belonged._   Her conversation with Carol Aird left no doubt in Sr. Alicia’s mind.  That it was a lesbian relationship was unexpected, for sure, but she had certainly heard of this kind of sexuality and suspected that some of her fellow sisters had these proclivities.  _And what of it_ , she thought.  Obviously, the Lord created those for whom homosexuality was natural, and of course they would seek love within same sex relationships.  Obviously this was Therese and Carol.

 

       Closing her eyes Sr. Alicia allowed herself her musings.  Once again the awareness came to her that at 62, she felt she knew far less about the nature of God, love, and life than she ever did as a younger woman.  Two world wars had humbled her, and countless orphaned children had caused an immense suffering, a bottomless hollowing out.  She didn’t claim to have answers, and trite prayers were meaningless. It was all such mystery to her now, and she found herself able to be in this place, ever-faithful and allowing God to teach her, allowing life to teach her.  Through every moment, each person, every experience she firmly believed the Lord was shaping and molding her, and above all revealing His true nature if she looked closely enough.

 

     Rising to get herself a glass of water, leaning on her cane, Sr. Alicia smiled.  So far it seemed quite simple—she must love, love much and love always, love when it seemed most difficult to love.  She had never stopped loving Therese, and now she would offer Carol her love, too.  She drank down her water, thankful for the refreshing liquid so easily available.  So many blessings!  Not the least of which was the fact she would see her dear Therese again sometime soon!

 

     The nun took some deep breaths and centered herself in a prayerful place.  Lifting her heart she whispered,   _Make me a little less me and a little more You._   _A little less me, and a little more You._

                                                    ___________________________________

 

     Sometime in the midst of Carol’s busy afternoon Abby returned, enthused and excited over her trip.  She was an extremely bright, high energy woman with a talent for negotiation and acquisition.  Often speaking as quickly as she thought, she fired information at Carol, recounting her successes one by one.  But where Carol would typically listen with alacrity and ask astute questions, today Abby could see her business partner was clearly distracted.  So much so that it was only when Abby waved her hand in Carol’s face that Carol blinked, seeming to shake herself from a private and distant reverie. 

 

     “Carol?” Abby asked.  “Are you okay?  You don’t seem yourself today….”

 

     Carol made eye contact with her childhood friend, certainly the person who knew her best.  Smiling sheepishly, she answered, “Abby, I’m sorry.  I’m fine, really I am.  I’m just distracted.”

 

     Abby interjected forcefully, “No shit!  What does Therese always say, ‘It doesn’t take a swami?’  Well, it doesn’t take a swami to figure that out!”  She narrowed her eyes as if examining an upholstery tear or new coating of lacquer, searching her friend’s face closely. ”Did something happen to Rindy? Is she okay?”  There was an urgency in Abby’s voice now, her inflection indicating worry.  “Did you hear from fucking Harge for some reason?  Is it Therese?”

 

     The quick, successive questions made Carol feel dizzy.  Closing her eyes she took a deep, calming breath while holding up a hand to indicate the need for a break.  Then she exhaled and said, “Rindy’s fine as far as I know.  Harge--who cares?  And Therese is okay, too.  I just…Abby, I’ve been trying for weeks to find Sr. Alicia, and she finally called last evening.  We had a long talk this morning.  It was lovely! _She_ was lovely.”  Carol paused and exhaled again.  When she continued Abby could hear uncertainty and excitement.  “I’m going to surprise Therese with a visit from Sr. Alicia.  I think it would mean so much to her! I’m just kind of lost in the planning.”

 

     Abby opened her mouth and then closed it.  She shook her head slightly, then opened and closed her mouth again, making Carol think momentarily of large tropical fishes.  Finally she spoke.  “Are you thinking this through?  You’re inviting a _Catholic nun_ to your home.  The one you share with your female lover!  You know I’d support you in anything, Carol, but this sounds risky.  How do you know she’ll be accepting?”  Abby sounded angry and ready to pounce.

 

     Carol stood and began to pace, her beige linen skirt hugging the long line of her legs, her movements unconsciously graceful.  The late afternoon sun slanting through the showroom windows fell behind her creating a warm golden glow.  Abby could see dust particles floating in the sunbeam at Carol’s feet and it seemed to her like stardust sprinkled down to illuminate her friend’s pale blond beauty.

 

     Carol stopped and placed her hands on her hips.  “I’ve been thinking about that all day, Abby,” she said softly.  The ghost of a remembered pain scurried briefly past her deep blue eyes.  “I’m scared, to be honest with you.  But Sr. Alicia sounded so kind, and it’s clear she loves Therese.  I _just know_ Therese would love to see her, and I guess I’m willing to risk whatever reaction we might face.”  Coming to sit near Abby she crossed her legs and continued, “Sr. Alicia was Therese’s only mother figure.  She mentions her all the time.  I really think this connection will be good for her.”

 

     Abby was clearly not convinced and said with some trepidation, “But will it be good for you?  Carol, I guess I don’t think of religious people as any more accepting of our type than society as a whole.  What if she rakes both of you over the coals?”

 

     Carol sighed.  “I just don’t see it happening.  Certainly nothing she could say could be any worse than what I’ve already put up with.  And Abby, I’m not afraid of my truth anymore! My truth, my love, my life—I know who I am and I won’t and can’t deny it.”  Carol hugged herself unconsciously, stroking her hands up and down her arms repeatedly.  Seeing this, Abby came to her and enveloped her in a warm embrace, squeezing tightly.  “God, Carol, I swear I’ll injure anyone who tries to hurt you.  Including nuns!”

 

     Carol burst out in laughter, then pulled back to look into the amber eyes of her cherished friend.  “Hopefully then Sr. Alicia won’t be too large for you to take on!” she said with a twinkle in her eye.  She kissed Abby’s cheek.  “I just know it’s going to be fine. Please don’t worry.  Now, tell me all about your trip because it’s almost time to go.”

 

 

CH.4

 

 

     The waning days of June brought an end to the heatwave that had seized New York.  Coupled with the fact that daylight now lasted until well after 9pm, Therese found herself gravitating to Central Park most evenings after she and Carol had dined.  With her camera slung around her neck she wandered the paths, taking in the blooming flowers, the creeks and ponds, the colorful birds, and the fireflies that had emerged to flicker and twinkle through their short summer season.

 

     Every now and then she paused to take a picture.  Having just framed and clicked a shot of daffodils against a backdrop of rich green grass in the twilight, Therese exhaled a relaxed breath.  Photography was her balm.  Quieting and somehow meditative, she knew it helped her focus when she needed to focus and forget when she longed to forget.  Tonight her wandering and photographing was an avenue into such a peaceful state that she completely lost track of time.  Looking at her wristwatch she was startled at the hour’s lateness.  Biting her lip in consternation, she hoped Carol wouldn’t be worried about her as she started for home.

 

     Therese still wasn’t used to life with Carol.  She had scampered all over New York City for five years now and there was never anyone at home waiting for her, never anyone who would worry if she got lost in her art and came home late.  Now there was, and she still couldn’t quite believe it.  Carol was her _partner_.  They were a couple, making a life together, sharing their days and making future plans.  She still had moments when she felt this was all a dream, a chapter in someone else’s life that had mistakenly been written in her book. 

 

     But it was _her_ life, and her heart overflowed at this moment with gratefulness.  Sr. Alicia had always counseled her, _Count your blessings, Therese.  And if they don’t appear, look again._ She supposed that over time she had learned how to look in the nooks and crannies but now…the love she shared with Carol exploded before her like a burst of fireworks, the most bountiful, colorful blessings splayed out before her in ways she never could have imagined.  At this very moment she thought she could skip down 59th Avenue. Certainly, New Yorkers would consider that bizarre, so she allowed her heart a happy skip and smiled a secret smile.

 

     As soon as she let herself in the door, Carol rushed to her with a worried look on her face.  “Therese!  You’re late!  I’ve been worried!  Is everything okay, are you alright?”  She took Therese’s slightly clammy cheeks in her hands and peered closely at her face.  Carol’s own face was flushed, her cheeks pink with heightened emotion that made Therese think of a bed of wild roses.  Carol’s beauty momentarily took her young lover’s breath away.

 

     “I’m fine.  I’m fine, Carol!  And I’m so sorry.  I didn’t mean to make you worry.  I was taking photographs and just lost track of time.  Everything is blossoming and blooming, and kids were flying their kites…it was just such a beautiful night!” she finished with joyful enthusiasm shining in her eyes.

 

     Carol was stilled for a moment by Therese’s loveliness.  It was more than her stunning face.  Her beauty seemed to emanate from within, from a place Carol could sense but not capture or define.  It moved, amazed, and mystified her.  And right now it compelled Carol to bring their lips together.  Softly she brushed Therese’s mouth with her own, trying to convey this ardor and love that overwhelmed her.  She could feel Therese’s warm breath expelled on a sigh and couldn’t resist kissing her again, and this time their lips parted, warm tongue meeting warm tongue with a sweet sensuality that left them both sighing.

 

     Therese clasped her arms around Carol’s waist and buried her face in the crook of her neck.  Inhaling deeply she almost felt the scent of this woman becoming one with her own essence.  “Carol,” she whispered in awed wonder, “you…you’re my home.”  There was surprise and certainty in her voice, and her arms tightened while she placed tender kisses all along the older woman’s collarbone and throat before returning to her neck.  “I love you, Carol.  You’re my home,” she whispered again, her voice quivering with emotion.

 

     Carol wrapped her arms around the smaller woman, kissing her forehead and stroking her cheek tenderly.  “Ah, sweetheart,” she began, but then fell into silence, unable to find the words to express the powerful feelings suffusing her entire being.  After several quiet moments she kissed Therese’s forehead again and then pulled back to look into her eyes.  “I love you, too.  Sometimes I don’t have the words, honey…” And Carol’s eyes filled with tears as she hugged the slender young woman once more. They stood holding each other for a few quiet, peaceful moments, slow breaths synched in the most serene of songs.  Then Carol took Therese by the hand and led her to the sofa.  “Sit,” she ordered. “I’ll get us each a drink.”

 

     Carol returned with two tumblers of amber colored whiskey, handing one to Therese as she sat down on the edge of the sofa.  Taking a grateful sip, Therese sensed a change in the older woman’s energy, like a tuning fork newly struck.  “So darling,” she heard her ask, “do you remember how I said I wanted to give you a surprise present?”

 

     Therese’s eyes flashed.  “Of course, Carol!  How could I forget?  I’ve been waiting forever!  Is it time now?  What should I do?  Do I close my eyes?” she asked with a rising voice, her lithe body suddenly vibrating, moving about in excited agitation.  Carol laughed with delight. 

 

     “I’m so glad you’re excited!  And no, you don’t have to close your eyes.”  She paused to take a sip of her drink, grateful for the smooth taste.  “It’s just that I’m kind of being surprised, too.  I had planned this for Sunday, and here it is only Friday...but things have kind of been taken out of my hands.  So

I really hope you don’t mind, but we’re going to have an overnight guest.”

 

     Therese’s emerald eyes went wide with excitement and curiosity.  “An overnight guest? When? Who? Now?”  Her questions came out in rapid fire fashion and it seemed to Carol she was about to leap off the sofa.

 

     “Yes, tonight, darling but I can’t tell you who—that’s the surprise!” she said, joy animating her face until she looked lit from within.

 

     Therese just stared at Carol as if not comprehending.  “The surprise is …a person?  But who?” she asked, clearly still attempting to understand.  Carol moved closer to the smaller woman and took her hands, smiling gently. “Sweetheart, I can’t tell you but you’re going to know very soon!  I think you’re going to love this person though!”

 

     Still mystified, Therese continued to stare, and Carol could see the sifting and sorting happening as if her young lover was flipping through the files of “All Possible People” in her mind.  She needn’t work on this for long, though, because at that moment there was a knock at the door.  Startled, the two women turned in unison toward the front hallway, and Carol felt her heart leap into her throat.

 

     “Is this the surprise person, Carol?” Therese asked, anticipation hurrying each syllable along like an accelerating train.

 

     “Yes, yes, darling. Come see!” Carol encouraged, taking Therese by the hand.  Carol had no idea why but her own heart began to beat with such intensity she swore it was rattling her eardrums.  _I so want this to be wonderful for her,_ she thought.  As they arrived at the front hallway she instructed, “Go ahead, open the door.  There’s someone out there who wants to see you, love.”

 

     Therese opened the door part-way, peering out almost cautiously at first.  She made a sound that Carol couldn’t describe—a gasp, or sigh, or murmur, maybe all of these—and then pushed the door open so firmly it hit the wall behind it with a decided _thump_.

 

     Sr. Alicia stood there, a substantial woman wearing the black and white dress and habit of a Catholic nun.  Her pretty face was round with high cheekbones, her skin smooth and pink now as if from exertion, or excitement. A few white curls lay almost whimsically on her forehead, below which her blue eyes twinkled with merriment, and she smiled broadly showing even white teeth.  Her ample bosom was graced by a wooden cross, her left hand held a serviceable black purse, and in her right nestled the handle of the plain wooden cane upon which she leaned. 

 

     Shocked and stunned, her green eyes wide with wonder and recognition, Therese stammered, “But you’re…you’re…Sr. Alicia!  You’re Sr. Alicia!  It’s Sr. Alicia!” she cried out, looking briefly at Carol.  And then she flung herself at the nun where she was clasped lovingly by soft arms that held the young woman securely against her breast.  Carol heard the clatter of Sr. Alicia’s cane hitting the floor, and the sob that rose from Therese’s chest.  And then Therese was crying freely, tears of joy, wonder, and remembrance.  Carol felt her own eyes fill, a lump rising unheeded in her throat.  And Sr. Alicia hummed softly, squeezing the young woman, stroking her back soothingly.

 

     “Sr. Alicia,” Therese repeated, “I can’t believe it…I can’t believe it’s you.”  She pulled back far enough to see the nun’s face, still smiling and crying.  “I’m so happy!  I can’t believe it’s you.  Oh, I’ve missed you!”

 

     Sr. Alicia’s gentle eyes filled with tears then.  “Darling Therese, “she said, cupping the young woman’s cheek.  “My sweet, darling girl!  I’m happy to see you, too, child!  And look at you!  So lovely, so beautiful…” Her voice was thick with emotion, and she clutched Therese to her bosom again.  When she did, her eyes fell on Carol who had been watching quietly, standing gracefully apart with wet eyes and a reddened nose.

 

     “Therese child, now you must introduce me.  This lovely lady, tell me….”

 

     Therese turned to look at Carol, and her smile was brilliant.  Coming immediately to her side, she slipped an arm around Carol’s waist and pulled their bodies close.  “Yes!  You’ve obviously spoken, but this is Carol, Sr. Alicia.  My partner, Carol Aird!” she stated firmly, looking up at the taller woman with pride and love on display in her shining emerald eyes.

 

     Sr. Alicia beamed and limped to the two women, taking their hands in her own.  “Carol, it’s so good to meet you, dear!  So lovely to meet the one who has stolen my Therese’s heart!”  She paused and took a step back.   “And look at you girls!  You look like love!” she exclaimed joyfully. “What a blessing!  Deo gratias!”  She squeezed their fingers, and Therese remembered the firmness of that grip and the prayer uttered a thousand times before.

 

     Carol was deeply moved, so much so that she struggled for words.  Swallowing despite her constricted throat she whispered hoarsely, “You have no idea how much that means, Sr. Alicia!  You have no idea!” Then, remembering her manners, Carol smiled warmly and bent to pick up the nun’s cane.  Placing it in her hand she said, “Please.  You must come in now.  Welcome to our home!”

 

     As the nun began to walk Therese appeared to notice her cane and limp for the first time.  She came to Sr. Alicia’s side and put a steadying hand on her elbow.  Her voice was filled with concern as she said, “But Sr. Alicia, you walk with a cane now!  Are you okay?  Are you hurting?  You seem smaller!  And oh—The young woman stopped to look at the beloved face of her dear nun once again.  “You have hair, Sr. Alicia!  You have hair!  I _told_ Billy you weren’t bald!” she cried fiercely. 

 

     For a moment, an amused Carol could see a flash of the ten-year old Therese, and Sr. Alicia threw back her head and laughed, a full, deep laugh that had her stopping in her tracks.  “Therese Belivet, I love you, dear girl!  What did God make in you?  I thank the Lord, I thank Him!”

 

 

 

CH.5

 

 

 

     It was 11pm and Carol and Therese were in bed.  The excitement and emotional impact of Sr. Alicia’s arrival had tired them both, and now they lay relaxing, both with books in their laps and neither able to concentrate.  After having a cup of tea and a few butter cookies Sr. Alicia offered her profuse thanks to her hosts for the gift of their hospitality but confessed a need to retire to bed.  The elderly nun had looked fatigued and in obvious physical discomfort, her day’s travels catching up with her.  And so with promises of an extended talk in the morning she had hobbled to the guest room where all had been quiet for quite some time.

 

     With a sigh, Carol laid her book down.  Letting her head fall back on the pillow she sank into the softness feeling relieved, excited, happy, weary, and yes—blessed.  Sr. Alicia had been simply lovely, a warm, kind, accepting, wise, and very devout woman.  Her deep faith lent her a peaceful air which calmed Carol, while the nun’s sense of humor and easy laugh made her seem down-to-earth and very approachable.  There certainly had not been even the slightest intimation that Sr. Alicia would show hostility or rejection of Carol, Therese, or the relationship between the two women.  For this Carol was unspeakably grateful.

 

     “You can’t concentrate on your book either, can you?”  Therese’s questioning voice interrupted Carol’s reverie.  Turning to look at her, Carol smiled gently, shook her head and replied, “No.  This evening…seeing you reunited with Sr. Alicia…just taking that all in has been something.  And she is so delightful!  It’s so easy to see why you love her, Therese.  But—

 

     “It made you anxious to think about how she would react to us?”  As she did so often, Therese spoke Carol’s thoughts before she did.  Seeing Carol’s nod, the young woman added, “Me, too.  I think after that initial joy of seeing her I was a bit nervous about what she might say.  But don’t you think she was just so kind and accepting?”

 

     “Definitely!  Absolutely, darling.  It’s just so nerve-wrecking…”  She reached for Therese’s hand almost without thinking.  “I don’t even know how hard it is until I’m faced with it again.  The fear of being castigated, it…”  Therese watched Carol’s body shake with remembered pain and she squeezed her hand hard.  “It’s like I was flogged simply because of who I am.  Sometimes I’m not sure how to heal that.”

 

     Therese felt her heart ache, as if Carol’s pain had stabbed through it.  Longing to comfort this woman she loved, she placed her book on the bedside table and came to her, propping herself on pillows and taking Carol into her arms, surrounding her in a tender embrace.  Kissing the top of the blond woman’s head, Therese said, “Carol, you are so wonderful, so beautiful…I’d like to kill Harge right now but he’s not worth the energy.  But to bring that pain upon you…and the loss of Rindy!  God I’d like to do him damage!”

 

     The younger woman reached down for Carol’s chin, turning her face up so she could see her blue  eyes, dark with emotion now.  “But you!  You’re amazing!  Do you know that?  And what you did for me today…how you put yourself out for me, took this risk for me, and for Sr. Alicia.  I don’t know how I’ll ever thank you!  I feel so loved!”  She stopped to shower kisses upon Carol’s face, everywhere her lips would reach. Then she moved so she could face her, and took her hands in her own.  “And I _just know_ Sr. Alicia wouldn’t flog you, me, or both of us.  She’s so wise, so kind and accepting.  And she didn’t even flog me when I ran away to New York and god, I deserved it!  I think you’ll be safe with her…we’ll be safe with her.  I really think we will!”

 

     The older woman nodded.  “I think you’re right, sweetheart.  My instincts tell me this time with her is going to be a good thing for both of us.”  She paused to smile at Therese, and the younger woman could see the clouds abating, the worries being chased away by a cleansing breeze.  She reached up to take an unruly blond curl and tuck it behind Carol’s ear, marveling at the smooth loveliness of her face beneath her fingertips.  She cupped her cheek and then stroked her bottom lip with a thumb, unable to resist.

 

     Looking into the older woman’s eyes Therese saw something very different now.  Sensing their shared arousal, she came close and brushed Carol’s lips lightly with her own.  And then again, and again, the softness mingling with warm breath and Therese could feel her heartrate accelerate.  _The scent of_ _this woman_ , she thought, dragging her lips across Carol’s jawline and up behind her ear and that was when she heard her moan.  Getting up on her knees, she moaned herself as her tongue traced the shell of a delicate ear, then down her neck and collarbone to the hollow of her throat.  Therese was beginning to feel intoxicated, consumed by the love and desire she felt.

 

     Coming back to her lips, she whispered, “Carol, I want to make love to you so much.  Do you think this is okay with a nun in the house?”   Sighing, her breath becoming labored with desire, Carol whispered back, “Oh, darling…she’s not here in the bedroom. _Please_ make love to me.”  And she gasped as she felt Therese’s hand under her nightgown, moving over thigh and hip and belly until it found its target and enclosed her breast.  When she felt fingertips squeezing her nipple, Carol gasped with pleasure.

 

     “Carol!” Therese whispered firmly but couldn’t keep from running her tongue down Carol’s neck to the opening of her nightgown.  “No sounds!  I can’t do this if you make sounds!”  And then her mouth found the inviting nipple and Carol moaned.  “Carol!” Therese chastised her again, and when she heard her laugh softly and seductively the younger woman groaned herself as a shaft of desire shot straight to her groin.  “Oh my god, I want you, Carol.  I want you…”   She felt set aflame and she wanted to consume all of her lover.  It felt as natural and primitive as a storm on the ocean, the waves of her desire coming higher and with an energy that took her breath away.

 

     “Carol,” Therese whispered, “I love you. I want you. Oh, I love you.”  Here lips were everywhere now, her tongue leaving wet trails down the older woman’s arms and over her breasts where she savored her nipples, making Carol gasp.  Down her ribcage, over her belly and to the sensitive area below her navel, which Therese kissed erotically.  “No sounds!” the young woman murmured though she knew it was hopeless.  When Therese reached Carol’s center, bringing her lips to her most intimate place the older woman’s torso shot up and she cried, “Therese, oh god, oh that feels so good. Oh please…”  The young lover was suddenly struck by an intense joy that she could be here, that she could show her love this way…And when Carol eventually cried out at the height of ecstasy tears came to Therese’s eyes.  She stayed there with her lips until the shuddering stopped, and then she scooted up the bed to take Carol into her arms.

 

     They lay holding each other, skin wet with perspiration and hearts thudding until eventually their bodies gave in to the peace of this quiet, safe place they always found after the loving.  Therese kissed Carol’s forehead absentmindedly, reveling in her scent and the silky softness of her skin, so much of which was pressed against her.  Kissing Therese’s chest, the older woman murmured, “Thank you.  That was just so wonderful.  I needed to be with you this way.”

 

     “I needed this too, Carol.”  She moved so they were laying side by side so she could look into her lover’s eyes.  Stroking her cheek gently she said, “Although you’re terrible at being quiet!”  Carol smiled, saying, “You didn’t do such a good job yourself! And god, I do really hope Sr. Alicia slept through all this!”

 

     “Of course she did!  She slept through sixty rowdy orphans, I’m sure two women making love is a mere whisper.  But Carol…some time I really want to…well I want to…”  Her voice was sounding drowsy and Carol didn’t know whether to encourage her.  Therese sighed heavily.  “It’s just that my hormones go crazy sometimes and I just want to have sex.  Just for fun.  Just give in to what I feel and rip your clothes off when you walk in the door.  And have sex right there on the floor.”

 

     Carol stopped breathing momentarily and blinked rapidly in the darkness.  “Good lord, Therese, you have a way about you...God, yes, please rip my clothes off me some time, and let’s have sex in the front hallway.  Really soon if you want.  But let’s wait until Sr. Alicia leaves first!”

 

     Therese giggled softly and then yawned, suddenly spent, sleepy, and satisfied.  “Oh, I can’t wait!”  Carol yawned in reaction and leaned over to kiss Therese.  “Go to sleep, darling.  Tomorrow will be a wonderful day.”

 

     Already drifting off, Therese murmured, “Yes, a day with Sr. Alicia.  What a wonderful gift!”

 

 

 

Ch. 6

 

 

 

     On Saturday morning Therese was awoken by the smell of freshly brewed coffee tickling her nose.  She lay still for a few moments enjoying the enticing aroma and warmth of the bedroom where the early morning June sunshine snuck in around the edges of the draperies.  _How kind of Carol to make coffee,_ she thought, but then was thrown into sleep-muddled confusion by the fact that her slumbering form was right in front of Therese, the pale blond hair turned a brilliant white gold by the sun backlighting the long and gorgeous silhouette of her lover.  _If I only had my camera_ …

 

     But the coffee?  Ah, Sr. Alicia!  A huge, sleepy smile filled her face as she slipped from bed, finding and belting her robe as she made her way softly to the bedroom door. She saw the silver-gray curls first as she entered the living space, the sense of surprise returning because _Yes, Sr. Alicia has hair_!  Beautiful hair that glinted like a medallion hung in the night sky.  She also wore what Therese would call regular clothes, sitting on the sofa in a cream-colored robe and slippers, a thick book open on her lap.  She must have sensed Therese’s presence though her eyes were closed, because in a wry voice she stated, “Yes, child, I even wear night clothes.”

     Therese smiled, loving the sound of Sr. Alicia’s calm voice and stunned again that she sat there on the sofa as if she frequented this hotel often.  She replied, “They don’t have to be black and white?”

 

     “Thank goodness, no!”  The nun’s face broke into a contented smile.  “Come join me, dear,” she requested.  “Maybe you can bring us coffee?”  Therese was already heading for the kitchen while answering, “Oh, yes, be right there!”

 

     A few minutes later the two women sat side by side on the sofa sipping the warm, fragrant brew.  Therese found herself openly staring at Sr. Alicia and in her open-hearted manner said, “I feel a little bit like you’re a figment of my imagination.  I’m not sure how to have a conversation, what to say…”  She waved her hand airily about.

 

     Sr. Alicia smiled gently, her expression warm, blue eyes shining with a tender love.  “I understand!  I feel the same way, Therese.” Her voice sounded heavy with the weight of time’s passing.  “I’ve thought of you so much over the years, wondering where you were, how you were…I don’t necessarily think of all my children this way but you…I’ve always felt a deep connection with you, dear.”

 

     At her words Therese could almost feel a warm wind blow over a glacially cold part of her heart like a harbinger of spring in the Alps.  “I feel it too,” she said shyly.  “You…you’re very special to me.  Like a part of me.  Carol says I mention you all the time, Sr. Alicia.  I know I say, ‘It doesn’t take a swami!’  You’ve definitely been my swami.”

 

     The nun’s face broke into a huge grin, causing her cheeks to flush like two perfectly ripened red apples.  With her deep blue eyes and striking silver hair Therese thought her coloring altogether startling.  “Ah-ha, it doesn’t take a swami!  I haven’t said that for a very long time, my dear.  What a memory!  It doesn’t take a swami to tie your shoes at least.”  Her eyes twinkled the way Therese remembered.  “But life—oh my—in some respects it _does_ take a swami to get through it. Or in my case a very deep faith in God.”

 

     “I wish I had your deep faith.  I’m not sure what I believe, who I believe in.  And the world…it’s so scary, so cruel.  Wars, abandoned children, dead soldiers, injustice.  It seems like God has it all screwed up.  Or doesn’t care very much.”

 

     “I know dear, I know.  Ah, Therese.  Nuns aren’t above a crisis of faith any more than lay people.  I’ve slogged through my own and I don’t blame you for yours.”  She sighed so heavily it made her burp slightly.  Which caused her to look at Therese, at which point both women laughed heartily.  “It’s good to laugh, isn’t it?  It’s good to laugh and it’s good to love!  Let’s stop with the heavy thoughts for now.  I’m Irish and prone to melancholy.  Don’t want to lose my appetite, although that rarely happens!  What time does your Carol wake up?  How about if we make breakfast?”

 

 

                                                        ____________________________________

 

 

     Therese was pleasantly surprised to discover that Sr. Alicia was an accomplished cook.  _Although_ _what did I think, nuns don’t cook or eat?_ She sent the younger woman off to the corner grocery with a  list which would allow them to create a scrumptious brunch.  Picking through the fresh fruit and vegetables and then tossing ingredients for omelets and scones into the shopping basket Therese was once again struck by a feeling of unreality, like she was walking in a dream state _.  Am I really buying ingredients to cook breakfast with Sr. Alicia?  Did she really spend the night in our apartment?  Is she_ _really here, flesh and blood after all this time?_

Standing outside the apartment door, Therese heard the murmur of voices and unless Carol was talking to herself it seemed confirmation enough that Sr. Alicia was really visiting.  She opened the door with a bit of a bustle, the grocery bags banging here and there.  Glancing up she saw the two women sitting on the sofa with cups of coffee balanced on their laps.  Sr. Alicia was still attired in her robe and slippers while Carol was clad in her old tartan robe, feet tucked under and hair unkempt. 

 

     Hearing her come in, Carol exclaimed, “Hello, darling!  Let me help you.”  She glided over.  _Why does it look like Carol ice skates while the rest of us walk?_ she thought, struck as always by her grace and beauty. Sr. Alicia wasn’t far behind, her cane aiding her purposeful walk, and Therese was soon empty-handed.  Getting a closer look at her two companions she thought they both had color in their cheeks and looked comfortable and at ease.  She felt a tremendous sense of relief, the amount of which surprised her.

 

     “Okay, ladies.  This is a treat for me!” Sr. Alicia announced with pleasure in her voice.  “I love to cook and cooking for others is always a special delight for me.  I don’t want to force you out of your own kitchen so you’re welcome to help if you want.  But if you’d rather shower and dress, that’s fine, too.”  She barely paused before getting busy emptying the shopping bags and organizing her ingredients.

 

     Therese and Carol looked at each other, both thinking similar thoughts.

 

     “Sr. Alicia, we don’t usually have our guests cook for us,” Therese mentioned somewhat diffidently.  “Why don’t _you_ go shower and dress and Carol and I will cook.”

 

     Shaking her head vigorously the nun protested, “No, no, no.  First of all, I hope you stop thinking of me as a guest soon.  Consider me an old friend.  And second, it would give me so much pleasure to make our meal.  Really.  Please don’t take this from me!  So, would you like to help?”  Seeing the two other women nod in unison, Sr. Alicia clapped her hands in excitement.  “Wonderful!  First things first, both of you need to stop calling me “sister.”  Please call me Alicia.”

 

     Therese felt her mouth drop open in horror.  “Sr. Alicia, I can’t do that,” she said indignantly, her dark eyebrows almost scowling.  “You’re a _nun_!” 

 

     Sr. Alicia laughed.  “Close your mouth, dear.  I promise God won’t strike you dead if you call me by my given name.  Titles are so _formal_ and not needed here.  Unless you want me to call you Ms. Belivet and Ms. Aird?”

 

     Still with her mouth open, still frowning, Therese nonetheless acquiesced.  “Okay, I’ll try, Sr.—I mean, Alicia.”  For her part, Carol simply said, “Of course, Alicia.  Now, what can we do?”  Shortly thereafter the three women were happily cooking away, washing, sorting, chopping, mixing, baking, frying.  They got along famously, conversing easily, and this almost shocked Therese.  A Catholic nun, a New York socialite, and a formerly poor orphan photographer.  _What a strange trio_ , she thought with bemusement.  But as the cooking moved along, the nervous edges softened, and she could see that Carol, too, was relaxing, surprisingly without the help of whiskey or cigarettes.

 

     Sitting down to eat, Carol was struck by the simple beauty of the table--the late morning sun pouring in like warm honey, the lovely china patterned in blue and white, the royal blue tablecloth, the daisies in the crystal vase, and the wild profusion of colors in their bountiful feast.  A feeling of gratitude washed over her, to be echoed by Sr. Alicia who invited, “Give me your hands, girls. Let’s give thanks.”

 

     They held hands while the nun said a simple but heartfelt prayer in thanksgiving for the food before them and all who contributed to its place on their table.  She interceded for those who went without, and concluded by saying, “And Lord, I thank you most of all for these dear women, for the gift of the love between them, and for your Spirit that lives, moves, and breathes within them.  Grant them your love and your grace always.  Amen.”

 

     Carol was deeply moved and failed to stop her welling tears from spilling over and running silently down her pale, beautiful face.  Sr. Alicia squeezed her fingers gently, the compassionate gesture like a coda to her prayer.  Looking into the nun’s gentle eyes, Carol couldn’t stop herself from whispering, “I’m sure no one has ever prayed for us.  I don’t think people pray for—women like us.   _Thank you.”_

     Tears came to the nun’s eyes.  “Oh, my darlings, if people don’t pray for you it has nothing to do with you!  It has to do with them, with their inability to truly love.  I’ve been blessed with such grace.  So yes, I can pray for you, and love you, and celebrate you!” She clapped her hands with almost childlike joy.  “Your love should be celebrated!  It’s a gift, it’s the most precious gift!  Now…let’s eat, shall we?”  She beamed at her companions, both of whom were watching and listening as if entranced, mesmerized. 

 

     It was a delicious meal and they ate heartily, especially Sr. Alicia who did so while lamenting the fifteen pounds she’d been trying to lose “for thirty-five years or so!”  She proved to be a person of wide-ranging knowledge about cooking, music, gardening, and history.  She also had a keen interest in baseball, of all things, a topic about which neither Therese nor Carol could converse at all, which Sr. Alicia seemed to find shocking.  _Nuns like sports, too._  Therese felt like keeping a list.

 

     Near the end of the meal, as they were relaxing over coffee in the living room, Therese took a hesitant breath and said, “Alicia, can I ask you a question?”

 

     The nun’s look was appraising and shrewd.  “This sounds serious, Therese.”

 

     “It is.  I just want to know, I want to ask, well…why do you seem so okay about Carol and I?  Are you really?”  Her voice was soft and sad, filled with a heavy history.  Carol looked sad, too, and surprised that Therese was willing to ask the same question she’d wanted to.

 

     Sr. Alicia took a deep breath, tilting her head to one side.  She appeared pensive and somewhat pained by whatever thoughts she contemplated.  Looking from Therese to Carol she began, “When it comes to learning to love women of your type I was given a very special teacher, my sister Maggie.”  Her face clouded with pain.  “She died last year…a blood cancer.  I miss her every day.  Maggie was my closest sibling, my friend, my soul sister, and a lesbian.  She confided in me her attraction to women when we in high school…she had crushes on girls, not boys, and wondered what was wrong with her.”  She took another breath, closing her eyes briefly again as if to better view the memories playing out in her mind.

 

     “To me, Maggie was Maggie and it didn’t matter who she loved.  Not once in all the years did I question my love for her, or her love for women.  It was just ‘her.’  Just how she was born.  I could see that firsthand.  She had a partner for many years…Elaine.  What a lovely person!  We still keep in touch.  They were together thirty years and I probably think of her as a sister, too.  Maggie and Elaine had to hide, too…had to pretend, be careful.  My parents rejected them, the Church rejected them, our other brothers and sisters rejected them.  Society as a whole…oh girls, it was and is so sad, isn’t it?” 

 

     Therese and Carol had reached across the sofa cushion and joined hands, in solidarity with each other, and with Maggie and Elaine.  Seeing this, Sr. Alicia continued, “You will always be safe with me!  Always! It’s almost as if Maggie taught me to love you, and the Lord has done the rest.

 

     “I hope I’m not boring you, but I want to share something.  I had a deeply spiritual experience years ago that changed me, changed my heart.  In the Christian bible there’s a story in the book of Mark…Jesus is preaching to the crowds and He asks them, who do you say I am?  And scripture says the answer is, ‘you are the Messiah, the Son of God.’” Therese and Carol could not look away.  There was a fiercely wondrous look on Sr. Alicia’s face, one that drew them in and kept them with its magnetism. 

 

     “I was in chapel early one morning, just being with God.  I had read this scripture passage, I was praying with it.  And I could almost hear the Lord speaking to me, whispering in my ear, ‘who do _you_ say I am, Alicia?’”  She shivered then, her shoulders shook, perhaps with the force of feeling or something infinitely indefinable.  “And I knew the answer He wanted wasn’t the Messiah, or the Son of God, or rabbi or teacher…the answer the Lord wanted me to give was love!  ‘You are Love, you are Love, you are Love!’  And that the plan for my heart was to make _me_ into Love, if I let Him.

 

     The nun smiled at them, her eyes filled with gentleness and peace.  “It changed my entire world, darlings! It changed my path as a sister, changed my priorities, changed my heart.  And every day I offer my heart again, so the Lord can keep working on it, keep pointing out the places where I haven’t become Love yet.  It’s been hard and scary and difficult but I wouldn’t un-choose this path for a moment. Not for a moment!” she finished, looking at them both with a fierce and unnamable joy.

 

     Carol and Therese looked at each other, both deeply moved.  Therese saw something so wild and lush and alive in Carol’s eyes that she couldn’t resist the urge to be near her.  The younger woman crawled across the sofa and into Carol’s arms, plopping herself in her lap without even thinking about it.  Carol was so astonished she burst out laughing, her arms tightening in a loving squeeze.

 

     “Therese, years ago that’s what you’d do with me!” Sr. Alicia noted with a whimsical look in her eyes.  She gazed at the two women with a certain contentment on her face, like a mother supremely content to have her daughter married to the right person.  “I’m so _thankful_ you’ve found each other!”

 

     “Alicia…I don’t have words,” Therese stammered.  “That was…this is…You really _are_ my swami!  And I love you!”

 

     The nun laughed softly.  “Therese dear, I love you, too.”  She looked at Carol, addressing her directly.  “And you too, Carol, if you’ll let me.  Although usually I scare the heck out of most people when I talk like this,” she said with dry amusement.  Then she squared her shoulders as if ready to make an announcement.  “Now, enough of this. I’d love to pick our afternoon’s activity.”

 

     “Oh, of course,” Therese piped in enthusiastically.  “What should we do?  A picnic in Central Park, the art museum—

 

     “No, no!” Sr. Alicia shook her head vigorously.  “Let’s go to the Yankees game!  I want to see Mickey Mantle play and teach you two about baseball!”

 

 

 

 

Ch. 7                        Saturday Afternoon

 

 

     Sitting in Yankee stadium among 33,000 baseball fans, Carol had a moment when she inappropriately wanted to laugh hysterically.  Sr. Alicia, attired in the black and white dress and habit of her order, sat between herself and Therese.  If someone would have told Carol a year ago—even six months ago—that she would find herself at a Yankees game with a Catholic nun and a woman she loved wildly, she would have told them they were insane.

 

     Yet here she was!  Glancing to her right she saw Sr. Alicia and Therese both munching on hot dogs, Therese with a bit of bright yellow mustard on her upper lip.  The nun’s eyes never left the field of play, but Therese caught Carol’s look and smiled hugely, her dimples like quotation marks around her joy.  Carol thought the younger woman looked stunning and would have loved to lean over and lick the mustard off her lip.

 

     Sr. Alicia certainly had a passion for the game, which Carol was finding somewhat boring.  Growing up as the second youngest in a family of five boys and three girls, the nun shared that it was either “play baseball or be left out.”  Her hip kept her from playing now, but as a younger woman she loved playing on family holidays and trips home from the convent.

 

     Carol felt an elbow in the ribs from Sr. Alicia, who said, “Here he comes.  Mickey Mantle’s up!”  She pointed to home plate, where a stocky player with a “7” on his uniform was waiting for the first pitch.  Cupping her hands around her mouth, the nun yelled, “C’mon Mickey!  Bash it!”  Carol was so startled at the ferocity of her shout that she was silent for a moment before laughing and saying, “Wow!  You know how to cheer!”  Therese, too, laughed in total enjoyment of Sr. Alicia’s unrestrained eruption and noticed with amusement the spectators around them that were smiling surreptitiously.  She yelled again when her favorite player got a hit and for Carol the trip to the stadium was worth it just to observe her happiness and childlike fervor.

 

     The women left early as Sr. Alicia’s hip was getting very sore.  The pain seemed to fatigue her, and upon arriving back at the apartment the nun took some aspirin and went to take a nap.  Left on their own, Carol and Therese poured glasses of lemonade and went to sit on the balcony, shaded from the late afternoon sun.

 

     Lighting a cigarette, Carol exhaled while slipping her shoes off and smiling at Therese.  “Tell me, darling, how has it been for you to see Sr. Alicia?” she asked, handing Therese the cigarette so she could take a puff.

 

     “Carol,” Therese answered in a flabbergasted manner, “you really feel the need to ask?  It’s been so lovely!  Fun, relaxing, enlightening, comforting, amongst other things.  It’s the best surprise present—well, the best and only surprise present I’ve ever gotten!”  She smiled and her gratitude was reflected in her eyes.  “How has this been for you?”

 

     Blowing another gust of smoke into the wind, Carol contemplated her answer.  “She’s a remarkable woman, Therese.  Truly.  Listening to her talk about raising all the babies and toddlers…and the babies that died!  She’s seen so much suffering, hasn’t she?” 

 

     Swallowing hard, Therese had a very difficult time speaking.  Carol’s comments had unexpectedly cut like a knife through her heart, slicing open an old and remembered wound.  Seeing herself so clearly as one of the toddlers left at St. Agatha’s took her breath away. 

 

     “Therese?  Darling?”  Seeing the younger woman with her head down, unable to respond, a concerned Carol snuffed out her cigarette and drew her chair alongside her.  She put a hand under her chin, forcing her to look up and that’s when she saw the tears in her eyes.  “Oh, my…oh, sweetheart.”  It hit Carol than, this place of pain Therese was revisiting.  Putting her arms around her, she drew Therese to her breast, kissing her forehead, holding her tight.  “Oh angel, oh baby.  I’m here…I’m here.  Go ahead and let it out.”  The older woman held fast and suddenly a sob broke free from her young lover, and then another, great heaving sobs that shook her slender body and rocked Carol to her core.  “Oh, my love, my darling, oh, oh…”  Carol was aware in some part of her brain that she was uttering nothing of substance but she had no idea what, if anything to say.  She began to hum and as she did she encouraged Therese to sit on her lap where she could more comfortably hold her, humming and rocking back and forth in a timeless chant of love and tenderness.

 

     Finally, Therese calmed, her breathing settling into a quiet, low rhythm with a periodic hiccup. The young woman tucked her face under Carol’s neck, seemingly comforted by the warmth she found there.  And at this time the screen door slid open and Sr. Alicia stepped out.  Observing the two women, she asked, “Shall I leave you alone?”  Carol deferred to the younger woman, who pulled her face out, wiping her nose with the back of her hand and shaking her head. 

 

     “No, no, it’s okay.  Come out, Sr.—I mean, Alicia.”  She looked up with a wan smile, her eyes red and puffy, her face mottled with the remnants of suffering.  “It’s okay, come join us.  The worst is over,” she finished with a weak laugh.

 

     The nun sat on the only remaining chair with a slight grimace, her hip obviously still bothering her.  “Can I ask what happened, child?”

 

     Therese nodded, saying “I…I’m not sure.  I mean, nothing now.  I just had such painful feelings come over me.  Old stuff.  About my mom, about being abandoned.”  She looked at Sr. Alicia.  “Maybe our reminiscing about St. Agatha’s just provoked something.”  She sighed heavily.  “But here I am with the two of you now…so I’ll try to stay here.”

 

     “Can I get you a drink, sweetheart?” asked Carol.  “Maybe a whiskey?”

 

     “Oh, yes, that would be lovely.”

 

     Turning toward Sr. Alicia, Carol said, “And you, Alicia?  What can I bring you?”

 

     The nun smiled broadly, her pink cheeks rising like pillows for her eyes.  “Why a whiskey, of course!”

 

     Therese piped in, “ _You_ drink whiskey?”  She said this with such disbelief in her voice that Sr. Alicia let go a huge laugh seemingly drawn from the depths of her belly.  “Therese dear, did I not tell you my last name is Gallagher? I’m Irish, for heaven’s sake, of course I drink whiskey!”

 

     Now Carol laughed, rising to her feet to go get their drinks.  “Be right back.”

 

     Sr. Alicia reached over and clasped Therese’s hand gently.  “It’s a shocker, isn’t it, when old pains come rushing forward?”  Stroking the young woman’s hand, she unexpectedly brought it to her lips and kissed it.  “When that happens to me it can take my breath away.”

 

     Therese responded, “Yes, it can.  I wish it would all heal already…Do you think it will ever heal, Alicia?”  There was such a note of despair in her voice that the nun couldn’t help but kiss her hand again.

 

     “I think healing is always possible!  You have to be willing to clean out the wounds, though.  Sometimes old wounds get bandaged without being cleaned first, and I think they can fester for years, seeping for a very long time.”

 

     “But how do I clean them out?”

 

     “You’re already doing it!  Like today, just now…the pain comes, the feelings come and you share them with a friend, you release them.”  She paused, her pretty face molded with a pensive look.  “I think with Carol in your life now you may find the old pain comes about more frequently.”

 

     Therese looked at the nun in complete confusion.  “But that makes no sense!  If anything, Carol makes me very happy!  Why would old pain come out now?”

 

     “Darling girl, one thing I’ve learned over the years is that our psyches will rarely expose us to our wounds unless there are supports in place first.  The mind has emergency precautions, protections it keeps in place.”  Carol returned about then, carrying a tray with three tumblers of whiskey and a plate of crackers, cheese, and olives.  Placing it on the small end table, she sat while Sr. Alicia continued, “When you were by yourself, alone without the love of this dear woman it would have been too much to bear.  Now you have love, you have support, you have arms to hold you and another heart to help bear the pain.  So it may flow out more easily.”  She reached for her drink.  “You must be aware and remind yourself to release it, to let it go.”   Taking a sip of her drink she said, “Mmm, this hits the spot!”

 

     Sipping her own drink, Carol readily agreed.  “Yes, lovely!  Please, Alicia, have a snack while we relax a bit.”

 

     “You never have to offer me food twice!” the nun said merrily, reaching immediately for a cracker and piece of cheese.  “Oh, gosh this is delicious!” she said between bites.  “Girls, when I die make sure the mortician puts makeup on my cheekbones that thins my face.  It will be the one and only time in my life it won’t look fat!”

 

     Therese and Carol roared with laughter, such a sweet release from the sorrow felt just a short while ago.  The three women settled in with their drinks and snacks, a companionable warmth clearly obvious between them.  Looking from Carol to Therese, Sr. Alicia observed, “The two of you are terribly in love, aren’t you?”

 

     Both women smiled rather dreamily, Therese responding, “Yes, we are!  Is it that obvious?”

 

     Sr. Alicia laughed again.  “Please, Therese, give me some credit!  I may be a celibate but I’m not dead!” she said while Carol and Therese looked at each other with amused but somewhat mortified expressions. “It’s written all over you both.  Tender looks, tender touches, tender love. You’re very blessed, do you know that?”

 

     Carol took a sip of her drink before answering, “To be honest with you, Alicia, until this time spent with you I don’t think I’ve ever thought in terms of ‘blessings.’  I don’t think I take Therese for granted but I’ve never thought of being blessed by her.  It’s a lovely perspective, a lovely way of seeing our relationship.  Thank you for that.”

 

     “Carol, dear, most of us don’t stop to think about our blessings, me included.  It seems to be human nature to focus on the negative, on what we lack.  I’ve never asked you if you have a belief in God, but I find that whether we worship God or not we can still think in terms of blessings. Being blessed by life itself, for one thing.  When we think in these terms it keeps us from becoming arrogant.  We stay humble and much more capable of wonder.”

 

     “You are very wise, Alicia,” Therese said softly, almost reverently. “My swami!”

 

     “Yes,” Carol smiled and added, “and you’re becoming my swami, too.”

 

 

 

 

                                                     ______________________________

 

     Lying in bed together later, Therese contentedly leaned into Carol’s shoulder while stroking her forearm lightly.  She sighed rather heavily and said, “I’m really going to miss her, Carol.  Isn’t she just lovely?”

 

     “Absolutely! So kind, wise and yet almost childlike at times.  It’s quite a delightful combination. Her enthusiasm at the baseball game reminded me of how Rindy would probably react.  And can she yell!” she finished with a light laugh.

 

     “Oh, I know!” the younger woman agreed.  “Half the people around us were amazed, I think.  It seems like a woman who’s obviously a nun should be praying and not screaming, ‘bash it, Mickey!’”  She giggled with pure pleasure at the memory, and then released a thoughtul sigh. “But I worry about her health, Carol.  To have your Mother Superior order you into a lengthy sabbatical seems pretty significant.  I just hope she rests and recovers her strength.  It seems the physical pain from her hip takes a lot out of her.

 

     “I agree, sweetheart.”  She paused to take a deep breath, turning her face so her lips could lightly brush Therese’s forehead.  “Albany’s not too terribly far away.  We’ll have to drive up to visit, bring her good meals and just check up on her.  Make sure she’s resting.”

 

     “That sounds wonderful.  I still can’t quite believe she’s been here, though.  It’s like a wonderful dream.”  Therese pulled herself upright to smile at Carol.  “Thanks for making it happen.”

 

     “It’s been a great present for both of us!  A blessing!”  Carol brought a hand up to smooth Therese’s silky brunette hair behind an ear.  She marveled again at the younger woman’s beauty, the smooth skin and deep emerald eyes reminding her of lily pads on a placid mountain lake.  Cupping a cheek, she couldn’t resist leaning over and bringing their lips together.  Her lips felt so soft Carol moaned.  She loved the feel, the taste, the vibration of the younger woman’s quiet moan on her lips, and the wild eroticism of Therese’s tongue coming out to meet her own.

 

     “Lay down, Therese.  I want to feel you…” Carol murmured between kisses, a longing and ache resonating in her voice.  With the smaller woman beside her, Carol hooked a leg over Therese’s thighs, holding her in place.  She looked down at her seductive beauty and gave in to her own suddenly burning desire.  With blond hair cascading around her face and her blue eyes darkening with emotion, Carol smiled rather deviously.  “I think I’m going to torture you…” she whispered with delight, and Therese thought briefly about Little Red Riding Hood.

 

     Carol brought her lips to the warm, fragrant crease of Therese’s neck, running her warm tongue up behind the shell of her ear.  When she sucked on the soft skin she found there, Therese groaned out loud.  “ _No sounds_ , Therese,” the older woman admonished, her lips busily tonguing their way down and over her collarbone.  Purposefully bringing a hand underneath her pajama top, Carol found Therese’s nipple with radar efficiency, squeezing the hardening nub.

 

     “Ahh!” Therese gasped.  “Jesus, Carol…”

 

     Carol laughed softly as she began efficiently unbuttoning the pajama top, her lips quickly finding any exposed skin.  “Remember, darling, _no sounds_ …”

 

 

 

 

 

  1. 8



           

                          _To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving._

_Kahlil Gibran_

 

    

 

       Sr. Alicia adjusted her position on the sofa with a grimace.  Mornings were very painful with her arthritic hip, and today seemed more damp and humid than most.  On the edges of her awareness a darkness hovered, almost like the lingering night outside the living room window where dawn had yet to penetrate.  She sighed.  Pain was hard and her diminished capacities depressed her at times.  She felt heavy and clumsy with her cane and longed to be free of it even as she gave thanks for its assistance. 

 

     She supposed all those years of carrying babies and toddlers in her arms and on her hip had taken their toll.  She regretted none of it and would have walked the very same road again, carrying the very same children every step of the way.  But her current physical state was difficult to bear, and the pain could suck the life out of her at times. 

 

     Sr. Alicia sighed again and chastised herself for this heaviness.  But she could also offer herself the grace to be human.  Her expectations were often very high, perhaps echoing the suppositions she often heard from lay folk.  As a religious she often felt held to higher standards, as if her vocation would automatically assure a deep and unquestioned faith.  Her experience of her faith was anything but.  The many years of being immersed in suffering had challenged not only her faith but her very belief in the goodness of God.  She felt she had spent many years wandering in a desert of dry disbelief, awaiting reassurance that never came. Perhaps because of grace alone she had persevered and come out mysteriously on the other side.

 

     This morning she said a prayer of thanks, even in the midst of her pain.  The Beloved was there, the Beloved was there.  Her Beloved was close at heart.  She did not know how she knew this, but she did.  Beyond a doubt, she knew this.

 

                                                 ___________________________________

 

     Sr. Alicia had no idea how long she sat in her quiet space, breathing in the fresh air there that reinvigorated her spirit.  Her eyes were closed, breaths still coming slow, deep, and full when she heard a slight rustle followed by footsteps padding lightly in her direction.  Opening her eyes she saw Carol and Therese coming toward her, sleep-rumpled and unless she was mistaken, freshly kissed by their exchange of love.  She smiled benevolently.  Love was love, and in the presence of these women she felt its kiss herself.

 

     “Well good morning, dear ones,” the nun said warmly. “I trust you had a good rest?”

 

       “Yes, just lovely!” Carol answered, Therese nodding her head in agreement. They sat opposite her and arranged themselves to their comfort.  “And you, Alicia?  How was your last night?”

 

     The nun smiled.  “It was perfect.  Restful and undisturbed.  But I don’t like the fact that it was my last night.”

 

     “Neither do we!  Or that you’re leaving so early this morning.  But I’m trying to focus on how lovely our time has been.  I’ve never done so well with goodbyes,” Therese added somewhat wistfully, her green eyes bright with emotion.

 

     “Well darlings, perhaps we can set a date for our next visit.  Albany is really not that far away and the train ride in was rather quick.  And you’d certainly be welcome to drive up my way.  The countryside is so pretty coming out of the city.”

 

     Carol commented, “We’ve actually already discussed just that.”  She smiled pleasantly while brushing a blond curl away from her cheek and then chasing away an early morning yawn. “Therese and I need to come just to check on you and make sure you’re abiding by doctor’s orders and getting your rest!”

 

     “Oh, Carol,” Sr. Alicia responded with some frustration, “the doctor orders and then Mother Superior and forty other sisters become his enforcers.  I’m just getting so tired of resting!” she lamented, her blue eyes narrowed and pleasant face contorted in a rare scowl. “You’d think I was a piece of Dresden china!”

 

     “Alicia,” Therese began in a somewhat amusing but stern schoolteacher’s voice, “you need to rest, no matter how frustrated it makes you!  You’re 62, not 92, and chances are if you rest sufficiently you’ll have a full and complete recovery.  _Please_ tell me you’ll do this?” she pleaded, completely unaware of how youthful she sounded, how beautiful she looked, even in her oldest, most faded pair of pajamas with her brunette hair flattened to the right side of her head from sleep.

 

     Sr. Alicia laughed then, full and deep from her belly and the sound brought her a sense of relief, washing away the depression and frustration like a fresh breeze off the sea.  She’d always felt that the ability and willingness to laugh had been one of God’s greatest gifts to her.  At this moment it was cleansing, fortifying, and rejuvenating and she whispered a silent prayer of thanks.  “Yes, Therese dear, I promise I’ll rest and follow doctor’s orders because if I don’t you’re going to make me stay after school, aren’t you?” she asked with a merry twinkle in her deep blue eyes.

 

    A giggling Therese responded, “Of course. Every night for a week!”  The women enjoyed a laugh together, and then Carol went to start the coffee percolating since it wouldn’t be long before a cab would need to be called to take Sr. Alicia to church, where a fellow sister would meet her and ride with her back to Albany.

 

     As they enjoyed the hot coffee and some leftover but still delicious scones, Sr. Alicia looked from Carol to Therese across the dining room table and said, “This has been the most lovely visit!  Just so lovely to reconnect, Therese, and be a part of this life you’re making with Carol.”  After another sip of coffee she continued, “I shall pray for you both each and every day, especially that you may find comfort and acceptance in this world…in your world.  I know Maggie and Elaine struggled with that. I saw firsthand the fear and pain of rejection they lived with.”  She paused and took a deep breath.  “I think we get so much wrong girls, the world does…people do…religion does…”  She looked at each of them and her eyes were filled with sorrow.  Tearing up, she swallowed before adding, “I don’t know what happens to us after we die.  But I just feel in my soul that if we do stand before God we won’t be asked, What did you believe?  I think God’s question will be, How much did you love?  Because that’s what God needs us most to do—bring love, give love, be love!”  She sighed and looked at them almost sheepishly.  “Oh, listen to me, prattling on!”

 

     Carol jumped in, almost cutting Sr. Alicia off.  “You are _not_ prattling on!” she stated firmly.  “Alicia, you are so wise, such a wise soul…I could listen to you all day.  No wonder Therese has been quoting you since we met.  We have Sr. Alicia’s ‘swami-isms’ around here.  I think we’re going to start writing them down and the next time you come you’ll see them on the refrigerator.”

 

     Therese enthusiastically added, “Yes!  You’ll be immortalized in print in our household!  Either that or I’m going to take my favorite of your teachings, pair them with the best pictures I’ve taken, and publish a book: Sr. Alicia, Swami Extraordinaire!” And she beamed a smile across the table, emerald eyes glowing and dimples creasing deeply.

 

     Sr. Alicia bellowed then, one of her classic belly laughs.  “You two are so good for me!  You lift my spirits and fill my cup!”  Reaching across the table she clasped each of their hands and gave their fingers a warm squeeze.  “I can’t wait ‘til our next visit!”

 

     About an hour later, Carol and Therese stood in the apartment lobby with Sr. Alicia.  The yellow taxi seemed to pull up much too quickly, and then they were carrying the nun’s suitcase out to the street.  Therese hoped a swallow would chase away the tears that threatened to overflow but she was wrong.  Even before Sr. Alicia turned her way the tears flowed down her cheeks unheeded.

 

     “Oh, I’m so sorry, Alicia,” she stammered out, “I didn’t want to cry but it’s just that we’ve just said hello and now we have to say goodbye again.”

 

     “Ach, no apologies dear one!” the nun said, pulling Therese against her black-clad chest where the younger woman could smell the rose-scented talc she would forever associate with Sr. Alicia.  Feeling tears come to her own eyes, Sr. Alicia continued, “Don’t ever be sorry for crying, child!  Look at me, not much better.”  She put a gentle hand under Therese’s chin.  “You have my phone number, Therese.  This is a very different kind of goodbye than five years ago.  We can talk, we can write letters, we can visit.”  She turned toward Carol, who had been standing quietly apart to give the women their space.  “And you, dear Carol, please know how wonderful it’s been to have met you, and how deeply grateful I am to you for tracking me down and bringing my Therese back to me.  This has been the very kiss of God!  An act of the most precious grace!”

 

     Tearful kisses and hugs were exchanged all around and then Sr. Alicia got into the back of the taxi.  Rolling her window down, she said, “Remember we’ll keep in close touch.  And we’ll see each other very soon.  And don’t expect each other to be perfect!  God never asks that of you!  Go Yankees!”  She shouted, habit flapping in the wind as the car pulled away.

 

     Therese could hardly wait until they got into their apartment so she could reach for Carol.  She felt somehow stripped and longed for the physical comfort of her arms around her.  As if reading her mind, the older woman reached for Therese the very moment the door clicked, drawing her near in a consoling embrace.  Holding her tightly, Carol didn’t attempt to speak. What exactly could she say?  She just held Therese for as long as she needed, allowing the smaller woman the solace and peace of their quiet nearness.

 

     After a good while, Therese pulled away so she could see Carol’s face.  Wiping her runny nose with the back of her hand, she said, “She is so special to me, Carol.  I’m going to miss her presence so much!  And you!” the smaller woman stated with emphasis, “You!  How can I ever thank you?  How can I ever repay you?”

 

     Carol shook her head vehemently, her blond curls flowing across her cheeks like waves breaking on the ocean’s shore.  “No, no, Therese!  No, sweetheart, I don’t want you to talk in terms of paybacks!  Please, let this pleasure be mine and the gift yours with nothing else added or subtracted.”  She pulled Therese close to her heart and gave a mighty squeeze.  “Oh, sometimes I feel out of my mind with love for you,” she whispered.

 

     “Carol,” Therese whispered back, her voice muffled by the older woman’s shoulder, “you are so wonderful.  I love you so— Her words were interrupted by the ringing of the phone.  Sighing, Carol kissed Therese’s forehead and then went to pick up the receiver.

 

     “Hello, this is Carol.  Hi my baby!  Oh Rindy, mommy’s so happy to hear your voice.”  Looking at Therese with an expression of pure delight on her face, Carol motioned her over, putting an arm around her as soon as she was near enough.  She kissed the top of her head absentmindedly and motioned that they should sit.  “Yes, baby, I would love to play with you!  And of course, Therese, too.  Maybe some time soon, when daddy—

 

    “Hello? Hello?  Oh, Harge, I wasn’t expecting—I’m fine.  Therese is quite well, thank you,” she said with surprise in her voice, shrugging her shoulders expressively at the younger woman. “Is there something you wanted?  Ah, well, yes, that would be wonderful, you must know that!  The whole weekend?  That would be lovely…when were you thinking?  Okay, I’ll call you as soon as I can,” she finished, hanging up the phone.  Turning to look at Therese, Carol said, “Harge is offering for Rindy to visit with us for the whole weekend in three weeks’ time.”

 

     The younger woman raised her eyebrows and observed, “I gathered that from what I could hear.  That’s so wonderful, Carol!” And then impishly, “Did he blow a brain fuse?”

 

     “I have to wonder that myself, darling!  But he just said Rindy has been asking to come over ever since Mother’s Day and he wants her to have this time with us.”  She paused with a smirk on her lovely face.  “I want to say nasty things about him—I really do!  But Sr. Alicia just left and I just know she would frown on that, wouldn’t she?”

 

     Therese giggled.  “Probably,” she answered ruefully.  “So when will Rindy visit?”

     “In three weekends,” came the reply, “and all the way from Friday evening to Sunday evening! Oh, darling, I can’t believe it!  Two whole days with my Rindy!”  Carol’s blue eyes glowed with the light of love.  Then she frowned in consternation.  “Oh but—that’s the date of our next planned visit with Alicia.  I don’t know—I should have thought of it while talking to Harge!  Shit!”  She shook her head vigorously.  “Well darling, I taught you to drive for a reason, so you’ll just have to head up to Albany yourself,” she decided, although there was regret in her voice.

 

     Now it was Therese’s turn to issue a decision.  “ _You_ decide, Carol.  We can push back the date of our visit with Alicia, or yes, I can go myself.”  She scooted closer to Carol.  “I don’t think we have to know anything right now, do we?  What I do think is that we should count our blessings, especially this planned visit with Rindy, and that you should kiss me.  Kiss me and kiss me. And just so you know, _I’m going to make sounds_!”

 

 

 

  1. 9



 

     On Thursday, after her morning prayer time Sr. Alicia felt such a strong need to talk with her sister it made her teeth ache.  “Oh, Maggie, Maggie.  I miss you, Maggie,” she lamented out loud, alone as she walked the paths through the convent’s gardens.  _Will this ache never fade,_ she wondered.  A part of her doubted this.  Maggie had not only been her sister but a true soul companion, the person she shared more of her inner life and spiritual journey with than anyone.  It felt like a part of her went missing when she died—an arm, a leg, a large piece of her heart.  There was such a huge empty space where Maggie used to be.

 

     Arriving back in her room, she went about making herself a cup of tea.  _Chamomile_ , she thought, which always soothed her when she was hurting.  With honey.  It had to have honey, just the way Maggie and she used to fix it when they got together for a “soul session.”  Once the tea was ready, she sat down in her favorite rocker and picked up the phone.  It rang a few times before being answered.

 

     “Hello?” said a female voice.

 

     “Elaine!  Hi, darling, it’s Alicia.”

 

     “Alicia!  Oh, how lovely to hear your voice!  I was thinking of you not ten minutes ago.”  Elaine hesitated, and with sadness in her voice continued, “Do you know when I miss her the most I crave contact with you?  Is that terrible, Alicia?  Am I just using you?”

 

     “Ach, please don’t talk rubbish!  You could never use me, but even if you could, use me all you want!” Alicia stated with passion.  “I’m the same!  I was just out walking, missing her so much, so much Elaine.  And all I could think about was calling you and connecting.”  She paused.  “You are the strongest link I have to Maggie.  So maybe I’m using you, too.”

 

     “Oh please,” Elaine interjected, “as if you could ever.  Tell me how you are?” she asked with genuine interest and care in her voice.

 

     “You mean besides grief-stricken?  I’m okay, Elaine.  Still dealing with the hip pain and I hate it.  But I had the most delightful weekend!  A former boarder and I are back in touch, through the grace of God and goodness of her partner.  I spent the weekend with them.  Therese is my boarder, and her partner is Carol. What lovely women!  It was the most fulfilling time,” she said with a dreamy quality to her voice.  “You know, like we used to say with Maggie—it filled my cup!”

 

     “How long ago was Therese a boarder?”

 

     “She left about five or six years ago…struck out on her own in the midst of her very tumultuous adolescence!  Oh, that girl!  She brought me to my knees more than once!  Her mother abandoned her, she was never adopted, and pardon my language but all hell broke loose when she hit 14!”

 

     Elaine sounded perplexed.  “And you were happy to be in touch with her again?”

 

     “Oh yes!  Yes!” Sr. Alicia practically exclaimed, and then paused.  When she continued her voice held a note of whimsy and reverence.  “Elaine, I’ve had literally _hundreds_ of boarders through the years…and Therese…”  Her voice faded.  “She was sent from God.  Truly.  She was the one sent so that I could know what it might feel like to have a daughter,” she almost whispered.

 

     Elaine waited a moment, because it seemed this revelation needed silence.  “Alicia, how lovely then, for her to be back in contact,” she murmured.

 

     Alicia spoke in a soft, tender voice.  “Oh yes!  I can’t believe it happened!  Her partner, Carol, tracked me down on sabbatical and set up this surprise meeting.”  She stopped, seemingly to honor the occurrence, then continued in a hushed voice, “It was magical!  Wonderful!  I love that child as if she was my own!  Honestly, Elaine.  Like she came from my own womb! And Carol!  What a wonderful woman!  I felt so comfortable with them…like they were both immediately family.  And nothing about the fact that they were lesbians phased me in the least.  I think you and Maggie made that so normal for me… you know, that some women are born lesbians, that their love for each other is natural, just like heterosexual love.”

 

     “They were so lucky to have you then!” Elaine erupted with verve and certainty.  “You always accepted Maggie and I without question, Alicia.  You were such a blessing to us.”

 

     “It wasn’t hard, Elaine.  Remember, I grew up with her, shared a room with her for the longest time. Maggie confided so much in me…oh, god, I miss her so very much!”

 

     Elaine replied, tears clearly evident in her voice, “I know, Alicia.  It’s like a part of you dies, too, isn’t it?  My Maggie, the light of my life!”  She seemed to sigh, the most forlorn sigh imaginable.

 

     Alicia was too choked up to talk for a few moments, waiting before she spoke.  “She was the best, Elaine!  Sometimes I feel like I can’t even breathe without her…But I pray then.  The Lord helps.  Truly, the Lord carries me through,” she said with such wonder in her voice it made Elaine catch her breath.   Pausing, Alicia collected her thoughts before she continued.  “You know how crazy Maggie and I always were about the Yankees?”

 

     “Lord, how could I ever forget!   All those games I went to, and it’s the world’s most boring sport!”

 

     “Oh, shush!  It’s not boring! I got to go with Carol and Therese on Saturday!  Mickey got three hits!  It was great!  But that man…if I go to hell it’s going to be because of Mickey Mantle.  I was watching him in the on-deck circle and oh, Elaine!  I had to pray, “ _Father forgive me but I love Mickey_ _Mantle’s butt!”_

 

     On the other end of the line Elaine burst into such laughter she thought she’d wet herself. “Alicia, you are unbelievable!  There is really no one like you,” she added, laughter coming in little spurts.

 

      
     Still laughing herself, Alicia replied, “Please, Elaine!  Like I told Therese and Carol, I may be celibate but I’m not dead!  And those two…good lord, they reminded me of you and Maggie in your early days.  They practically ooze sex!  I think they were trying to hide it…fat chance!”  She giggled with glee, quieting before she continued, “It’s a special celebration, though—sexual love.  A special gift from God.  I may have never known it but you and Maggie and now Carol and Therese are certainly a reflection of how beautiful it can be.”

 

     “Yes, Alicia, it certainly was with Maggie.  We were meant for each other!”

 

     “It’s so good to talk with you, dear one!  And I was wondering…my sense is that Therese and Carol are so isolated.  And poor Carol!  The poor girl was humiliated in the wake of her divorce.  She had begun an affair with Therese, and her ex-husband successfully argued for custody of their daughter, Rindy, using a morality clause.  Carol has very little contact with Rindy.”  She sighed.  “This is her wound…her heartbreak.  It’s written all over her being.  Anyhow, I think both of them would be blessed by meeting you and who knows, perhaps even beginning a friendship.  Would you be willing to call them, make some contact?” Sr. Alicia asked.

 

     From the other end of the phone came silence.  To Alicia it was a silence so loud as to be deafening.  “Elaine?  Are you still there?  Are you alright?”

 

     In measured tones, Elaine eventually answered, “Yes, I’m here.  I’m just seething!  That Carol could be so punished, that society could be as it is, that gays and lesbians could be so ostracized and condemned.  Damn, Alicia!  It makes me furious!” she thundered.  “And I’m not even going to apologize for swearing!”

 

     “Oh, for heaven’s sakes Elaine!  Give me a break!  You’re not slandering the name of the Lord.  And I don’t blame you anyhow.  When Carol shared this information with me I wanted to find her ex-husband and really thump him!”

 

     Elaine took a deep breath on the other end of the phone.  “It’s just so unfair, so sad.  I’d like to do worse than thump the ex-husband.”  She took another deep breath, exhaling loudly as if clearing the toxicity from her body.  “Alicia, I’d be so happy to call Carol and Therese and at least make contact.  It would be my pleasure!”

 

     “Oh, thank you so much, Elaine.  She needs healing, love, and acceptance.”

 

     The other woman was quiet again.  “Do you even know how special you are?  Always looking out for others, always caring?  And loving so openly and completely!  You are a gift, Alicia!  I just love you!”

 

     Alicia made a sound of subtle dispute.  “Ach, no, I’m not special, not any more so than anyone else.  Perhaps I’ve just given more of myself to God…so God can work through me to bless others.  Now, enough of that blabber!  Let me give you Therese and Carol’s phone number.”  

 

 

 

  1. 10



 

 

     Therese was enjoying her Sunday morning.  Carol had gone out for brunch with Abby a couple hours ago now, and Therese was feeling content and relaxed, sorting through photographs and sipping her way slowly through a cup of creamy coffee.  Coming upon a stack of pictures she’d taken of Carol, she paused.  There were some very good photos, certainly because her subject was so stunning.  Therese heard herself sigh, a smile breaking gently across the smooth planes of her face.  _Carol, Carol_ , she thought, _how is it possible for someone to be so lovely?_  She gazed at a shot of her with her golden blond hair draped over an eye, the other eye a deep ocean blue, peering at the camera with a look inviting mystery, cheeks pinked with the flow of her energy and lips painted that irresistible shade of coral.  Therese actually felt a rush of blood to her fingertips, so strong was her urge to stroke Carol’s smooth cheek and run her hands through the soft, silky hair.

 

     She closed her eyes, throwing open door after door in her trove of memories.  The line of a collarbone leading to a bare shoulder.  Warm lips on the soft skin behind her ear, rich with the smell of her damp skin.  Two sets of limbs entwined in blue cotton sheets warmed by the morning sun.  Carol’s dazzling smile with wind whipped golden hair across her cheeks and the foaming breakers in the background.  The taste of her tongue in a wine-drenched kiss. 

 

     Therese was so lost in her pleasantly arousing recollections that she didn’t hear Carol turn the lock and twist open the door.  Stepping inside she placed her keys on the entrance hall table, the jangling of which jolted the younger woman back to the present moment.  Opening her eyes she saw Carol, regal-looking in her slim-fitting navy skirt, white silk blouse, and navy pumps, the latter of which lengthened the long, beautiful line of her body.  Therese allowed her gaze to follow that line from shoulder to torso to hip and down the lovely path of her slender legs.  She felt her heart thumping wildly in her chest and when her eyes met Carol’s the older woman was stopped from speaking by the look she saw—the deep emerald eyes awash with sharp arousal, pulsating desire and sexual tension.

 

     “Carol,” Therese stammered out around the rush of blood to her ears.  And then she felt something fierce and wild break free, like the powerful wind hailing a thunderstorm.  The pictures fell unheeded from her hands and she moved purposefully toward Carol, never breaking eye contact, caught up in the force of her own inner turbulence.

 

     Carol felt her mouth go dry and then begin to water.  “Oh my,” she whispered.

 

     “Carol, Carol, Carol,” Therese uttered as she reached her, sliding her hands up Carol’s arms, underneath the short sleeves of her blouse until she reached her shoulders, which she caressed even as she backed the taller woman against the door with her wiry, pulsating body.  “Oh my god, Carol,” she whispered the moment their bodies touched.  Therese brought her lips to the fragrant crease of Carol’s neck intending to leave a gentle kiss but her lips felt set aflame, her tongue shooting out immediately and her teeth shortly thereafter, biting down lightly on the tendon she found, then leaving a fervent, wet trail of kisses across her collarbone and behind Carol’s ear.

 

     When she felt the older woman’s hands in her hair she gasped and seemed to be thrown into a frenzy of passion.  Pulling at the buttons on her blouse, she sucked on Carol’s neck, glorying in the salty taste of her skin.  Frustrated with the buttons, she yanked the blouse out of the waistband of her skirt, desperate to feel the warm, silky skin beneath.  As she brought her hands up to the clasp of her bra she heard Carol moan, further inflaming the passion driving Therese almost insane with need. Panting, she ran her hands up and down the heated contours of the taller woman’s back and then around to her breasts which she clasped purposefully.

 

     “Carol,” Therese whispered forcefully as she squeezed her nipples. “Oh god, I want you! Please say yes!” she practically shouted, tugging on her nipples even harder, palming and pinching.

 

     Carol panted, “Yes darling, yes!  Please!””  She heaved a giant breath, feeling the perspiration gathering on her forehead in the apartment warmed by July, her arms and legs growing clammy with heat and desire.  Feeling Therese’s face duck underneath her shirt tails and zero in on a nipple, Carol groaned with need and passion.  When her tongue came out to taste and lash, she groaned even louder.

 

     Therese could not say why afterwards, but tears came to her eyes as she rapidly pulled Carol’s blouse over her head, disposing of her bra soon thereafter.  Reaching around the waistband of her skirt, she found and lowered the zipper quickly, almost tearing it down her legs.  She pulled her down to the floor as she felt Carol pulling her own shirt up and over her head.  Their remaining clothing followed soon thereafter. 

 

     When she felt the smooth, heated skin of their bodies touch Therese felt the tears begin to come down her face in earnest.  She felt nearly out of her mind with passion and need and desire and so deeply aware of her abiding love for this woman she thought she would burst.  “Carol,” she groaned, eyes closed as she kissed her breasts, nipples, shoulders and neck before taking her mouth in a crushing kiss, her tongue coming out immediately to plunge into the warm, wet recesses of her lover’s mouth.

 

     Carol gave as she received, her kisses deeply passionate and full of drugged desire.  Her hands ran all over the smaller woman’s skin, caressing, squeezing, kissing until they were both moaning in a duet of mutual passion and love.  “Therese, sweetheart,” she cried out as she felt a knee grinding into her womb.  “Oh…”  Nearly incapable of breathing, she gasped and grunted, the sounds coming from her throat primitive and desperate.

 

     Aligning their pelvises, Therese looked into Carol’s expressive eyes, now dark with passion.  She was so taken with her startling beauty the breath caught in her throat, and when she moved again it was to spread the older woman’s legs, stroking her inner thighs before moving to fill her.  Carol emitted a deep groan, eyes closed and head thrown back, and Therese leaned down to take a nipple in her mouth, tonguing and sucking and making the older woman gasp.  The feel of Carol’s fingers through her hair intensified Therese’s need, and she moved in a commanding and searingly erotic motion, kissing Carol deeply while pleasuring her deep within.

 

     “Oh, Therese, oh honey, _please…please_ ,” Carol moaned, her hips moving of their own accord, a fine sheen of perspiration shining now all over her body.  The younger woman kissed every bit of exposed skin she could reach, reveling in scent and taste and texture, her tongue tracing its way down mysterious and seductive pathways only revealed as they unfolded.  And when she heard and felt her lover cresting Therese found her mouth again, kissing her deeply through and until the spasms stopped, then burying her face in the fragrant, heated skin beneath her ear and holding her close.

 

     Both women were quiet in the aftermath, stroking each other’s skin tenderly, breathing relaxed, hearts beating slowly, legs entwined.  Neither felt the need to speak until becoming aware of the uncomfortable hardwood floor beneath them, when Carol said, “Darling, go get in bed.  I’ll bring us both some water.”  Therese used the bathroom and turned on the ceiling fan before pulling back the blankets until only the pale green sheet remained to cover themselves with.  She turned when Carol came toward her, resplendent in all her slender, lovely nakedness, a glass of water in each hand. “Hop in and I’ll hand this to you,” Carol said with an accommodating smile.  

 

     Therese did as suggested, crawling in bed and propping up pillows for both of them before leaning back and sinking into the softness.  Taking a sip of cool water, she realized her mouth was parched as the refreshing liquid slid down her throat.  “Mm, that tastes good!  Another blessing to count today!”

 

     “And what are some of the others?” Carol asked in a teasing and seductive voice.

 

     Therese turned to look at her, a smile playing about her lips.  “You, and you, and you,” she answered in a surprisingly serious voice.  “And then you again.”

 

     Carol’s eyebrows furrowed with some concern.  “Are you okay, darling?  You sound rather serious.”

 

     “I’m good, Carol.”  Looking her in the eye, Therese smiled sweetly.  “I’m glad that” she began, motioning with her head toward the front hallway, “was okay.”

 

     _“Okay?”_ Carol asked, astonishment clearly evident in her tone.  “You can’t be serious in saying that!”  But seeing her companion’s still serious face, Carol reassured her, “It was _more_ than okay!  It was wonderful!  Absolutely wonderful!” When Therese didn’t look convinced, Carol asked, “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

 

     Therese sighed softly.  “I’ve never really _done_ that, Carol…given in and just let my desires totally take over.  I know I told you I think about ripping your clothes off—and I do, all the time!”  Carol thought her look rather wolfish, her eyes glazed with intensity.  “But to actually do it…”

 

     “Well, how was it for you?”

 

     “Honestly, a little scary!  The feelings were so powerful…”  She paused and bit her lip.  “Carol, can I be completely honest with you?”

 

     “Of course, sweetheart!  Please.  Although this sounds rather foreboding,” she added with some hesitation.  She rearranged herself on the pillows, taking a sip of water and moving closer to Therese.

 

     “I just…well, I don’t really have experience with this.  I’m still learning about my…my sexual desires.  And sometimes I think I just want to…to…”

 

     “To what?” Carol encouraged softly.  “It’s okay, Therese.  You can tell me.”  She reached out and put her hand on the younger woman’s shoulder, her thumb caressing the bony prominence where shoulder met arm.

 

     Therese looked at her, biting her lip again, clearly still hesitant, with uncertainty reflected in the green pools of her eyes. But taking a deep breath, she appeared to gather her courage before saying, “Carol, the truth is that sometimes I just want to fuck.  I really do!  I just want to fuck, and I’m not sure if that’s okay!” she finished with lament and a kind of agony in her voice.

 

     A tremor of arousal shot through Carol but she pushed it away with firm determination.  Uncertain what to say, she hesitated, perhaps a moment too long because the younger woman almost cried out, “Are you mad at me?  Does that make you angry?”

 

     Carol answered quickly, “Of course not, sweetheart!  Of course not!” She paused, still uncertain.  “Therese, I’m really lost here…I want to understand.  Why would I be angry with you?  Don’t you think I have those very same desires?”

 

     The younger woman answered with distress still evident in her voice.  “Yes.  No—oh, I don’t know, Carol!  I just have these urges and they feel selfish and consuming and sometimes…wrong!  They feel wrong and I feel guilty!  I feel so guilty because I want you so much and I wanted you before Waterloo and before our trip and I feel like I ruined your life with Rindy and Sr. Alicia would be disappointed in me if she knew all this!”

 

     The older woman was stunned enough to feel a momentary immobilization, her fingers pushing her blond locks straight back from her forehead as she exhaled loudly. _Sr. Alicia!  How does Sr. Alicia even_ _enter into this?_ she thought, totally perplexed.  Before knowing what she wanted to say she turned her entire body toward Therese and picked up her hand, which felt cold and small within her own.  “Therese, honey--let’s talk this out, okay?  You seem so distressed and I’m confused but I can tell this is really important.  Okay?”

 

     Therese nodded, and her look was like a reflection of tempestuous seas whipped up in a storm. 

 

     “I need to say first that I am absolutely not mad or angry with you, Therese!  I’m not angry with you for coming on our trip or for anything that happened between us before, during or since!”  Carol squeezed her hand tightly.  “I don’t blame you for what happened with Harge and I, sweetheart.  _It’s not_ _your fault_ that I don’t have Rindy, either!  That was all my choice and God help me, I’d make the same choices again.”  She cupped the younger woman’s cheek in her hand, encouraging her gently to make eye contact.  “I need you to believe that!  I need you to try to let that all go, darling.  Especially any guilt you may be feeling.”

 

     Carol dropped her hand to Therese’s wrist, which she stroked gently now.  “As for your sexual desires…” and here her voice dropped, “they’re so normal, sweetheart! Most adults have times when they just want sex, plain and simple. It doesn’t make me mad at you at all!”  She smiled a happy yet seductive smile.  “I can tell you without a doubt that I feel the very same way.”

 

     Therese looked at her, and spoke with sadness in her eyes. “But it seems so selfish, just all about me.  And I felt that way after our trip, Carol.  That was—and still is the worse part of my guilt.  I wanted to be with you and I didn’t think at all about what it might mean for you, what could happen…It all gets so screwed up inside my head.  And then there’s Sr. Alicia!  What would she think?  She always said sexual love was sacred…this special bond between a man and woman.”  Suddenly her expression grew stormy, eyes narrowed and brows set in a slashing angle.  “You know, she left a lot out when she told me the facts of life!”

 

     Therese looked so sweet, so lovely and almost comically angry that Carol couldn’t resist leaning over and kissing her, gently moving against her softness, breath warm and inviting.  It took a moment but Therese responded, their kiss a tender meeting of tongues and wetness.  Carol allowed herself a soft chuckle, then pulled back, smiling.

 

     “Therese, adults _never_ tell kids all the facts!  I know Sr. Alicia was like your mom and let me tell you, most moms leave us on our own to figure it out.  And she’s a Catholic nun, so she’d have a kind of narrowed perspective, might she not?”

 

    “Yes,” Therese answered with some frustration, “of course, Carol.  That’s the problem!  Sex is supposed to be about making love, always this sacred thing.”  She grabbed at Carol’s hand.  “And with you, it is!  It is.  It’s sacred and wonderful and beautiful…it’s just not _all_ it is though!”  Her jaw muscles clenched noticeably.  “The other part…the wanting to fuck part.  It’s there too!  It’s there, it’s a part of it for me and it doesn’t matter if you’re a woman, either!  With you it all feels good and natural and just _right_.  It all feels like love with you, every last bit of it.  Even before, out there on the floor…  Oh, Carol” she sighed, “please tell me it’s all right.”

 

     Carol looked at her then, a deep well of pain reflected in her brimming blue eyes.  She took Therese’s hands in her own and brought their cheeks together, brushing against her with tenderness and compassion.  Then she all but whispered, “This touches my wound, too, you know…we’re in this together, darling.  And yes, it all feels like love to me.  You and me…”  Pausing first she continued in a somewhat awed voice, “I’m not even sure I believe in God, Therese, but when I feel our love at its strongest…it’s like God is there, too, in it with us.  Something deep and mysterious to me, bigger than me or you. Like Sr. Alicia says…it’s love we become.  How could God not be there?” she asked, still in a voice rich with awe and mystery.

 

     Therese exhaled and moved her head to the crook of Carol’s shoulder, brushing her soft brunette locks against the silky skin there, turning her face so she could smell the wonderful scent of this woman she loved so much.  “Carol, can you just lay with me and hold me now?”

 

      “Yes, sweetheart.  Come,” she said, pulling the younger woman down and against her chest, the two of them surrounded in warmth and pillows and the balm of their love.  She put her lips on Therese’s smooth forehead, leaving tender kisses here and there while she stroked her soft arm with comfort.  “Oh, Therese I love you!”  she whispered.

 

     Therese tightened her arms around Carol’s slender waist.  “I love you, too!  So much.”  After a short pause she said, “Did I tell you Elaine Hartsell called while you were out?  Maggie Gallagher’s partner?  You know, Sr. Alicia’s sister, the one that passed away last year?”

 

     “Since we didn’t do much talking when I walked in,” Carol answered playfully, “no!  But tell me all about it now…”

 

 

 

  1. 11



 

 

My dearest Therese,                                                                                                                                    7/5/1953

 

     It was so lovely to receive your letter, and to know that you’re excited about our upcoming visit!  Like you, I so look forward to your coming to Albany.  I’m sorry that Carol is unable to come also.  Perhaps at some point soon I’ll have the pleasure of seeing her and meeting Rindy, too!  I think you will enjoy the beauty of the grounds here.  If you’re willing to push an old nun around in a wheelchair then we’ll be able to immerse ourselves in nature’s grandeur, which I think has always fed us both.

 

     Your letter was so full of questions and reflections.  I want you to know first that I appreciate your trust!  I never take it for granted when you confide in me, and I hope I never do or say anything to damage that trust.  I’m human, so I’m sure there will be times when I fail but please know I desire your honesty…when and if I let you down you can always tell me.

 

     One of the things about your letter that made me smile was your very open and direct nature!  We have that in common, Therese!  While I find your openness delightful, my mother cringed at mine.  I was once seated next to Monsignor Callahan at a family dinner.  At one point he leaned in to ask for the butter and I promptly told him he had dandruff!  Mother would have liked to kill me, I’m sure!  You were always similar as a child.  I never knew what would come flying out of your mouth.  It was definitely an adventure!  Ah, dear one, sometimes I feel that in loving you I love a younger version of myself.  Which I’m sure is no coincidence.  The Lord works in both mysterious and not-so-mysterious ways!

 

     I’ve spent much time in prayer mulling over your questions about sexual love and the desires you feel for Carol. You may call me a “swami” but the truth is I need guidance just as much as anyone else, especially since the older I get, the less I feel I know.  Your reflections make me think of dear Maggie and countless nights spent lying in bed as she confided her inner life to me…her attraction to women, her sense that this was how she was born and that homosexuality was so completely natural for her.  I think I would tell you first that your desires sound very normal!  I didn’t enter the sisterhood until the age of 22 and remember well my own blooming sexuality and periods of wild desire for certain men!  You are young and I’m sure your hormones are running wild at times.  There is something to celebrate there!  But I always think that sexuality and sexual expression must be mutual to remain gift.  I know you love Carol very deeply and there is no element of exploitation, imposition, or abuse.  That is always what humans need guard against.

 

     And no, I certainly don’t think there’s anything “bad”, “wrong,” or “deviant” in your desire!  I’ve thought and prayed about this a lot over the years.  Your sexuality is part of your life’s truth, Therese.  I would suggest that you seek God _within_ that truth!  There is a very wise verse in the New Testament that I’ve explored much on my own spiritual journey: “The truth will set you free.”  I think there’s tremendous mystery here…who can say how God reveals His or Herself!  But I also know on a soul level that the seed of God’s presence in our lives is planted somewhere in our truths.

 

     I wish Maggie were still here, because she would be perfect for you to confide in!  I can tell you, though, that from many, many, heart to heart talks with my dear sister and soul mate I already see parallels between you and Carol and Maggie and Elaine.  She was so blessed to meet Elaine!  They were truly as they say, “a match made in heaven,” blessings to each other from the day they met to the day she died, and perhaps even now.  I sense this kind of love between you and Carol, dear one.  I hope you both nurture, respect, and honor that love always.  You will find God there!

 

     When I was young like you are now, in my twenties, I was so full of certainty and felt I knew all the answers.  My own spiritual journey is so different now.  I know that where I must stay is in the gray areas, in the mystery…We don’t often see this when we are young, and some people never do.  But I have found it is an act of the greatest humility to say, “I’m not sure,” and “Lord, teach me Who you are!” 

 

     So far, God has taught me that God is love!  Unconditional, accepting love!

 

     I must close now as I am aching and it’s become hard to sit at the moment.  (And this too, is a place I find God…in my suffering I have seen God’s compassion revealed.  Another mystery!) Only ten more days until your visit!  I truly feel so blessed that you want to come see me.  There is so much I’d like to tell you, and some wonderful sisters here for you to meet.  They will love you!  And you can tell me, too, all about your visit with dear, dear Elaine.

 

     God bless you, Therese, and keep you in the Light.

 

                                       Love,

                                       Alicia

 

 

 

 

  1. 12



 

 

     Carol finished reading and slowly lowered the piece of paper into her lap.  The eyes she raised shimmered with tears and Therese instantly understood.  When she first read Sr. Alicia’s letter she’d cried, too.  The experience of being accepted was uncommon in her world, in their world.  The look she shared with Carol now was one of deep empathy.

 

     “I don’t really have words…” Carol said softly, a tender smile reaching both her eyes and lips.

 

     Therese returned the smile.  “I know, Carol.  I can’t…there’s just never been anyone who’s understood me the way she does, and now she’s offering it to both of us.”  She shook her head as if still in disbelief.  “She’s always talking about counting your blessings.  She’s like the ultimate blessing!”  

 

     Carol folded the letter and placed it back in its envelope.  “She is, Therese.  And if we needed anything to help us get ready for Elaine’s visit, that was it!”  She exhaled, dropping her shoulders which seemed to have been attached to her earlobes.  “I feel filled with air somehow…like I actually might be able to breeze through meeting her.”  Then she caught Therese’s eye and for some reason, probably stress relief, they burst out laughing.

 

     Therese crossed the kitchen to be nearer to the older woman, placing an arm around her shoulders as Carol began pulling fresh bread and pastries out of a shopping bag.  “I think it’s all going to be fine!  If Elaine was Maggie’s partner, and Maggie was Alicia’s sister, it’s all part of the same good thing, isn’t it?”

 

     Carol turned, easily slipping her arms around Therese and pulling her close in a hug.  They held each other for a few moments, breathing calming and anxieties lifting as if riding the warm air currents around the apartment and out the open window.   When Carol spoke, the younger woman heard the relaxation in her voice.

 

     “Do you know I think you’re right, darling?  I think we’re going to find that Elaine will definitely be part of the same good thing, and that we’re going to have a wonderful visit with her.”  Kissing Therese on the forehead she turned back to the bread, picking up the slicing knife with a smile.  “Okay, the coffee is percolating, tea is made, fruit cut, and now the breads…have I forgotten anything?”

 

     “No, Carol. Remember this is just supposed to be as simple as possible, at Elaine’s request?”

 

     Carol pursed her lips while shaking her head.  “Oh, I know!  I just want to make sure though.”

 

     “Everything’s perfect!  Let’s just relax until she gets here.  Want to sit for a bit on the balcony and put our feet up?”  Watching her companion’s head swivel around, still doing last minute checking, Therese grabbed Carol’s hand and pulled her out of the kitchen.  “ _Come on_ , Carol!”

 

     “Oh, okay, okay!”  She exhaled audibly.  “A mid-morning cigarette sounds lovely.”  As they sat and passed the cigarette between each other Carol thought of how Sr. Alicia had sat in these very chairs with them several weeks ago having a whiskey to go with their shared laughter and tears.  She recognized the feelings of fondness warming her heart.  The woman was an absolute delight, a gem, and Carol regretted that she wouldn’t be able to go see her in Albany with Therese on Friday.  But she would be with Rindy, the mere thought causing a quickening in her chest, a joy she always felt in regard to her child.  Soon.  She would see her soon!  And hopefully she would also see Sr. Alicia not long thereafter.

 

     Hearing Therese gently blowing smoke skyward, the older woman looked over at her.  As usual, she looked lovely, today wearing a pale blue skirt with a sleeveless blue and white checked blouse.  Her brunette hair was tied back with a white ribbon, accentuating the beautifully defined cheekbones and making her luminous green eyes seem larger, shimmering in the soft morning light.  Her slender arms were tanned and fit and Carol had the unexpected urge to run her fingers over bicep and down forearm until she could clasp the delicate-looking wrist and bring it to her lips.

 

     “What are you thinking, Carol?”  Therese’s quiet voice brought her from her musings.  “I hear you!”

 

     She smiled pleasantly.  “Hmm…a little bit of this, a little bit of that.  Elaine, Maggie, Sr. Alicia, you and Rindy!” Carol’s happiness was clearly evident not only in her tone of voice but also in her full smile and the glimmer in her deep blue eyes, touched with a glint of silver-gray today.

 

     The younger woman’s gaze reflected the joy she saw.  “So many wonderful people to give many wonderful thoughts!”  she excitedly proclaimed.  “And best of all is RIndy!  Only a few more days until she’s here!”  She sobered slightly, a momentary disappointment clear on her face.  “I wish I could be here when she comes…”

 

     “Oh, darling, don’t worry about it.  I wish you could be here, too, but at least you’ll be back by late Saturday so she’ll have the whole day with you Sunday!  It’ll be fun, just the three of us, like Mother’s Day…and I’ll have alone time with her, too.  Swami Alicia doesn’t even need to remind me to count my blessings!”  The two women shared the sweet laughter of mutual understanding before being stilled by the doorbell ringing.

 

     Therese gave a small, excited gasp.  “Elaine’s here!  Oh come, come Carol!  Let’s go meet her,” she said hurriedly while bouncing up out of her chair like she’d sat on something hot.  Carol chuckled, easing herself more slowly into a standing position while smoothing her skirt and wondering distractedly if she had any lipstick left on.  “Yes darling, I’m coming,” she responded as she followed the lithe figure of her lover through the living room.

 

     As they approached the door, Carol suddenly stopped and tugged lightly on Therese’s elbow.  The younger woman stopped, too, looking up at Carol, a query plain in her eyes.  Carol smiled gently and pulled Therese into her arms, wrapping her close to her heart, upon which the surprised Therese lay her cheek and could feel the quiet, steady beat which comforted her so.  “Carol?” came the muffled question.

 

     The taller woman rubbed her cheek against the top of the brunette head and then bent to place a kiss on Therese’s cheek.  Her eyes glistened as she softly said, “I just love you, darling.  I can’t tell you how happy I am you’re mine.”  And without giving Therese the chance to reply, she opened the door.

 

     “Elaine?” Carol confirmed with her typical graceful elegance.  The woman peering back at them was neither short nor tall, of medium build, with light blue eyes and striking silver-gray hair cut short and styled expertly to frame her lovely heart-shaped face.  Her full lips were curved into a kind smile beneath cheeks stained pink by warm July heat, and the fine lines of life’s victories and losses were etched on her face adding depth and character.  She wore a pair of blue pedal pushers, a light pink, short-sleeved blouse and black loafers with simple silver jewelry accenting the arresting shade of her hair.

 

     Extending a hand to Carol, the woman replied, “Yes, I’m Elaine Hartsell.”  Her warm voice was kindly but not absent of energy.  “And you’re…”

 

     “I’m Carol Aird, and this is Therese Belivet.  Please, won’t you come in?” Carol invited graciously.  After shaking both women’s hands, Elaine followed them into the bright, airy living room where the mid-morning sun was streaming in through south windows.  It was a pleasant space with a lived-in look suggesting that Carol and Therese spent most of their time here.  Lemon yellow throw pillows made plump supports on the two sofas, and the coffee table was strewn with a stack of magazines and another of books.  Several of Therese’s photos sat on two small end tables, including a picture of Carol and Rindy taken on Mother’s Day that was so beautiful it could steal one’s breath away.

 

     Elaine was drawn immediately to this photo, walking over and exclaiming, “Oh my, what an absolutely gorgeous picture!  This must be your daughter, Carol?”

 

     Carol’s voice held pride and sadness as she answered, “Yes, that’s Rindy.  She’s four now.  And such a delight!  It’s a lovely picture, isn’t it?  Therese took it, as well as the other photographs in this room.”

 

     Elaine’s eyes roved around the room admiringly.  Looking at Therese with a smile, she said, “Alicia told me you were an up and coming photographer.  I can see how right she is!  You obviously love nature, don’t you?”

 

     Therese modestly demurred.  “Oh, I’m not so sure about being up and coming!  But I do love photography and yes, especially taking shots of the natural world.  I’m most at peace there, it’s calming somehow.”  She paused.  “Would you like coffee, Elaine?  You said to make this simple so Carol and I thought we might have coffee and pastries while we visit.  How does that sound?”

 

     “Just perfect,” the silver-haired woman replied.  As Therese went to gather the refreshments, Carol and Elaine settled into sofa seats, facing each other with the initial hesitation common amongst strangers.  Noticing this Elaine offered, “It’s a bit odd, I know…us coming together this way.  Alicia is so dear to me though, and so persuasive…’You have to meet Therese and Carol!  Please tell me you will!’  Can’t you just hear her?”  She smiled, amusement evident in her eyes.

 

     Carol laughed.  “Oh, yes!  I’ve only met Alicia once, but there’s something irresistible about her.”  She paused to consider her words.  “That inner light of hers…the sense of humor, sensitivity, wisdom, and energy.  We did a lot of laughing and crying that weekend, didn’t we, darling?” She addressed her question to Therese who had just returned with the coffee.

 

     “With Alicia?  Yes!  It was wonderful in so many ways…”  Her voice quieted as she poured and handed coffee all around.  Sitting, she addressed Elaine.  “She’s been one of the most important people in my life.  Her influence is profound…her love for me saved my life, I’m sure.  I’m not exaggerating, either.”  Therese stopped to take a sip of her coffee, then smiled at Elaine.  “Can you tell us how you met her?”

 

     Between sips of her coffee, Elaine told the tale of first meeting Sr. Alicia when the nun came to visit a former boarder of hers who was a student at the Catholic school in Brooklyn where Elaine was a physical education teacher.  Sharing a fondness for the student, the two women struck up a conversation.  Over subsequent visits Sr. Alicia suggested Elaine might want to meet her older sister, Maggie.  “You know how perceptive Alicia is, like she can see into your soul!  I felt slightly paranoid, as if I was wearing a shirt that said, “I AM A LESBIAN” on the back!  But after I met Maggie it was pretty clear to me we were a perfect match.”  Her voice faded as she teared up and her smile became faint.  Seeing this Therese spoke.

 

     “We’re so sorry to hear of Maggie’s passing, Elaine.  You’d been together so long!  I can’t imagine that kind of loss…”  Therese shivered then, truly horrified at the thought of Carol passing away.  “Can you tell us about Maggie, or is it too hard to talk about her?”

 

     Elaine looked at her with a surprised expression.  “Actually, I’d love to talk about her!  I’m relieved you asked.  Most people completely avoid the topic…I feel so isolated.  As if it’s not bad enough being a lesbian…then you lose the woman you love and it’s all the harder to talk about.”  She paused to sip her coffee, fidgeting slightly.  “I feel a little strange, though.  We’ve just met and here I am on the verge of telling you about my greatest love and loss.  This is not what I typically do!”

 

     Carol swallowed the bite of pastry she’d been chewing.  Her voice when she spoke was gentle, compassionate.  “Do you know I felt that way with Alicia!  I ended up telling her about things I’d never tell a perfect stranger!  Please don’t feel the need to confide in us,” she said, looking at Therese with a nod.  “But we can certainly listen.  I have to admit I’m curious to know what Alicia’s sister was like!” She chuckled lightly while once again bringing her pastry to her lips.

 

     “Maybe this open-hearted conversation is some of Alicia’s essence rubbing off on us all!   I swear to you even if I willfully decide not to share with that woman I always seem to end up baring my soul,” the silver-haired woman interjected.  Her face held a wistful look and there was a clear, sharp echo of pain reflected in the deepened blue of her eyes.  “But Maggie…”

 

     Therese asked, “So Alicia introduced you and the sparks flew?”  Her grin held the impish quality Carol knew so well.

 

     Elaine returned her smile, and this time it was full of joy and remembrance.  “God, yes!  She was so beautiful!  A taller version of Maggie…same dark hair, blue eyes.  Geez, I wanted to…well, you know…”

 

     Carol and Therese laughed, reaching for each other’s hands and exchanging a quick squeeze before returning to the delicious blueberry scones whose powdered sugar topping was stuck to the younger woman’s nose.  _I would love to lick that off_ , Carol thought with some amusement.

 

     Their guest continued, “We just clicked.  Immediately.  Maggie was a pediatric nurse, I was a teacher so we had a love of children in common. Both lapsed Catholics, not surprisingly, but very spiritual women.   Our talks…god, she was such a soul mate!  We spent hours and hours talking about God…and if there really is one.  Loved the outdoors, loved nature, loved the arts and eating.  And drinking!  She always said, ‘I’m Irish, you know!  She could slam back the whiskey! I’d be long gone and she’d still be at it.  And Alicia would always have just one!”  She pantomimed her interpretation of Alicia holding an imaginary shot glass and rolling her eyes heavenward. “The Lord wouldn’t mind me having just one now, would He?”

 

     Therese giggled.  “And did you have an answer for her?”

 

     “Are you kidding?  All that God stuff is her territory and I was more than happy to leave it that way.”  Her tone changed, becoming thoughtful, serious.  “Not that she would mind, you know.  I’ve found Alicia to always be humble and so open to learning from others.  It’s a very beautiful quality. Maggie was that way, too.  So was the oldest sister, Patrice.  Maybe when you grow up poor in a family of eight children your britches don’t have the chance to get inflated.”  Then she quieted.

 

     Changing the subject, Carol asked, “Where did the two of you settle?”

 

     “We ended up out on Long Island.  A small cottage where I still live.  It wouldn’t have been wise for me to live with Maggie and be near my workplace.  I’m not Catholic but there’s a certain standard they hold teachers to.  And well, you know…Long Island is a more liberal-minded area, if there is such a thing.”  She hesitated, then asked, “Can I ask how the two of you do with that sort of thing?”

 

     Carol flinched, almost as if struck and both of the other women saw her distress clearly.  Therese reached for her hand and held it securely.  Seeing this Elaine commented, “Oh, I’m sorry!  A painful thought for you Carol, obviously.  Please don’t feel the need to tell me.”

 

     Carol thought for a moment and then said, “You know, Elaine, I will some time.  But just now I find I can’t go there.  It has to do with my daughter, and I’m to see her next weekend and I just don’t want to get all stirred up.”

 

     “Oh gosh, of course!  I’m glad you can say what you need and feel okay about it. I’m probably about forty years older than you and I’m still working on that one!” she said with a self-deprecating laugh.  She sighed then, adding a tender smile.  “Maggie was good that way, too.”  The other two women watched a lifetime of memories play across her pretty face, and then on their heels the great sorrow of her loss opened like a chasm at their feet.  She raised eyes filled with tears and sniffled.  ‘I’m so sorry.  I didn’t mean to cry…”

 

     Therese could feel her heart clench as she felt Elaine’s sadness.  “Please Elaine, please don’t apologize,” she counseled with gentleness, and Carol couldn’t help but think how much older than her years her girlfriend sounded.  “I’m glad we could listen, glad you can talk about Maggie here.”

 

     Still sniffling, Elaine replied, “I can’t tell you what a relief it is!  It’s so awful…no one will acknowledge _we_ existed, I have no place to take this grief!  And I could always talk to Alicia but so much has changed since her breakdown that I hesitate to really lean on her.”

 

     Therese and Carol looked quickly at each other, and then back at Elaine.  Therese ventured to ask, albeit tentatively, “Did you say breakdown?”  She was aware of a physical tightening in her chest and pawed at her heart almost painfully.

 

      The older woman quickly ascertained that they didn’t know what she was talking about.  “Oh no…”  she whispered, “oh my, you didn’t know, did you?  I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

 

     Carol was suddenly feeling protective of Therese.  Scooting over on the sofa she put an arm around her and drew her into the crook of her shoulder.  She tightened her grasp before responding for both of them, still somewhat in shock.  “No, we didn’t.  I don’t…Alicia had a breakdown.  When?  Can you at least tell us that much? Was it recently?”

 

     Elaine sighed heavily.  “Right after the war ended, 1946.  It was just all too much.  Too much stress, too much loss, fear and anxiety, babies dying…It all caught up with her.  Her past came back with a vengeance and that was the last straw.  Her doctors said it’s at the times we’re most stressed that old ghosts can come back to haunt us.”  She stopped suddenly.  “But I feel I need to stop now.  I didn’t realize Alicia hadn’t told you.”  

 

     Therese piped in, “Alicia and I were just reunited after six years apart and Carol met her for the first time so it wasn’t exactly the time and place for it.  I’m sure she’ll talk with us when and if she wants to.  But, just…is she okay now?”

 

     Their companion softly said, “She’s much, much, _much_ better.  Really, she is.  Maggie’s death was just such a devastating blow on the heels of her recovery though!  That poor, dear woman.  She’s suffered so much!  And have you noticed she’s still so lovely?  I don’t know how she is who she is!  Alicia told me recently it’s God who has gotten her through, although there was an extremely dark time for her spiritually, too…”  She let out a deep breath.  “The two of us joke around that without the other to prop us up we’d fall flat on our faces!”  Then she looked at them again, this time with some embarrassment.  “Do I seem like a real downer?  God, I must seem like a complete wet blanket.  Therese, I picture you picking up the phone as soon as I leave and calling her, ‘Uh, Alicia…what in the world did you sic that woman on us for?’”

 

     Therese laughed and exclaimed, “Absolutely not, I won’t!  You’re lovely!  Right?” she asked, looking at her partner with unnecessarily stormy eyes.   And now it was Carol’s turn to chuckle.  “Well, darling, that look you just gave me hardly makes me want to disagree!  Geez!”  Turning to Elaine, Carol continued, “We’ve absolutely _loved_ your visit.  And yes, you _are_ lovely…I’m sure we’d be delighted to have you again, or meet for a drink, or—

 

     Elaine interrupted, saying, “Well, how about the next time you come out to Long Island?  Dinner and drinks?  Drinks and dinner?  Or just drinks and a walk on the beach?”  Her eyes shone with an inviting warmth and pleasure, the pain of her loss fading into the background for a grateful moment.

 

     “Or all of the above?” Carol replied, her voice deep and pleasant.  “I’m sure we’d love it.  A walk on the beach and a glass of wine sounds heavenly to me.”  With the decision made, the women settled in to enjoy the remainder of the pastries, fruit, coffee and tea, their banter light and easy as they spoke of current events and their work histories.

 

     When it was time to go both Carol and Therese saw Elaine out with grateful and warm hugs and promises to get together soon.  Closing the door, the two hostesses stood for a moment, wordlessly gazing at each other.  Carol spoke first.  “Well,” she began, that was…”

 

     Therese nodded, coming into her partner’s arms easily, slipping her arms around Carol’s waist and laying her cheek on her chest.  Tucking her head closer, stroking the soft brunette hair, Carol whispered, “She really is such a special woman, Therese.”  She paused.  “Is everyone associated with Sr. Alicia an exceptional person?  Her depth, her life experiences…I feel like I pale in comparison.”

 

     Therese pulled back quickly, looking up at Carol with those stormy eyes again.  “You do not, Carol!  Don’t even say that.  You’re no less special.”  She sighed heavily.  “We’re just so much younger…the life experiences Elaine has had…and Maggie.  And especially Sr. Alicia!”  she said passionately.  “Oh god, Carol, it breaks my heart to think of her having a breakdown!  I can’t imagine it…what must have been happening for her.  I wish I could have known!  Then I would have been a support.”

 

     “I know, sweetheart.  I feel the same, and I just met her!”  Now Carol pulled back and turned Therese’s face up to her own with a gentle finger under her chin.  “But you’ll see her soon, and you’ll be a friend _now._ Isn’t that one of her swami-isms?  Stay in the present moment and give your love there because it’s the only time there is.  Or something like that, hmm?”

 

     Therese smiled sweetly, laying her head back on Carol’s chest and promising, “I will, Carol _. I will!_ ”

 

 

 

 

 

  1. 13



 

 

 

     After Elaine’s visit, Therese and Carol found they each needed to throw themselves into the busyness of chores and other odd tasks around the house.  Until sitting down for dinner they hadn’t seen much of each other, Therese having also spent time out of the apartment taking photographs.  When they climbed into bed that night it was with a certain satisfying sense of having lived a full day.

 

     Laying side by side they enjoyed the simple pleasure of just holding one another, stroking and touching tenderly from time to time.  Reaching over to run a thumb over Carol’s irresistible bottom lip, Therese seemed almost lost in her thoughts.  She studied the beautiful face across from her, its planes, angles, and colors, as if standing in front of a painting at the Met.  _She could be a painting_ , she thought, stunned once again by Carol’s beauty.  She moved her fingers to cheekbones and brows with the kind of reverence she thought she might touch a Michelangelo with.  As if from a great distance, Carol’s soft voice penetrated the younger woman’s awareness.

 

     “Darling?  Therese?”  With a hand on her shoulder and a light squeeze, Carol finally got her partner’s attention.  When they made eye contact, Carol observed, “Where’d you go?  It felt like you were a million miles away.”

 

     Therese smiled sheepishly but continued to gently stroke Carol’s face with the backs of her fingers.   “I’m sorry.  I don’t know what I’m thinking, I guess.  Just enjoying the beautiful woman in front of me.”  She paused, her brows furrowing as a thought came to her.  “Hearing Elaine talk about her relationship with Maggie today really made me think, though.”

 

     Carol was now rubbing small circles in the younger woman’s soft shoulder with her thumb.  “Me, too, sweetheart.  What were you thinking?”

 

     Therese’s fingers finally stilled, and she brought her hand down to lay on the cool green sheet between them.  Taking a deep breath, she caught Carol’s eye, fascinated by the silver flecks that seemed to glint in her blue irises.  “Okay, I’ll be honest.”

 

     Her companion chuckled.  “And you were thinking of lying?”  There was amusement in her tone.

 

     Therese had the grace to smile.  “Well,” she began, elongating her vowels, “no, not exactly lying but…not being honest, either.”  Seeing Carol’s eyebrows arch, she went on, “I just…I found it hard to listen to Elaine at times today, Carol, much as I really, _really_ wanted to be with her.  All afternoon, though, I was traipsing around Central Park thinking that love is just so _risky!_ I’m petrified at the thought of losing you some day, and I don’t mean because we choose to break up or something.  I mean the death thing…Jesus!  That’s just _so awful_ to even think about!”  She stopped to breathe, not even realizing she had been holding her breath.  “Do I have to keep being honest?”

 

     Carol’s eyebrows furrowed.  “Therese!  Of course you have to—no, I _want_ you to be honest.”  She’d begun stroking a soothing hand up and down her partner’s arm and clearly saw the fear in her emerald green eyes, so dark now in the dim light of the bedroom.

 

     Therese exhaled loudly, fidgeting and moving her legs about.  “Okay, here’s the thing.  But I don’t want you to take this personally!  I thought about this a lot today, and it’s all me!  I just had this moment when I thought that at least when I was totally alone in the world I didn’t have to risk the pain of losing anyone, and maybe that’s the easier way to live…”  Unable to stop moving about so restlessly, Therese finally pulled herself into a sitting position, crossing her legs in front of her but immediately beginning to rock back and forth.  Feeling odd at this new angle, Carol moved to prop pillows behind herself so she could see Therese at eye level. 

 

     Seeing Carol comfortably settled, Therese continued sharing.  “Not that I want to be out of our relationship, because I don’t!  It would kill me!  I was just alone for so very long.  And now there’s you, and I already lost you once, and Sr. Alicia’s back in my life, and we met Elaine, and I hope to grow closer to Rindy,” and this made Carol’s heart tug, “and for a little while I thought I might lose my mind today!  And…Genevieve says a lot of couples don’t talk about the kinds of things we do,” she went on, mentioning her closest friend at work, “that lots of time people just have sex and talk about who had to take the trash out and what the weather was supposed to be like tomorrow.  Not like we do…you know, sharing our hearts, I guess we could call it.”

 

     She felt like she was babbling but somehow couldn’t stop.  “But Carol, really…could you imagine if you came home and I said, so, Carol, what’s the weather supposed to be like tomorrow?”  Scrunching up her entire face comically, she asked, “Doesn’t that seem absurd?  Not as risky maybe, but what a waste of time!”

 

     Carol couldn’t help it, she burst out laughing at this last comment and dearly hoped Therese wouldn’t be offended.  “Yes darling,” she said with laughter still in her voice, “yes, that would seem absurd!”  She shook her head while reaching out for Therese’s hand.  “It all depends on the timing with those kinds of questions though, doesn’t it?  Couples have to talk about the mundane or the ship sinks.  But I think Genevieve is right in some respects.  Many couples do just try to stay with sex and mundane discussions.  I know Harge and I certainly did, and I didn’t even want the sex,” she said ruefully and not without sadness.  “I think we do share at a deeper level, Therese.  And you’re not the only one who finds it nerve-wrecking at times.”  At the vulnerable tone in the older woman’s voice, Therese squeezed her hand and then moved slightly closer to her.

 

     Carol looked into her eyes unwaveringly.  “But there’s no getting around it, honey.  When you love someone, you could lose them.  For any number of reasons!  My parents have died, and look at where things are with Rindy,” she noted, unconsciously grasping her nightgown directly over her heart.  She drew a deep breath.  “I’m not going to avoid the obvious loss either, Therese.  Look what we’ve already known with each other!  Our time apart…our broken hearts.”  Seeing her partner almost cringe made Carol stop and almost recklessly pull her into her arms.  She rubbed her hands up and down her slender back consolingly while biting her own lip, something Carol rarely did.  Then she released a sigh. “I don’t have easy answers, love.  I don’t think there are any.”

 

     Carol released Therese to look her in the eye.  “I had my own time to think this afternoon, too.”  She smiled in a manner that indicated self-mockery.  “I had myself convinced I can’t let you drive to Albany by yourself because it was too risky!”  At this, Therese’s eyebrows arched and her dimples came out.  “I have the same kinds of feelings you do, darling.  Maybe we spent the afternoon apart but experiencing similar thoughts and fears.  I don’t know what we do but keep living, though…keep living and keep loving.  I suppose we both could be alone, apart from each other but that sounds so awful, _so awful_ ,” she finished, shaking her head and shivering slightly.  “Let’s lay down now, sweetheart?  This is a hard conversation to have sitting up!”

 

     They turned out the lights, and then arranged themselves into a comfortable spoon position with Carol in back.  Reveling in the deep comfort of feeling Carol’s arm come around her belly, Therese felt her body sink into the mattress.  She felt like she’d just run a mile, or maybe an emotional mile of some sort.  As if reading her thoughts, she heard Carol’s voice even as she felt her warm breath on her neck and shoulder.  “Christ, that was exhausting, wasn’t it?”  Nodding, Therese answered, “Yes, maybe not the best time for heart sharing, huh?”

 

     They were quiet for a good while, finding solace in the nearness of the other, comfort in a place no words could go.  Both women could feel themselves calming as a peace settled upon them.  Very quietly, Therese spoke.  “I’m thankful for this,” and Carol could hear the deep gratitude flower from her words, and almost see another green shoot force itself joyfully up through the brown earth.

 

     Feeling her own heart flutter, she just as quietly replied, “I am, too, sweetheart.  I am, too.”

 

     “And Carol,” the younger woman said with sleep creeping into her voice, “you don’t have to worry about me driving to Albany. I drove through the mountains of Colorado, you know.”  She yawned.  “I’ll be fine!  To be honest with you, I’m far more worried I’m going to say ‘fuck’ in front of fifty nuns and really blow them out of the water.” 

 

     Carol’s eyes flew open in the darkness, and then her body began to shake with laughter.  “Therese!” she stammered haltingly.  “Where do you get this stuff?  You are…you are a one and only!”  When she received no response but the deep, measured breathing of her now sleeping lover, Carol yawned and pulled her lithe body even closer. 

 

     “I’m so thankful,” Carol whispered into the darkness in case anyone might be listening.  “So thankful.”

 

 

 

CH.14

 

 

 

     Friday morning Therese was scurrying around gathering last minute items for her trip.  Carol was hurrying, too, as she tried to get out the door and to work on time.  But the older woman was also having a hard time hiding her worries about Therese traveling to Albany by herself.  True, she had done a good portion of the driving on their trip out west and was no longer a novice behind the wheel of the Packard.  But it was all the unexpected eventualities that had Carol worried.

 

     What if the car broke down?  What if she ran out of gas?  What if she ran into some unsavory characters at a roadside rest place?  This last thought so frightened her that she stopped in her tracks on her way to the kitchen.  With her voice rising Carol called out, “Therese? Therese, darling?”

 

     Hearing the stress in her tone and the rapid speech, Therese came rushing from the bedroom, cramming toiletries into a small red sack.  “Carol?  Is everything alright?  You sound stressed.  And why are you heading to the kitchen with your toothbrush and bath towel?”  The younger woman’s face, flushed with excited anticipation, creased now with concern and confusion.

 

     Carol stopped to look at the items in her hands.  “Oh, darling I’ve just got myself into a bit of a state worrying about you,” she answered with a self-conscious chuckle and shrug of her elegantly-clad shoulders.  Dressed for work in a high-waisted, sleek navy dress with a v-neck bodice and three-quarter sleeves, Carol had accessorized with pearl earrings and a pearl necklace.  Therese thought she looked professional and simply stunning.  “There’s just so much that could go wrong on the road, a young woman traveling alone...”  Her voice faded, but not the concern it held.

 

     Coming to stand in front of her, still holding the red bag, Therese smiled gently and forced herself to pause.  “Yes, there is.  But I’m as prepared as I can be, and so is the Packard, Carol.  The oil is checked and refilled, the gas tank is full, I’ve even got my handkerchief ready to hang from a window in case I end up with a flat.  But the tires were checked, too. I’ve got a small snack already packed. I’ll stop at a rest place that has a lot of people around, and Albany won’t have nearly the traffic of New York.  It’s all going to be fine!”

 

     Carol looked at the younger woman with love shining in her bright blue eyes, feeling rather foolish.     _I’m so proud of her_ , she thought.  _So strong and confident and brave_.  _Headstrong, too, but we all have our flaws!_ Out loud she said, “Do you know, you’re right.  I’m being silly!  It will all be okay.  But I really want you to call me when you get there, okay?”

 

     Therese looked at her as if she she’d lost her mind.  Raising her eyebrows in playful sarcasm, she asked, “And you were thinking I wouldn’t?”  Seeing tears come to Carol’s eyes she came to her, squeezing her cold hands lightly and then embracing her.  A sudden wash of deep feeling came over Therese, such that she caught her breath.  “Carol, I wouldn’t think of arriving and not telling you!  I’ll be so looking forward to telling you about my drive, and putting Sr. Alicia on to say hello.”

 

     “You promise?”  Carol asked, and then she realized that part of her struggle was with insecurity.

 

     Therese pressed a full, satisfying kiss to her lips before responding.  “I promise, I promise, I promise!  I can’t wait!”  The two women hugged for a few moments before separating.  “You have to go, Carol.  And so do I.  Give me that bath towel and go get your coffee.”  And so saying, Therese hurried to the bedroom to finish packing.

 

     Shortly thereafter she walked to the front hallway with her belongings, ready to depart and hoping she wasn’t forgetting anything.  Carol met her there and smiled immediately, the worries of a short while ago having faded somewhat.  “Well, darling, off you go, right?” she asked and then suddenly tugged the smaller woman into her arms, kissing her with passion and worry laced in her touch.  Parting her lips beneath the onslaught of her partner’s tongue, Therese moaned.  “God, Carol…I’ll never get out the door,” she whispered, feeling her hormones skyrocket with arousal.  “Oh…”

 

     Returning the depth of feeling, Carol made a sound of frustrated desire and regret.  Pulling her lips away and brushing them against Therese’s cheek in a stream of tender kisses, Carol murmured, “Do you have everything?  Clothes, toothbrush, clean underwear?”

 

     Therese giggled.  _“Everything_!   Except you, but then it will make coming back to you all the more lovely,” she said with meaning, pulling Carol’s hips into her own.  Against her face, Carol continued softly, “Okay, sweetheart.  Drive safely.  Don’t talk to strangers!  Call me when you get there.  And whatever you do, don’t say ‘fuck!’”  At that, both women broke out in laughter.  Placing one last chaste kiss on Carol’s lips, Therese said, “I’ll call you at the store in a few hours.  Bye, love.  Have a great day!”  And then she was quickly out the door.

 

                                                    _____________________________________

 

     Turning the ignition key, Therese felt both exhilarated and frightened.  She’d not been behind the wheel of the Packard in months and had forgotten how huge the vehicle seemed.  She felt barely able to see over the steering wheel, which itself appeared to have a diameter rivaling the moon’s.  But screwing up her courage she pressed on the accelerator and tried to focus on the more exciting aspects of having all this power beneath her hands and feet.

 

     It took a while, considering rush hour, but she was in no hurry and soon enough cleared the edges of the huge metro area and headed out of New York City proper.  It was a warm morning already and she was relieved to finally reach state highway 9 where she picked up enough speed to feel the breeze blowing through the vehicle.  It carried a denseness, a fecundity that delighted Therese and made her wonder whose scent she enjoyed—cow, oak, cornfield, freshly turned earth, newly cut grass, or bubbling, rushing Hudson.  Everywhere she looked there was green--trees, fields, roadside grasses, and hills turning somersaults far into the distance--and in these, too, she found pleasure.  Perhaps she would just count all as today’s blessings…and then some.

 

    As the miles moved smoothly past, she sipped from her thermos of coffee and let her mind meander pleasantly down whatever path it chose.  Awash with memories of her trip out west with Carol, she felt almost bemused.  If she had to write the script for a movie about her life she could never pen the events of the last eight months.  The highs and lows, joys and sorrows, and celebrations and heartaches took her breath away.  She knew herself to be just a tiny speck in the vast sea of humanity and yet there was an enormity of significance to such a short period of time in her very little life.  Exhaling heartily, Therese thought she just might have to pull over the Packard and go lay down with the rather plump dairy cows lounging under a massive oak tree in the meadow just to her right.  Lay back, close her eyes and let the rich earth replenish and refresh her.

 

     After about ninety minutes she felt the need to use the restroom.  Pulling into an Esso station she relieved herself, had the gas tank filled and the windshield cleaned.  Seeing a sign for “Farm Fresh Produce,” Therese steered the huge car a short distance further where she parked in the shade and sauntered up to a freshly painted, white roadside shelter whose one counter held abundant bins of fruits and vegetables.  A profusion of colors greeted her—rich red strawberries, deep indigo blueberries, pale green cucumbers, vibrant green string beans, and vivid orange carrots.  Unable to resist the sight or smell that assaulted her senses, an excited Therese bought cartons of each, stowing them in the back seat before starting on her way again.  _It will be so wonderful to share these goodies with the sisters_ , she thought.

 

    

     Thinking of the nuns gave her slight pause.  She truly didn’t know what to expect from her visit.  _Where will I stay?  Do I share a room with Sr. Alicia?_   _Much as I like her, I really hope not!  And how about the bathroom?  Will I have my own or be expected to share with the other sisters?_   _What do nuns_ do _all day? Are they silent, do they pray?_

 

     Slightly flustered by all the unknowns, Therese pressed down on the gas pedal and only realized she’d done so when she roared up behind another car.  She braked, heart beating rapidly and power thundering in her ears.  Taking deep breaths helped her slow down and relax and as she did all her thoughts turned to Sr. Alicia.  It occurred to Therese that the nun was the only person in the world who held the memory of so much of her life’s history.  She found that both sobering and incredible and knew a sense of gratitude she found so hard to describe.

 

     How could it even be, she wondered honestly, that this woman truly seemed to love her?  Since Carol had arranged for them to meet again, Therese marveled at this every day.  _Sr. Alicia loves me!  She cares about me!  She’s actually glad we’re back in each other’s lives!_ If anything, childhood had taught her that people leave, and often.  Everyone associated with that time was gone, so many now just vague faces without names.  She certainly had no recollection of her mother or father.  There was such a long period in her life when she would see women who she thought could be her mom’s age, and Therese would peer at them closely, wondering, _are you my mother?_   Yet those thoughts and yearnings had long ago faded, at least on a conscious level.

 

     But now there was Sr. Alicia.  Back…and perhaps really never gone.  For seeing her a few weeks ago, Therese felt that same deep love and intense connection.  And learning through Elaine Hartsell that the nun had suffered a breakdown had caused considerable concern for Therese, enough to keep her awake worrying.  She felt drawn to inquire for more details, if Sr. Alicia wanted to share them.  And very committed to doing everything she possibly could to support the older woman in whatever ways possible.

 

     Coming finally to Albany, Therese heaved a sigh of relief.  Her neck felt tight from having her arms on the wheel for so long, and her blouse was sticking uncomfortably to her sweaty back.  Glancing briefly in the rearview mirror, she saw a pink face and hair completely unkempt from being windblown for the last several hours.  She found a shady side street and parked so she could review the directions she’d written down.  Combing her hair and dabbing at her damp face with a handkerchief, she surmised that the remaining journey seemed straightforward, and soon was headed just northwest of town.

 

     It wasn’t long before the city streets gave way to rural routes once again, the terrain hilly and densely wooded and so fragrant with the potent scents of mid-summer Therese almost swooned.  Shade was also plentiful here and with great relief she rolled the driver’s window all the way down to let the cooler breeze waft in, delighting her with its refreshing kiss.  Emerging soon from the woods, she turned left at a crossroads and soon saw a sign reading, “Pace di Christo Convent, Sisters of Saint Francis.”

 

     Therese slowed the big vehicle to a stop and shifted to park.  Her gaze was drawn by the beauty of the wildflowers surrounding the sign and she reached into her bag for her camera.  “How lovely,” she exclaimed, knowing she was talking to herself and not caring.  Aiming and focusing, she took shot after shot, reveling in the deep but simple joy she found in her art.  She planned to take many pictures to have a record of her trip to share with Carol. 

 

     Finally satisfied, Therese stowed her camera away and resumed the remainder of her drive, a short few minutes.  The convent soon came into view, a three-story, dark brick building with English Ivy creeping up its front.  It was surrounded by beautiful flower gardens of every color, obviously tended with great care, a walkway leading from one to the next and around the back of the building.  A small white awning hung over the front door and Therese could see a couple sisters coming and going, a few carrying canvas bags and heading for the parking lot. 

 

     As Therese stepped out of the car, two sisters approached.  Dressed identically, of course, in their black dresses with white whimples and the black veils, the nuns also wore the same large crucifix she remembered Sr. Alicia wearing, corded belts, and sturdy black shoes with their below-the-knee length dresses.  One of the nuns was tall and solidly built while the other was much shorter and appeared quite petite.  They smiled pleasantly and the shorter of the two welcomed her.

 

     “Hello, hello!” she said in a joyful voice.  “Welcome!  You must be Therese.”

 

     Startled that she was known to the two strangers, Therese paused before replying, “Yes, yes I am.  How do you know?” she asked with curiosity clear in her tone, a small smile on her sun-warmed face.  Drawing nearer, Therese guessed both of the women to be in their early forties, both very pretty with warm, inviting looks on their faces.

 

     The smaller of the two replied, “I’m Sr. Bernadette and I oversee our two guest rooms.  Only one is being used these next few days.”  Then she smiled playfully.  “And Alicia has told us all that you’re coming, with much excitement, I might add!  We’re so glad you’re here!” she exclaimed fervently while nodding at the other nun.

 

     The other woman took a few large steps forward, extending both hands in an inviting gesture.  “Yes, welcome!  I’m Sr. Mary Francis.  I’m so glad to meet you!  Alicia has said so much about you…but probably not too much, so don’t worry,” she said with a wink.  “Bernadette and I are heading off to a local parish for a while…but you are free to go ahead in.  Francine will be there to greet you, she’s our administrative assistant and the woman who knows everything around here!  She’ll let Alicia know you’re here,” she finished helpfully, her voice warm and pleasant.

 

     Therese had been quiet during this exchange, looking from one nun to the other, her green eyes large and curious, her smile friendly and open. _What lovely women_ , she thought, _they have Alicia’s warmth_ …  Out loud she commented, “Thank you!  It’s lovely to meet you both. I’m sure I’ll see you again.  Have a great afternoon!”  she finished sincerely.  She turned and headed for the entranceway, purse over one shoulder, her steps quickened with excitement.

 

     As she came through the front door of Pace di Christo, Therese heard a familiar voice speaking with enthusiasm.  “…here at any time now, please come—Oh, never mind!  It’s her!”  Sr. Alicia stood in front of her, dressed like the other nuns in her full habit.  With her blue eyes shining brightly and cheeks red as cherries, she clapped her hands like a child while she smiled and exclaimed, “Therese!  My darling girl!  You’re here, you’re here!”  The nun limped quickly to the young woman and clasped her tightly against her substantial bosom, so tightly Therese could have sworn her lungs made a _whoosh_ sound as the air was crushed out of them.

 

      But she wouldn’t trade this embrace for the world, her arms coming around Sr. Alicia’s back and squeezing just as tightly.  “Yes, yes, I’m here, safe and sound,” she mumbled softly, because with her cheek on Alicia’s shoulder, breathing in her rose talcum powder scent, Therese was overcome by a depth of feeling so profound, a sense of connection so mysterious she was stilled into silence.  There was nothing to say and nothing to do…there was only being here, just being here.

 

      After a moment or two, Alicia loosened her grip enough to be able to look down at Therese’s face and it seemed the older woman, too, was somewhat at a loss for words.  Brushing a lock of Therese’s brunette hair away from her eyes, she smiled tenderly.  “Oh, you precious thing!  I’m so happy you’ve come!” the nun whispered with passion in her voice.  Then she stepped back, clasping Therese’s shoulders as if sizing her up.  With a discerning eye, the nun observed, “Well, you certainly don’t look any worse for the wear after that long drive.  And in that huge car, all by yourself…”

 

     With some reproach, Therese responded, “Why would I look worse for the wear?  It wasn’t _that_ long of a drive, Alicia!  And I’ve driven the Packard plenty before!  I’m a good driver, you know!”  Alicia smirked, wondering if the emerald eyes would grow stormy.  But the younger woman calmed and a pleasant expression filled her lovely face.  She continued, “It actually was a pretty road coming up here…the river, and woods, the farms, the rolling terrain.  I loved it!”

 

     Looking satisfied, Alicia said, “Good, my dear!  Now,” and her tone changed with her focus, “come!  Let me introduce you to Francine, and then I’ll show you to your room.  You need to call Carol as soon as possible.  I have her number at work.”

 

     Therese stopped before she’d taken a single step, a frown on her face “Why do you have Carol’s work number?”

 

     Alicia shook her head impatiently, clucking her tongue.  “Because she’s called twice already to see if you’ve arrived!  Like hens we’ve been, the both of us...worried about our chick!  And take that expression off your face! It was all an exercise in love.  Come! Come meet Francine…”

 

 

                                                    _____________________________________

 

 

    

     After calling Carol and bringing in her gift of fresh produce, Alicia showed Therese to her guest quarters where she had a bath and was now grateful for a rest before lunch.  She lay on the single bed, on top of the simple but soft cotton quilt.  Letting her eyes scan her environment, Therese was struck by its simplicity and cleanliness.  Just the bed, a side table holding a phone, a lamp atop a beautifully embroidered doily, a bedside chair, and a chest of drawers.  Someone, perhaps Sr. Bernadette, had placed a vase of gorgeous freshly cut flowers on the chest, with daisies and purple coneflowers stealing the show.  On one wall hung a crucifix and on another a painting of St. Francis of Assisi, though Therese only knew this by reading the inscription.  A single window was hung with lace curtains, cinched back now to allow the mellow light of late morning to flow in.

 

     With the window open and a cool breeze whispering in, Therese felt herself relaxing and growing drowsy, birdsong lulling her into a deeply peaceful place.  Closing her eyes she thought of Carol, who had been both relieved Therese had arrived safely and excited for Rindy’s impending visit, to begin that evening.  And with thoughts of Carol she found herself fading, a warm and pleasant smile gracing her youthful, lovely face.

 

     “Therese?  Therese dear?  Would you like to get up for lunch?” a soft voice asked.

 

     From the depths of slumber the young woman came, her foggy brain not able to place the voice.  Eventually opening her eyes, she saw Sr. Alicia sitting in the bedside chair with the picture of St. Francis hovering over her head, almost as if he was looking down on her along with all the animals at his feet.  Therese closed her eyes again, smiling sweetly and then yawning.

 

     “I hope it’s okay I let myself in,” the nun continued, “but I knocked for a few minutes first.”  Her smile was gentle, her blue eyes shining beneath her veil with such force Therese thought she could be a visual alarm clock.

 

     The younger woman blinked several times.  “Yes, its fine,” she answered in a throaty voice.  “I’m just amazed it’s you sitting there, that I’m here, that any of this is happening, really.”  Then she yawned again before rubbing her eyes with her fingertips, as if attempting to dispel a mirage.

 

     Sr. Alicia chuckled.  “Yes, Therese, it’s me, for better or worse.  Not sure if I come from a dream or nightmare, are you?”  And then she laughed heartily, amused at her self-deprecating comment.

 

     “Alicia!  Stop!”  Sitting up, Therese swung her legs over the side of the bed purposefully.  “You are definitely part of my best dreams!”  She paused for a moment, her eyes going to the picture.  St. Francis was portrayed, as he usually is, with a bird sitting on his hand and a motley crew of animals at his feet.  The painting spoke of joy and peace, and Therese thought it both gorgeous and soothing.  She remembered the sign she’d read upon entering the convent’s grounds.  “Can I ask you why you became a St. Francis nun?”

 

     Alicia cocked her head thoughtfully, pausing before replying.  “We’re called Franciscans, dear one.  Frances is my middle name, though the feminine form, with an ‘e.’  As a child, I was so thrilled to learn about St. Francis, his great joy and genuine love for God’s creation, for nature. And his dedication to the needs of the poor.  That was truly part of my life’s calling from the time I was very young.  I loved him!”

 

     Therese was fascinated and moved to be learning about the life of this woman she so loved.  Pulling her legs up on the bed and crossing them in front of her, she asked, “And becoming a nun?  Why did you do that?  Did you know from the time you were very young you wanted to be a sister?”

 

     “Oh, heavens no!  Never thought about that.  I was too crazy about the lads to consider sisterhood,” Alicia answered frankly and with amusement.  “I wanted my own lad, you see!  Tall and handsome, with broad shoulders.  Blond hair and blue eyes, too!”  Her face was wreathed in a big smile, her pretty face reflecting the joy of a treasured memory.

 

     Her young companion followed her thoughts through to the logical place.  “Well,” she asked with genuine interest, “why didn’t you get married then?”  But at this question, she saw the nun’s eyes immediately cloud, and the gray mist seemed to cross not only her face but her entire body.  With great hesitation Therese spoke.  “Did I say something wrong, Alicia?  Did you...lose a lover or the man you really wanted or something like that?”

 

     The nun sighed heavily, fidgeting somewhat in her seat.  It took her a while, during which Therese waited with patience, saying nothing, but finally Alicia looked at her and spoke.  “Oh, Therese!”  she began in a voice rich with uncharacteristic pathos, “you may not want to hear all this, and it’s almost time for lunch…”

 

     Appalled that Alicia even thought she wouldn’t want to listen, Therese responded passionately, “The hell with lunch!  I don’t…I mean… _food is not important right now_!  You are, Alicia!” she said, and her voice was so rich with compassion and care it made the nun catch her breath.  “You’re what matters at this moment.  I want to hear this, but only if you want to talk about it…”

 

     Alicia looked at her with gratitude on her face, like clouds at sunset reflecting the light of day.  “That’s kind, Therese…your sensitivity.  I appreciate it, dear.” She nodded her thanks, her voice soft and sad.  “I don’t know…you may not want to be privy to this knowledge about me.  I’ve always been there to care for _you_!” she stated emphatically.

 

     Therese leapt off the bed, a small tornado of arms and legs and whirling brown hair.  Falling at Alicia’s feet she grabbed her hands and spoke so passionately a vein popped out at her temple.  “Please, please _let me care for you!_ Let me, Alicia.  _Let me love you back!”_

 

     The nun looked down at the face of her dear Therese, so fierce and proud and caring, and she flashed back to that of a nine -year old girl holding a colicky, crying infant, crooning in a soft voice while rolling to and fro on a rocker.  _Oh, the beauty of this dear child_ , she thought.  _Oh, the Spirit that lives and breathes and_ _moves within her!_ Whether she knows it or not…

 

    Alicia’s eyes filled with tears.  “You are so dear,” she whispered, lifting a hand to Therese’s pink cheek.  She paused.  “My heart is praying, Therese!  Do you ever pray for the will of God, or seek the guidance of Spirit when something seems too big?”  Not waiting for an answer, she gave a slight smile before continuing.  “I walk alone here so much of the time…One can’t blab their business to everyone, as much as it would fit with my personality!  But here…I’m an elder, the younger sisters and novices look up to me.  They come to me, not me to them.”  She paused.  “It’s isolating.  And here you are, inviting me in…”

 

    Therese erupted again, her great depth of feeling rendering her incapable of slow movements. “Of course I’m inviting you in!”  She grabbed her hands, squeezing so tightly Alicia winced.  “Please let me be here…if, if the Holy Spirit says it’s okay.”

 

     Stroking the younger woman’s cheek, Alicia waited a few seconds.  And then she closed her eyes, opening them seconds later to speak.  “Dear one, I didn’t get married because I ran away to the convent.  And I ran away to the convent because…” she closed her eyes again, gathering the courage to state her truth.  “I was raped, darling girl,” she whispered.  “I ran away to New York at 18, and unfortunately, I was raped.”  

 

 

 

CH.15 

 

 

 

     Therese felt the blood drain from her face and for a moment wondered if she would pass out.  She couldn’t take her eyes from Sr. Alicia’s face, and the expression the nun wore was one of sorrow.  The younger woman clenched her hands, both to support Alicia and because she herself was holding on for dear life.  _Say something, idiot…say something…_ The mantra played in her head but she had no words.  Just shock and horror and rage.

 

     “Ra…raped?” Therese finally asked, her mouth and lips parched.  Her ears seemed to be ringing so loudly she could barely hear her own voice.  Sr. Alicia nodded.  “But…but when?  Who?  Where?”  She stammered out the questions in quick stocatto succession.

 

     The nun looked at Therese with compassionate understanding.  Shaking her head sadly she whispered, “Oh my dear.  I’m so sorry!  I shouldn’t have said anything!  I see the shock, your fear…” But Therese cut her off, almost rudely interrupting.

 

     “No!  You _should_ have told me!  I’m so glad you did!  I…I’m just shocked, yes.  Enraged!  I hardly know what to say.  But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have told me, Alicia.  I don’t need protecting!  I’m not a child anymore.  But I,” she gritted her teeth, her fists clenching. “I can’t bear to imagine the horror of that happening to you.  Raising pained eyes now luminous with tears, Therese cried passionately, “I’m so, so, _so sorry_! ” She stopped for a moment, putting a fist to her mouth while absentmindedly stroking Sr. Alicia’s tunic-clad arm with her other hand. “I wish…I wish I could have been there for you!”  Bringing the nun’s hand to her lips, Therese pressed a kiss there, and then kissed the other, too.  The young woman quieted for a few moments.  Taking and then releasing a deep breath, she stated, “I’m here now.  Tell me what I can do.  What do you need?  Should we…would you like to say a prayer together?”

 

     Alicia’s eyes filled with tears and for a moment she couldn’t talk.  When a single tear pressed its way out through her closed eyes she wiped at it with her fingertips, and then felt a tissue being pressed into her hand.  Dabbing at her eyes, she shook her head.  “My dear, I’ve been praying for the last ten minutes!  Sometimes prayers don’t have words, though, at least for me…”  She took a deep breath, straightening her spine and moving in a way that caused her to wince.

 

     “You’re in pain,”  Therese noted gently.  “Do you want me to go get your medicine?”

 

     “I do, dear one.  And then I’d love a cup of tea, and to sit outside with you.  We have an outdoor chapel, or there’s Francis’s Gardens.  We’ll talk more.  Let me tell you where my room is, and the cafeteria, and then I’ll meet you around back, okay?  Francine or one of the other sisters can show you the way.”  Her smile was tender and full of gratitude.

 

     Therese hesitated.  “Are you sure?  I don’t really want to leave you alone now.”

 

     The nun smiled again, and her deep blue eyes sparked momentarily.  “Oh…I’m not alone, Therese.  The Spirit is very much here with us!” she said with confidence.  “Go for me now…let me tell you where…”

 

 

                                              ____________________________________

 

,

     Therese left the cafeteria with a dining tray containing two glasses of water, a pitcher of tea, sugar, cream, cups, silverware, and a few packets of crackers.  There was also the bottle of Sr. Alicia’s pain medicine and her own handkerchief.  As she walked she was aware of her heart hammering in her chest.  Her mouth felt parched and butterflies seemed to be bouncing wildly off the walls of her stomach.  It occurred to her that she suddenly felt like a bird pushed from the nest, flapping its wings and desperate to fly. And she dearly wanted to fly!  She wanted to be able to fly, now, for Alicia alone. 

 

     Pushing the outer convent door open with a hip, Therese breathed deeply as she came to a sign reading  ‘Francis’s Gardens’, with an arrow pointing off to the right.  She felt almost stunned by the bright sun which seemed to pierce the achingly blue sky, as if she’d been in a dark closet and was suddenly spilled out into the light of day.  Suddenly, as if carried on a benevolent breeze she heard the whisper of a memory, one of Sr. Alicia’s most repeated swami-isms at St. Agatha’s:  _Open the door.  Invite God in._   _Open the door.  Invite God in._ She had no idea who or what God even was, and yet she knew beyond doubt that this wisdom was for her in this moment of her life.  For her, and for Sr. Alicia especially.

 

     As she approached the garden, her arms beginning to fatigue from the weight of the tray, Therese imagined herself opening, opening, opening…Opening to all that was good and light and love, all that was green and life and blossoming.  She wasn’t sure exactly what Alicia needed but she would open the door and invite God in.  If ever the nun needed Therese to do so she knew it was now.

 

     She found Sr. Alicia sitting in a shady alcove adjacent to the herb garden.  Her eyes were closed but she didn’t appear to be in distress.  On the contrary, her face looked unlined and peaceful, her veil waving  gently in the early afternoon breeze.  The scent in this area of the garden was so pungent it was almost an elixir of sorts.  Therese passed basil, thyme, rosemary, lemon balm, lavender, parsley, oregano and dill before she reached Sr. Alicia, who gazed up at her with a placid expression.

 

     “Ah, there you are, dear girl.  And look at you burdened down with that tray. Let me help you,” Alicia offered as she moved to stand up.

 

     Therese frowned, replying sternly, “Would you sit.  I’ve got this!  Let me wait on you.  I’m enjoying it.”  She sat the heavily ladened tray on a small, roughly-hewn wooden table.  Handing the nun her pill bottle and a glass of water, she said, “Drink up!  And how do you like your tea?”

 

     “Just a spoonful of sugar, please.  And then you sit!  I’ve been missing you these last few minutes,” she said with a gentle smile.  As the younger woman poured, handed, and then sat Alicia watched her with pride and contentment.  She’d grown up to become so physically beautiful, with that creamy skin and the deep emerald eyes, the lovely face and figure.  But it was Therese’s inner beauty that captured Alicia, as it had since her childhood.  It was a mystery to her how she could be so kind, so generous of heart and spirit when she’d begun her life abandoned, rejected, and wounded by love in the most elemental way.  And yet somehow she had risen above this beginning…

 

     “Can I be honest with you, Alicia?”  Therese’s question interrupted the nun’s musings.

 

     “Ach, child…when have I wanted you to be anything but?”  Alicia answered.

 

     Therese looked at her,   “I’m worried about you.  I’m…deeply concerned.  I want to be here for you.   And I’m scared I don’t know how.”  She picked up Alicia’s free hand and held it gently, her fingertips lightly stroking.

 

     Alicia sighed.  “Therese, dear one, listen to me.  You _are_ here for me.  You’re right here!  You’re _present_ …and I can feel your open heart.”   She paused to sip her tea, gazing around the garden while her sandal shuffled lightly against the gravel beneath her feet.  “It’s incredibly peaceful here, isn’t it?”  Seeing the younger woman nod contentedly she continued, “You’d be mistaken to think there are the right words to say now, Therese.  I know I shocked you with my revelations.  It still shocks me to verbalize my truth…especially here at Pace di Christo.  Mother Superior knows, of course, but other than that, no one else…I’m not even sure why.  But one doesn’t just sit down at the dinner table and blurt out, ‘I’m here on sabbatical because I had a breakdown.  Because I was raped years ago and it’s shattered me very recently.’”  She exhaled heavily and Therese could feel the weight of her pain.  Alicia squeezed her hand before continuing.  “It’s not always words that are needed.  Sometimes the very thing I need is just a friend to sit with me when I’m in suffering…just to sit in this garden and be _present_ to it with me so I don’t have to face down the monsters alone.”

 

     Therese felt such a weightiness in her heart she clutched at her chest.  Then she looked directly at Sr. Alicia and passionately whispered, “Alicia, I will sit here with you for as long as you need.  I don’t feel qualified.  I haven’t…I haven’t been raped…I don’t have your experience.  But I… _I love you!_  I won’t walk away from you.  And as for that monster who did this to you…Oh, god, so help me…” She paused for a moment, catching her breath and looking heavenward before bringing her fierce green eyes directly to bear on Alicia’s face and speaking forcefully.  “I promised Carol I wouldn’t use this word but I swear to god I want to find that fucker and kill him!”

 

     Sr. Alicia’s blue eyes widened and sparked, first with remembered rage, and then with joy.  And then she unexpectedly threw back her head and laughed, a deep laugh from the pit of her belly.  “Oh Therese,” she eventually said with relief and gratitude, “you are just what I need!  Just exactly what I need!  I don’t feel that way anymore but let me tell you there was such a long period in my life when I wanted to find that fucker and kill him, too!”

 

     And then they laughed, two women in a peaceful garden feeling the power of anger and love and laughter.  Two women feeling the powerful freedom of acceptance.

 

 

 

 Ch. 16

 

 

     Exhausted from the intensity of their early afternoon visit, Therese and Alicia had a light lunch of tuna, tomatoes, and fresh fruit and then went their separate ways, Alicia saying she needed to close her eyes and rest for a bit.  In her own room, Therese fell asleep but awoke soon thereafter feeling troubled.  How could she not?  It was so horrific…Alicia was _raped._   Even in her thoughts, Therese could barely say the word.  She marveled that she was able to keep her wits about her in their earlier conversation.  Perhaps it was God, or the Holy Spirit, or some spirit of goodness and light that had allowed her to be present.  Certainly Alicia would say it was.

 

     She was flush with so many questions but paramount among these was certainly, how was Alicia now?  She seemed her upbeat, energetic self on her visit to the city a few weeks ago.  Was she still suffering from the effects of her breakdown?  And what, exactly did that mean?  Alicia was 62 now.  Was she “healed” from the rape that happened so many years ago?  Did one even heal from such a horrific event?  The young woman lay in bed, her forehead creased with questions she couldn’t answer.  Should she not ask questions?  Would this be harmful to Alicia?

 

     When Therese thought of rape she imagined pain, fear, anger, and an unthinkable loss of control and violation of one’s personal boundaries.  Every single one of these thoughts made her cringe.  To think of Alicia, at 18,  being traumatized by such a horrific act made her heart pound with anger and sadness.  What Therese really wanted at that moment was to call Carol.  She longed for the comfort and security of connection with her lover, of hearing Carol’s deep, husky voice and feeling the depth of love they shared, even if over the phone.

 

     Instinctively though, she knew she should not share this information about Alicia without her permission.  Wouldn’t this just be another violation?  Another occasion on which the control was taken away from the now much older woman?  _If I was raped, I would really only want to share the_ _information with those I most trusted, and only when I felt ready, right?_ Therese figured this would be the case.  And so as much as she longed to speak with Carol, she didn’t go in search of a phone.

 

     Instead, feeling restless and disturbed she left her room, deciding to further explore the grounds of Pace di Christo.  Once outside she was glad to have made this choice.  The late afternoon sun was milder, slanting now across the tops of the oak, maple, and chestnut trees, dappling through their thick foliage in delightful beams of warm light that seemed to be playing Hide-and Seek with each other.  The gardens and lawns permeated the air with an almost intoxicating scent, dense with the rich smells of mid-summer’s growth.  Wandering from flower garden to flower garden, she breathed in the sculpted and tenderly nurtured beauty she saw, stopping here and there to sit on a shaded bench and observe the bird feeders where robins, cardinals, finches, sparrows, and bluebirds were feasting and singing.  Having thought to bring her camera, she took shot after shot and it wasn’t long before the immersion in her art brought the young woman the joy and peace she often found behind the camera.

 

     Eventually, Therese heard the evening church bells ringing and she knew from Sr. Alicia this meant it was time to head to the cafeteria for dinner.  Stopping at her room first to wash her hands and stow her camera away, she hurried to the dining hall, practically skidding on the polished floor and through the double doors where she was met by a sea of black and white such as she had never seen.  Feeling completely intimidated to be in the midst of so many nuns, Therese looked around for her friend but didn’t see her.  Uncertain what to do, she thought of going to Alicia’s room when suddenly she heard the nun’s voice speaking behind her.

 

     “Well, there you are,” she said happily.  Therese turned to see Alicia looking refreshed, her blue eyes beaming and cheeks pink with pleasure.  She walked with her cane, but didn’t look to be in terrible pain and this pleased the younger woman.  There was a playful look on the nun’s face as she asked, “So, how does it feel to be here with fifty other sisters?”

 

     “I was just thinking it feels intimidating!” Therese answered truthfully.

 

     “Ach, most of us are completely harmless.  Truly.  Just women like you and I, Therese, except we are married to the Lord.  Now come, we’ll start over here.  Oh, and whatever you do,” Alicia cautioned with an impish gleam in her eyes, leaning close to whisper in Therese’s ear, “ _watch your language, young lady!_ ”

 

     The younger woman giggled and rolled her eyes.  “Thanks for the vote of confidence, Alicia!  Now I’m sure to mess up,” she commented with some insecurity in her voice as they began to move toward a small group of sisters.  But it didn’t take long before she learned that Sr. Alicia was right.  The nuns did seem like regular women, and dinner conversation covered a wide variety of topics—from gardening, to convent projects, to individuals they were all praying for, to their families and who was expected to visit and when.

 

     At one point, Alicia announced, “Ms. Belivet is a photographer for the _Times_!  Maybe we can convince her to take the photos for the next newsletter.”  She looked over at Therese with her eyebrows raised in question.

 

     Sr. Catherine Ann, a young nun probably not much older than Therese, spoke up excitedly.  “Oh, that would be wonderful!  Really?  You’re really a photographer at the _Times?_ Oh, please think about it, Ms. Belivet!  If it’s not an inconvenience, that is.”  Putting down her soup spoon, the nun continued speaking, this time using her hands to express herself.  “For our last newsletter, I took the pictures and they were terrible!  I’ve barely used a camera and you could tell.  We all looked blurred and in the shadows.”

 

     Therese looked at Sr. Catherine Ann with kind sympathy on her face.  “Well,  if you’re not exactly sure how to use a camera, of course it would be hard to take good pictures!  I’d be happy to show you how, Sr. Catherine Ann.  I’m here until late afternoon tomorrow so if you have time, I’m yours!”  She smiled.  “And I had free time earlier and spent it taking pictures of the grounds and a few of the sisters I came across out in the gardens.  I’m happy to send you copies once I get them developed,”  she offered helpfully.

 

     Pleasure and relief showed on the young nun’s face.  “Oh, Ms. Belivet, that would be so wonderful!  I’m so grateful to you!  Thank you!” she exclaimed, a look of unfettered joy on her young face.  The other sisters at the table all nodded their agreement, and Sr. Alicia’s face reflected pride and appreciation.  “Yes, thank you, Therese,” she added with a smile.  “I’m sure whatever assistance you can offer will be accepted gratefully.”

 

    Therese wished in that moment she could take a picture of the kindhearted women she faced.  Seven of them looked at her spontaneously, black veils, pink cheeks, tender smiles, and a simple joy and appreciation glowing in their eyes.  She rarely witnessed this in her own life.  Certainly not in the work world where so often it felt like the rule was _‘trample or be trampled.’_  But these nuns, who tried to emulate St. Francis of Assisi and his commitment to simplicity and caring for the poor and needy amazed her!  They seemed so humble and appreciative, so genuinely grateful for all they had.  It moved Therese  deeply.  Feeling tears come to her eyes, she looked down at her soup bowl, thankful for the wonderful food, her full stomach, and these gentle companions.

 

     “So Miss Belivet,”  a voice interrupted her thoughts, “has Sr. Alicia told you what an infielder she is?”  It was coming from a tiny woman who barely seemed tall enough to see over her bowl.  She looked to Therese to be around a hundred years old or so, and though her face was covered with a network of fine lines her eyes sparkled with energy and remembrance.

 

     “What a _what_ she is?”  Therese asked, completely confused.

 

     The small nun exclaimed, “You mean Sr. Alicia hasn’t dragged you into her wonderful world of baseball yet?  My, you’re the lucky one!  Around here we’ve had no such consideration,” she said, both with amusement and joviality.  “Right, Sr. Alicia?”

 

     Sr. Alicia piped in,  “Oh, come on, Sr. Imogene.  Admit that we’ve had so much fun playing baseball!”

 

     Startled, Therese blurted, “You _play_ baseball here?”  She couldn’t quite picture it, especially considering the long tunics and veils all the nuns wore.  Not to mention they just didn’t seem the type.

 

     “You’re darn right we do!  Mother Superior decided we needed to have fun and get some exercise and this one,”  Sr. Imogene stated with a nod at Sr. Alicia, “came up with the bright idea that we should play baseball.  All I can say is don’t be the one catching the ball she throws.  She’s got a rocket for an arm!  It practically tore my hand off when I played first base!”

 

     Unable to help herself, Therese burst out laughing.  Speaking to Sr. Imogene and the table as a whole she added, “I went to my very first Yankee game with Alicia a few weeks ago!  So I haven’t been spared her baseball fanaticism, either!” 

 

     Another elderly nun asked, “And did she tell her all about how wonderful Mickey Mantle is?  We’ve heard all about him!  More than once, I might add!”  Seven veiled women nodded their heads in synchrony, almost as if they’d practiced and choreographed their lines.

 

     Therese giggled delightedly, looking at Sr. Alicia, whose face reflected both sheepishness and that seemingly irrepressible joy of hers.  The nun shook her head and lifting her shoulders said, “Guilty as charged!”

 

 

                                                _______________________________________________

 

    

     Saturday morning turned out to be another beautiful day, and after morning prayer in the chapel and a simple breakfast of oatmeal and toast, Therese and Sr. Alicia headed back to Francis’s Gardens, but this time to the paved walkways that circled the convent and forked through the yard and flower gardens.  The younger woman pushed Alicia in a wheelchair as the distance was too far for her to walk at this point, and both women were quiet and seemingly lulled into a peaceful space by the quiet beauty around them.

 

     Eventually, Alicia spoke up and quietly asked, “So dear one, tell me what questions you have for me.”

 

     Therese momentarily lost her step.  Watching as a red-tailed hawk circled and then swooped down with radar efficiency into a nearby field, she heard Alicia’s words with something of an inner gasp: _was this woman a sage, a soothsayer of some sort?  How does she understand my inner life so well?_

 

     As if hearing the younger woman’s internal dialogue, Alicia continued softly, “It wouldn’t be hard to imagine you have questions, Therese.  I laid a lot on you yesterday, and I feel somewhat guilty.  It’s not like we were discussing the weather!  What do you need to know?  And did you reach out to Carol by phone?”

 

     Therese slowed their pace, her thoughts scurrying to and fro now.  “Alicia,” she began, “I’ll be completely honest.  I wanted to talk with Carol _so badly._ But she’s having special time with Rindy and I didn’t want to intrude.”  She paused, slowing their pace to a standstill and coming around to the front of the wheelchair to make eye contact with her friend.  “I also…I just felt I shouldn’t say anything about your history to anyone—even Carol—without having your permission.  It seemed…disrespectful.  You told me about a terrible wound that obviously still hurts.  It seems you should have as much control over that information as possible,” she said softly, taking Alicia’s hand in her own.

 

     The older woman’s eyes teared up and she waited a few moments before responding, her gaze focused on the same hawk Therese had seen a few minutes earlier.  _It’s majestic,_ she thought, _powerful_ _and terrifying and free.  So beautiful!_

 

     “Alicia?”  Therese’s gentle voice cut through her musings.  “Are you…are you okay?”

 

     The nun shook herself out of her reflective state.  “Yes, dear one, I’m fine.”  She grasped Therese’s hand tightly.  “It touches me, Therese, that you put my needs first.  But if I was you last night, I would have run as quickly as possible to my lover and friend and shared all that heavy information.”  Seeing the younger woman blush, Alicia brought a hand up and stroked her cheek with the back of her fingers,  a tender smile on her face.  _“It’s okay_ , Therese!  Really okay.”  Sighing and then breaking into a huge grin, she said, “You can thank my dear, dear Maggie for my frankness.  Trust me, I know more about lesbian living and sex than any Franciscan nun ever needs to know!”  Seeing Therese’s deepening blush, Alicia laughed.  “You are just the cutest thing.  But listen to me, dear, I understand wanting to talk with Carol, and after we are done here, please go call her right away!”

 

     Sobering, she asked again, “So tell me dear, do you have any questions?”

 

     Therese hesitated, but then quickly decided to forge ahead with the very thoughts that had kept her up last night.  “Yes, yes I do.  I just…are you okay, Alicia?  Have you recovered from the…rape and from your breakdown?  And what exactly happened that you had to leave St. Agatha’s?  But only,”  the young woman added while squeezing Alicia’s forearm, “if you want to say.”

 

     “Therese, darling, I’ll condense, because I really don’t like talking about all of this, or myself too much.”  She took a deep breath.  “I would say I’m as recovered as I can be at this point.  The nightmares still come at times, but not the immobilizing fear.  I’m more free now.  All the work I did—inner work that had to be done—it’s been fruitful.  I left St. Agatha’s in a deep depression.  The wars were too much for me, Therese.  I used to be ashamed to admit that but—it’s the truth.  I rocked too many infants while they were dying.  I saw too many children left heartbroken.  Too many widows came bearing their children for me to care for.”  Hearing Therese catch her breath, Alicia clasped the younger woman’s  hands more tightly.  “I’m so sorry, dear one, so sorry.  We are so linked, aren’t we?”  She looked off into the distance where the hawk was circling once again.  _Oh, to be as free as he is!_ she thought, even while returning her gaze to Therese.  “The war was just too much stress, horror and fear for my psyche.  I’ve learned a lot about what I can handle, and maybe more importantly, what I _can’t_ handle.”  She chuckled to herself in humorless fashion.  “I can’t handle war and all its traumas and still keep my own old pain and fear in check.  I just can’t do it, Therese.”

 

     The younger woman’s green eyes flashed stormily.  “Who said you had to?”  she asked indignantly.

 

     Alicia’s deep blue eyes sparked with their own energy.  “ _I said so, Therese._ In the end, if we can’t live with our own inner voice, we’ll be miserable, dear.” She stopped to catch her breath, and then unexpectedly smiled with such brilliance it took Therese’s breath away.  “I learned so much though.  I surrendered!  I admitted that the powerful Alicia Gallagher wasn’t more powerful than the love of her God.  And I surrendered to that love!  I eventually laid myself down and only then was there room for that love to come in!”  She laughed in jubilation.  “It was like Moses on the mountain!  The fire, the flame, the transforming power.  In the end, I didn’t change anything!  I just gave myself over to the wisdom and love of God and somehow the changes gradually happened without me even knowing it!”

 

     To her credit, Therese responded, “Alicia, I have absolutely _no idea_ what you’re talking about.   Absolutely none!  But I’m happy for you…and relieved! And so glad for all the healing that has happened.  You’ve worked hard, haven’t you?”

 

     “Ach, dear one,” the nun said while exhaling.  “I can’t even describe how hard.”  Her eyes watered, and suddenly tears were pouring down her soft, pink cheeks.  “Maggie was my rock.  Maggie and Elaine.  Without them, I’d be in a hospital still.”  Therese pressed a handkerchief into her hands.  “Oh my _I miss_ _her so_ …”  Her voice trailed off as her tears flowed in earnest.

 

     The younger woman couldn’t help it…her tears came, too, flowing out of her tender heart like water from a spring.  “I’m so sorry, Alicia.  You’ve lost your soul mate, haven’t you?  I’m so sorry for your pain…”

 

     They were still in the lovely garden, Therese standing above the older woman, her arms around her, rocking the nun gently in whatever way she could considering she was sitting in a wheelchair.  Therese’s back was at an odd angle, there was a crick in her neck, and her tears were flowing off her face only to drop into Alicia’s hair. 

 

     Up above, the red-tailed hawk circled and dove, brilliant against the cobalt blue sky.  And peace eventually came to them.  Peace came.

 

 

 

 

  1. 18



 

 

     It was late afternoon by the time Therese said her goodbyes, and then Sr. Alicia was walking beside her to the parking lot, Therese carrying her purse and small suitcase and the older woman her cane.  It was quiet in the yard of the convent with only a few sisters walking quietly here and there, some visiting with family perhaps, their voices soft and pleasant.  Looking at them reminded Therese of how much she ached to be with Carol, even as a wave of melancholy descended at the thought of leaving Alicia again.

 

     As they approached the big blue Packard, Therese suddenly asked, “Why is it, do you think, that you and I are so very bonded, Alicia?”  The young woman’s green eyes were clear, honest, and inquisitive, her cheeks pink with heat and life.

 

     Alicia pursed her lips momentarily, squinting her eyes as if it helped her think.  But she looked at her companion with a whimsical smile on her face which seemed to glow with treasured remembrances.  “You do know I was your mother figure, right?”  the nun asked almost redundantly.

 

     Therese rolled her eyes.  “Well, it doesn’t take a swami to figure that out!”  Putting her suitcase down with a thump as they reached the Packard’s trunk, the young woman straightened, blowing a few stray wisps of brunette hair away from her cheek.  “I just mean…well, it feels like there’s something so strong there, even though I’m grown now.  Do you,” she queried with hesitation, “do you feel it too?”

 

     The nun smiled gently, making eye contact in a way that gave Therese courage.  “Yes, dear one, I do.”  She gazed off at some distant trees, a memory scurrying across her mind’s eye.  “Do you know that you called me ‘Sister Momma’ until you were eight years old?”

 

     The younger woman’s green eyes widened in surprise.  “ _Sister Momma_?” she asked, amusement plainly obvious in her voice.  “Oh my, that’s kind of embarrassing!  What did the other kids say?”

 

     “I don’t even think they noticed, Therese.  There was always so much going on…You called me ‘momma’ when you were really little.  I finally got the ‘sister’ part into your greeting but you just resisted letting go of ‘momma’ for so long.”  Alicia’s blue eyes reflected a depth of rich and pleasant  recollections.  “You were like my shadow, too!  Always following me, offering to help, asking a million questions, getting into messes…”

 

     “Was I hard to have around?”  Therese asked, and Alicia could clearly hear the remnants of old fear in the young woman’s voice.   She reached out for her hand which felt damp with late afternoon humidity.

 

     “Heavens no, child!”  The nun’s expression spoke of certainty.  “You were delightful, and so like me…”  She stopped, leaning against the car’s blue panel and rubbing her hip.  “That was my experience, you know.  I felt we were kindred spirits from the very start, the more I saw your true nature revealed.  And even your adolescent tantrums, the running away, the temper.  Geez!  The Lord gave us similar qualities.”  She took a breath, pondering deeply and licking at her bottom lip.  “I could see from the earliest days, Therese, your depth, sensitivity, your intuition.  You saw things in a different way than other children, with a greater capacity for wisdom.  It was unusual.  It’s a hard way to grow up.  I’m not surprised you’ve become a photographer, you know.  You have an artist’s soul.  Which unfortunately means you will probably suffer a lot in life!” she finished wryly.

 

     Therese had remained quiet, just listening, clearly thinking and venturing off into her own memory vault.  She took a deep breath before responding, “Alicia, you touch my _soul._ I really mean that.  Sometimes I think I may not know I have one if not for you…and now Carol.  It’s like you bring my soul out of me…like we meet on a bridge that somehow joins us together spiritually.”  She hesitated, feeling shy and exposed.  “Does that…does that make sense?”

 

     “Absolutely, dear!  I couldn’t agree more!  I think we’re soul mates, soul sisters, just like Maggie and I were.  I’ve always felt it’s possible to have more than one in life.”  Alicia’s eyebrows rose and then fell along with her shoulders.  “It’s all so much mystery to me, dear one!  The way the Lord works, why people meet, why there are these intense connections between certain of us.  But I do think there’s a wisdom much greater than mine that knows exactly what it’s up to!  And I couldn’t be happier about that.  We’re all in big trouble if Alicia Gallagher is in charge!”  And she laughed her delightful belly laugh.

 

     Therese leaned over to kiss her cheek.  “I love you, Alicia!  I’ll miss you.”

 

     “I love you, too, dear one.  And we’ll talk soon.”  Returning the young woman’s kiss, she opened the trunk and lifted the small suitcase in.  “Now, let’s get you on the road.  I’m already a nervous wreck about you making this drive again.  And this car!  It’s beautiful but so huge!  It’s like Carol bought the battleship model or something,”  she said, laughing at her own comment as she was often wont to do.

 

     As Therese drove away she could see Sr. Alicia waving still in her rearview mirror.  Honking the horn, the young woman drove away with a smile on her face and peace in her heart.  Time with Sr. Alicia had always left her feeling that way.

 

                                                          ________________________________________

 

     “Mommy, when do I get to see Therese?  Is it after _this_ sleep?” Rindy’s clear, sweet young voice piped up from her bed as Carol tucked the blankets in.  Carol smiled, loving the sound of it even after a long day of listening to the four year-old talking non-stop.

 

     “Yes, sweet pea!  After _this_ sleep you get to see Therese!  She’ll come home tonight, after you’re asleep and then when you wake up she’ll be here,” Carol responded, knowing she shared her daughter’s anticipation of Therese’s arrival…and then some.

 

     Rindy sighed happily.  “I can’t wait, mommy.  I hope she wants to play with me.”

 

     Carol chuckled.  “Oh, I think you’ll be able to talk her into it!  Now darling, no more talking, okay?”  She kissed the child’s softly scented cheek, clean and still warm from her bath.  Unable to resist, she kissed her again and added a small squeeze.

 

     _“Okay_ , mommy.  No more hugs, either!” the little girl instructed.

 

     Carol stood, laughing in delight as she walked to the bedroom door and dimmed the lights.  “Goodnight my sweetie.”  Then she quietly left the room, quickly glancing at the clock to check the time.  Therese should be home within a half hour or so.  Carol headed for their bedroom to freshen up.

 

     She had missed her lover intensely, and this despite the fact that Rindy was here with her.  In all honesty, this surprised, frightened, and delighted her.  She had no doubt she could survive without Therese, at least on the most basic level.  Carol could provide for herself.  She did not feel financially dependent on the younger woman, and despite the intense sexual relationship they knew, in the most primitive way Carol could satisy those needs, too.  There were always women to be picked up at the lesbian bars…

 

     What Carol had come to grips with in the past two days without her young lover was just how very much she _desired_ and _wanted_ to be with Therese.  She’d felt this the months they were separated but somehow the want was so much deeper now, so much more consuming and profound.  It went far beyond the sexual, far beyond even the emotional.  She was definitely at a loss here…she’d never had relationships that weren’t grounded in sex or emotions.  Except for motherhood, for Rindy, of course…but that was a love that often seemed interplanetary somehow…not bound by the usual rules of love and relationships.

 

     Carol double-checked her reflection in the vanity mirror after having already brushed her teeth, washed her hands, and applied her lipstick.  Now she brushed and fluffed her hair just so, stopping also to cast a critical gaze upon her chin which she could swear was sagging.  She exhaled loudly.  What was this thing with Therese?  It drew her inexorably as much as it terrified her.  And she had no prior experience to work with.  At 34, she was twelve years Therese’s senior but in terms of the depth of their connection and how to navigate the deeper waters, she held no advantage.  She was simply kicking like hell to stay afloat sometimes.

 

      Sighing, she thought _, I need someone to coach me, someone to help me_.  She paused.   _I need a Sr. Alicia_! That’s it!  A wise woman to guide, counsel, reassure, and companion, someone with depth and experience and a capacity for great love and understanding.  She squinted her eyes and it struck her that the reflection looking back at her was almost comical at the moment.  Where could she find a wise nun who’d be willing to be at her disposal?  Maybe she would place an ad in the Times!  Therese could get her a discount!

 

     Laughing out loud, Carol rose gracefully from the vanity seat just as she heard a key being inserted in the front door lock.  She thought she felt her heart actually skip a beat, and she knew she felt butterflies begin to flutter away in her belly.  _Therese!  Home!_   When did these become the sweetest words in the English language?

 

     As Therese entered the front hallway, Carol emerged from the bedroom where she came to a complete standstill.  Seeing her young lover momentarily overwhelmed her as awareness of Therese’s astounding beauty washed over her anew.  Wearing pale blue pedal-pushers with a deeper blue sleeveless blouse, the older woman thought she almost shimmered in the fading light of day, like fireworks crackling and flowing outward until they fell gracefully from the sky. Her eyes had an emerald sheen tonight, like the forest at dusk glowing with joy and contentment.  Therese’s lips curved into that impish grin Carol had come to know so well, accented by her smooth, creamy cheeks, pink now with heat and expectation.

 

     The two women stared at each other, neither one speaking and neither feeling the desire to interrupt this silent communion.  They walked slowly toward one another, tenderness in their eyes and on their faces.  And when Therese stood finally in front of her, Carol reached out, sliding her arms around the smaller woman’s slender waist.  Her nerve endings felt alive and she felt warmth and cotton and soft, soft skin where her hands crept underneath the blue blouse to touch Therese’s back.  Carol brought her cheek against her lover’s, holding it there, silk against silk, unmoving until she slowly ran the tip of her nose down the side of her face, down her neck and to the pulse point in Therese’s throat where the taller woman breathed deeply of her scent.

 

     “Therese, Therese...I missed you,” she whispered urgently.  _“Oh love, these feelings, these feelings…_ ”  Unable to stop herself, Carol found Therese’s moist, warm lips with her own, brushing tenderly back and forth, seeking the wet recesses which were freely offered.  The slow dance of tongues quickly grew heated, hands moving over backs and delightful behinds where they grasped and tugged until the women’s pelvises met.  Therese moaned with pleasure, the very sound of which seemed to ignite a flame of desire in Carol’s groin.

 

     Running her tongue over delicate collarbones, rich now with the heated perfume of Therese’s damp skin, Carol felt an overpowering urge to meld their bodies, to push out every last bit of air between them until they were just skin on skin in their dark bedroom between the cool sheets.  “Therese, darling, I want you,” she panted brokenly.  “ _Please_ …”  Her lips claimed Therese’s once again, and this time it was to plunder the depths of her mouth, roughly and with command.

 

     Therese felt her desire and need exploding with passion, kissing Carol back with matching intensity.  _Yes, yes, I need you, too, I want you, too…_   The thoughts went unspoken as the younger woman allowed her body to communicate these deep feelings, the places in her being for which she did not have words.  But with her head thrown back and Carol’s lips and hands roaming over every bit of silky skin she could find, Therese absorbed her own deep knowing: _There’s you, and you…only you…_ Suddenly impatient, frustrated with clothing and standing in this humid entranceway, she haltingly asked, “Can we do this…oh god, Carol,” she stopped and moaned.  “Can we make love with RIndy here?”

 

     Carol picked her head up, her eyes almost black with a consuming desire.  “She’s asleep,”  she breathed, “ and there’s a lock on our door.”  She almost yanked the smaller woman across the dining room floor, down the hall, and into the bedroom where she kicked off her shoes and pushed the door shut with a foot.  She turned to lock it, but did not let go of Therese, and when she spun back around the younger woman’s mouth went dry, her pulse hammering in her throat and somehow reverberating in her ears.  “ _Carol,_ _please,”_ she motioned ineffectually with her hands, frustrated again.

 

     “Yes, love, yes…” the taller woman whispered into Therese’s throat.  And then the two lovers were pulling and tugging at each other’s clothing, anxious to touch, to feel, to revel in their mutual nakedness.  When Therese finally felt herself being pushed back into the soft sheets, when Carol’s body came down upon her own she thought she would lose her mind, so intense was her need and desire.  “ _Jesus, Carol_ …” her soft whisper trailed away even as her lithe body moved sensuously, restlessly.  Her hands stroked up and down Carol’s silky back and then back up into her soft hair which could have been strands of spun gold, so precious did it feel.

 

     Carol’s lips and tongue were everywhere.  She craved the taste of Therese and panted as she took a nipple into her mouth and another in her fingers, squeezing and twisting.  Therese’s moans and short, heaving breaths further excited her, the young woman’s gyrating pelvis making her mad with desire.  Moving a knee to separate the smooth legs underneath her, Carol settled her mound upon Therese’s, supported on her elbows and kissing her with long, wet kisses.  “Therese,” she groaned, “I want you, honey, I need you…”

 

     “Yes, please yes!” the young woman responded with breathless impatience.  Carol moved down her torso with masterful purpose and when she reached Therese’s center wasted no time opening her to the seductions of her lips, tongue, and fingers.  “ _Ahh…_ ” Therese gasped, almost terrified of the pleasure that tore through her.  Tears once again started to flow from her eyes and she knew a moment’s annoyance… _why do I cry during sex?_ This moment was too beautiful, too precious, too right. “Oh, oh, oh,” she almost shouted as her body erupted, shook, and trembled, waves of pleasure and joy and gratitude flowing over and over again.  Carol came up to hold her then, never once losing physical contact, and she felt the wet tears on her shoulder.

 

     Concerned, she asked, “Darling, are you okay?”  Her arms tightened, embraced.  Therese shook her head, unable to speak and already moving, turning them so that she was on top of Carol, her lips seeking the soft skin at the base of her throat, dewy now with perspiration.  She felt restless with want and need and passion, her hands coming to Carol’s breasts which she gently squeezed and palmed before bringing her lips down to a rosy nipple.  Carol’s “ahh…” was breathless and sharp, somehow piercing the younger woman with the sheer sound of it, driving her desire with ever more intensity .  As she pinched the now wet bud Therese came up beside Carol, longing to kiss her, to feel the wild eroticism of their warm tongues dancing.  Her kisses were deep, plunging into the moist recesses of Carol’s mouth with a fierce, drugged energy.

 

     “Carol,” she whispered passionately, running her tongue over cheekbone and chin, and then to the warm alcove behind her ear, so rich with the scent of this woman.  “Carol, Carol, I love you…”  She inhaled deeply and then sucked the tender, damp skin. “Oh _god, Therese,”_   Carol moaned, her body on fire, lit from within by love and want and need.  The younger woman slid a gentle hand down Carol’s smooth torso to the crease between her legs, immediately sinking into heated, slick warmth she found there.  When Therese filled her, Carol groaned, pulling Therese’s head to her breast, holding it there with her hands in her soft, fragrant hair.  Now with her mouth at Carol’s breast and her fingers thrusting in and out, Therese felt her lover’s rhythymic movements begin.  “Touch me, Therese, please keep touching me,”  Carol breathed, “please…”

 

     Almost out of her mind with a driving need for gratification, Carol reached for Therese’s head, drawing her up so their lips could meet again.  The younger woman kept moving her fingers, intent on pleasuring this woman and bringing her release and when it came, Carol cried out into the darkened bedroom.  Her body shook and trembled, her chest heaving and skin covered with a fine sheen of perspiration.  Therese held her close, stroking the long length of her back, hip, and thigh, kissing her forehead and humming, the vibration of which made Carol smile inexplicably.

 

     After several quiet minutes had passed, the older woman pulled away slightly so she could look Therese in the eyes.  Bringing a hand up, she gently pushed a lock of brunette hair off her flushed face, tucking it behind the curve of her ear.  Then she smiled again.  “Darling, I didn’t even say hello yet,” she said with some amusement.

 

     Therese laughed lightly, flexing her knee and bringing a foot along the edge of Carol’s calf.  “ _Darling_ , I think you said much more than that!”  She smiled sweetly and then paused as a thought came across the smooth features of her face, dimly outlined in the fading light through the blinds.  “But Rindy…I wasn’t exactly quiet…Do you think she heard?”

 

     Carol shook her head, a glimmer of satisfaction in her eyes.  “No, she didn’t.  For one thing, she was asleep almost before I left her room.  And for another, I put one of the floor fans in there to drown out anything that might be happening two rooms down,” she said, obviously pleased with herself.

 

     “Ah, so I’m free to make sounds…”  Therese let the happy thought float away as she brought a hand up to trace down one of Carol’s bare arms.  “It’s so good to see you,”  she whispered.  “I have so much to tell you.  It was such a wonderful and intense two days.”  She took a deep breath.  “For now though, this is enough, Carol.  This is more than enough.”  She leaned over to kiss her again, her lips brushing back and forth tenderly.  Picking up one of Carol’s hands, she brought it to her lips.  “I love you!  Do you know, do _you_ understand how much?  Because I don’t think I do.”  Her eyes reflected depths she couldn’t see, like the bottom of a deep pool in a creek or the emerald waves of the ocean casting themselves out eternally.

 

     Carol took in a breath, releasing it almost ponderously.  “I _don’t_ understand, darling.  I feel the same, I don’t understand, and for now I just want to be here with you.  Can we,”  she whispered faintly, “can we just _be_ here in this moment?  Can I just hold you and not have to figure it out?”

 

     “Yes, oh yes, that sounds wonderful!  Just hold me, and let’s say thanks…”  And with arms tenderly around each other, the two lovers drifted off to peaceful sleep.

 

     Therese’s suitcase still stood in the lighted front hallway.  It would wait.

 

 

 

  1. 18



 

 

     Deep in restful sleep, Therese was awoken by a breathy, excited voice whispering in her ear.  “Hi, Therese!”  The bed seemed to roll, rather as if she had spent the night on board a ship and the seas were gently swaying.  Still with her eyes closed, she sensed a presence next to her that just didn’t seem like Carol.  “Therese!” the voice continued whispering, “Are we going to catch frogs in rivers today?”  At this, her eyes opened. _Rindy_.  This was Rindy, here in bed, joining Carol and herself at…she glanced at the bedside clock with blurry eyes.  _7:15am?_

Attempting to get her wits about her, the groggy young brunette whispered back, “Did your mommy say we could?  Is that what she wants to do?”

 

     From the other side of the bed Carol’s voice spoke sleepily into the early morning light.  “Did mommy say we could do what?”  Rindy, obviously pleased that both women were awake, repied in an excited voice, “Go to the river and catch frogs, mommy!  Can we do that today?”

 

     It suddenly seemed to dawn on Carol that her daughter had joined them in bed, which thrust her into a fully awakened state much more quickly than would be typical.  Turning over on her other side, she looked into Rindy’s keen blue eyes, with Therese’s startled green ones just behind the youngster’s head.  If she wouldn’t have been so drowsy, Carol would have laughed out loud at her young lover’s immobilization.

 

     Smiling tenderly at Therese, Carol then answered her daughter.  “Rindy, Therese and I haven’t even woken up yet!  How about you give us a little while and then we’ll all decide how to spend today?”

 

      Rindy did not seemed overly pleased with this answer.  “But…but when I saw Therese that last time on…on Mommy’s Day she said she liked catching frogs in rivers, mommy!”  Her sweet young face was twisted into something of a worried frown, her voice sounding plaintive and woebegone.

 

     “Therese _does_ like doing that, sweetheart!  But we haven’t talked at all about the day or how long we have to spend together.  And she just returned last night from a long trip…maybe she just wants to stay home.”  _And how about the fact that I can’t imagine getting in a river to catch cold, slimy frogs?_

 

     Like a flapjack on the griddle, the child flipped toward Therese.  “Well?  Do you, Therese?  Oh please, say yes!  Say yes, say yes!”  Rindy implored, her legs scissoring excitedly against the cool green sheets with a _whooshing_ sound.

 

     If possible, Therese’s eyes grew even bigger and more round, and Carol thought of lily pads as she often did when she gazed at the big green orbs.  But she couldn’t help chuckling at how flustered the young woman looked so she reached an arm out to quiet her daughter.  “Rindy, mommy and Therese are barely awake yet.  It’s too early for us to decide how we’ll spend our day, sweetheart.  How about after breakfast we make our plans, okay?”

 

     The little girl sighed heavily, then replied, “Okay, mommy.  But I still want to catch frogs!”

 

     “I hear you, monkey.  Now, how about letting us get up?” Carol asked with a yawn which clearly suggested she would rather go back to sleep.  She yawned again, absentmindedly stroking Rindy’s soft blond curls away from her warm cheeks. 

 

     “Mommy?”  the child asked.  Still running her fingers through her hair, Carol made eye contact.  “Hmm?  What, darling?”  Rindy paused as if contemplating her words.  “I just…I just wonder why does Therese sleep in your bed?  Is it because she’s your best friend and not daddy?  And not Aunt Abby?”

 

     Making eye contact with Therese, the older woman was momentarily quiet, not really knowing how to respond.  “Darling, yes, Therese is definitely my best friend besides Aunt Abby.  But she’s also the most special adult in mommy’s life.  And when adults have one person they love very much they often sleep together, so they can be close and share hugs.”

 

     Turning toward Therese, Rindy asked, “Is mommy your special person, too, Therese?” Therese nodded enthusiastically.  “Oh yes, for sure, Rindy.  Your mommy is definitely my most very special adult!”  Seemingly satisfied with the answers she’d received, the little girl smiled.  Then she said, “Therese, can you please come get me some juice?”  The young woman returned the smile, relieved and amused at the sudden change of subject.  Reaching out to tousle the blond curls, she replied, “Yes, of course, Rindy.  Let me use the restroom and I’ll be right there, okay?”

 

     Rindy scampered off the bed, fully awake now, a child ready to embrace the possibilities of the day.  “Okay!  I’ll go get Pierre!”  And she skipped out of the room.

 

     Therese and Carol looked at each other smiling, their joy and relief mutual and easy to see.  Carol sighed.  “Well, that was interesting.  What a way to wake up!”  She moved closer to Therese and tugged her close, burying her nose in the warm, soft crook of her pajama-clad shoulder as she stroked the length of her back.

 

     Against Carol’s shoulder, the young woman responded, “I’ll say!”  Carol could feel her smile.  “What a little dynamo!  I’m so glad our answers seem to be what she needed.  I was really caught off guard.  Are you—worried?  You know…that she’ll tell Harge?” she asked, reluctantly removing herself from their embrace.  Therese got out of bed and padded toward the closet for her dark blue robe, so soft now after countless washings.  She turned around to see Carol shaking her head pensively.

 

     “Darling, he knows what’s happening here.  Even though he’s an idiot, he’s not an idiot.”  Getting out of bed herself, Carol came in search of her robe.  “As for Rindy, I _want_ her to see this, to join us.  I’m so thrilled she came into our bed!  That she’s comfortable enough,  and drawn to you…”  She shrugged the garment on and then took Therese in her arms.  “This is _us_ , Therese.  This is our love!  Who we are…how we live.  I won’t hide that from my daughter.  And as for anything Harge doesn’t like, fuck him.  It would suffocate me to hide.”

 

     Clasping each other tightly, the two women sank into the solace of their embrace, both of them experiencing a similar peace.  “This grounds me,” Therese whispered.  “It calms me, it comforts me.”  Tightening her arms she gave one last squeeze, at about the same time Rindy shouted, “Mommy, where’s Pierre?”

 

     Therese’s eyebrows rose.  “ _Who_ is Pierre?”

 

     “Her stuffed turtle.”  Turning to leave the room, Carol shouted,  “I’m coming, sweet pea!  Did you look under your bed…”

 

     Therese went to the kitchen to make coffee, smiling as she listened to the gentle hum of voices from Rindy’s room.  How wonderful that Carol could have this time with Rindy, how nourishing for both of them and the good of their relationship.  Therese had heard the hardness in Carol’s voice at the mention of Harge’s name a few moments ago and knew she herself shared a certain degree of animosity toward the man.  That Carol should have to give up her child still galled her.  She was learning to face her own guilt feelings little by little but in this matter the most important thing was the way her partner and child were faring. 

 

     “Ta-da!”  Startled out of her musings, Therese looked up to see a large stuffed turtle being held out, obscuring Rindy’s face and leaving only her pajama-clad legs and pink slippers open to view.  “Therese, meet Pierre!”  the little girl shouted enthusiastically.

 

     Smiling irresistibly, the young woman played along.  Putting out a hand to grasp the turtle’s front leg, she shook it, saying, “Why hello, Pierre!  How very nice to meet you!”

 

     “He’s happy to meet you too, Therese!”  Rindy continued, “And guess what else?  Mommy says we can go to the river today!  Isn’t that so, so great?  Hurry up!  Let’s go!”  She jumped up and down with uncontainable excitement.

 

     “Nerinda!”  came Carol’s stern voice as she joined them in the kitchen, “that is hardly the polite way to invite Therese to join us, is it?”  Not waiting for an answer, she added, “Now why don’t you use nicer words, hmm?”  Her eyebrows were raised in question and Therese had a hard time hiding her smile at the older woman’s serious and parental expression.

 

     “Okay, okay mommy,” Rindy said meekly.  Looking up at Therese, still with Pierre held against her chest, the child asked, “Therese, would you like to go to the river today with me and mommy?”

 

     “Oh yes, of course I would,” the young woman answered with a smile.  “The river is one of my favorite places!  Let’s bring Pierre, too!”  And so it was decided, and while the two women poured their coffee Rindy skipped away and plopped herself on the sofa where she began talking with the stuffed animal excitedly.

 

     Carol breathed in the delectable scent of the fresh brew before taking her first sip, eyes closed and looking, Therese thought, like a model for a television ad.  “Mmm, is that good,” the taller woman offered while opening her eyes and gazing at Therese with tenderness.  Sipping her own coffee, Therese returned the gaze and then asked, “So where is there a good river or creek around here?”

 

     Carol laughed.  “You’re asking me, darling?  I’d hardly say I’m the most informed on that topic!  How come you don’t know?”  They moved to take seats at the small, rectangular kitchen table with its worn pine surface rubbed smooth.

 

     “Well, I know the Hudson is around here, but I’ve never had a car, Carol, so the thought of getting to it never occurred to me.”  After some discussion, the two women decided to pull out a map of the area, thankful that Rindy was still well occupied, this time with her dolls, who apparently were having an in-depth discussion.  With no prior knowledge of the river system they were just guessing, but settled on the Croton River, just north of Yonkers.  This wouldn’t be too long of a drive.

 

     It took quite a while to leave the apartment but once they did Carol steered the Packard skillfully out of the city and back to the same Route 9 it had traveled the prior day.  Therese was thankful to be in the front passenger seat this time, with Rindy behind her chattering away.  It gave her the opportunity to simply think and not have to concentrate so much, and her thoughts wandered to Sr. Alicia and their wonderful if intense visit, and to the passionate reunion with Carol.  A thrill shot through her as she remembered their lovemaking, making her actually shiver.  Carol must have noticed because she reached a hand across the seat, grasping Therese’s and asking, “Are you cold, darling?  Shall I roll up my window?”

 

     The younger woman shook her head, debating whether to be honest with her lover.  Truth won out as she answered, “No, not cold.  Just thinking…remembering last night.”  She smiled, her eyes a reflection of something deep and rich and powerful.  Making eye contact with Carol seemed to crystallize the feelings they both shared.  Therese squeezed her fingers gently, looking down when tears blurred her vision.

 

     “Are you okay?” Carol asked softly.

 

     “Mmm-hmm,” she replied with a nod.  “Just shaken, but not in a bad way.  Deep feelings, you know?”  She turned around to check on Rindy and saw the small child had dozed off.  “God, Carol, she is just so beautiful!  And that energy!  Has she been like that the whole time?” There was an ominous sense of foreboding in her tone that made the other woman laugh.

 

     “You should see the look on your face!  Are you a little worried about today?” she teased. “No, darling, Rindy does not always go three hundred miles an hour.  _Two hundred_ , maybe…” She rather enjoyed playing the imp for once as this was usually her partner’s role.

 

     Therese looked at Carol with tenderness, her head cocked to the side and a small smile playing about her lips.  “You’re glowing.  You get around her and you glow like I’ve never seen you do.”  She paused, uncertain if she should continue, but Carol caught her hesitation and motioned with a hand, encouraging her to finish her thought.  “I…it’s hard for me to bring up Rindy, Carol.  To talk freely about her.  I’m always wondering if it hurts you too much.”

 

     With a quick glance over her shoulder to assure the girl was still asleep, the blond woman replied, “It used to.  There was such a long period of time when the merest thought of her would shatter me.  Not that I could ever stop the thoughts, mind you.  But I didn’t have you then, either, sweetheart, so it was deep despair from every angle.  I suppose,” she continued, and it sounded as if she was coming to an understanding as she spoke, “I suppose our love is a buffer of sorts.  I am more able to part from Rindy when you’re standing next to me.  You make me stronger.”

 

     Therese released a deep breath, one she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.  “Alicia told me that I should be honest with you about this.  The swami speaks!”  She chuckled lightly.  “As I was talking with her—she calls it _processing_ , though—I realized I’m still afraid, Carol.  That if you get upset about Rindy you’ll leave me all over again.”  Hearing the other woman’s gasp, Therese quickly said, “Not that it makes sense!  I don’t think it’s a rational thing…I’m not saying I even believe you’d ever do such a thing.  I just know that sometimes I avoid the whole topic of RIndy out of fear.  And then I feel badly because she gives you so much joy you must be needing to talk about her!” 

 

     Carol looked at Therese with tears shimmering in her blue eyes.  Then she brought their clasped hands to her lips, leaving a featherlight kiss on the back of the smaller of the two.  “You’re so right, Therese.  I’d love to talk more about my daughter!”  she whispered.  “It would keep her memory that much more alive until I can see her again.”  With her eyes back on the road, she tightened her grip on the Therese’s hand.  “And no, I’m not leaving you again, darling.  Never. Please don’t be frightened.”

 

     “Alicia said we have to walk down our dark hallways together and throw open all the doors until the light of truth dissolves the fear.”

 

     Shaking her head in amazement, Carol responded,  “Sister Swami, once again!”

 

                                           ______________________________________

 

_I think I’m going to lose my mind_ , Carol thought, as cold water began seeping through the canvas of her battered old sneakers.  Out loud she shouted, “Therese!  It’s cold and…wet…and what if slimy things get to my toes?”  Her trepidation was easy to hear, and the younger woman laughed delightedly and without sympathy.

 

     “You’re doing great, Carol.  Just keep coming!  You’re a million times bigger than anything in this creek!” Therese counseled her girlfriend, loving the look of her in her oldest “work” clothes—paint splattered pedal pushers, a faded yellow blouse and the now soaked sneakers.  The expression on the older woman’s face was priceless, and she wished she had her camera to capture it.  Instead she coaxed her again.  “See?  It’s not so bad, is it?  The water is so shallow it’s warm as a bath this time of year.”

 

     “ _Hurry up_ , mommy!  We need you!  The fishies are going to get away!”  Rindy’s exhuberant cry  seemed to come from the ground up.  Clad in her red rubber snow boots, shorts and an old blue t-shirt the child crouched so low to the water she was risking a very wet bottom.  “ _Now mommy_ ,” the little girl announced importantly, “the littlest fishies are guppies, and then they become tadpoles.  And then guess what?” she asked, her blue eyes widened with amazement, standing up straight now to impart her teaching.

 

     Carol was swept with a wave of love for RIndy so powerful it stole the air from her lungs.  After a moment, she responded, “What baby?  What happens next?”

 

     “You won’t believe it, mommy!  The tadpoles grow into frogs!  The _fish_ grow into frogs, right Therese?” she shouted.  “Isn’t that true?” 

 

     Looking at Carol, Therese replied, “Yes, Rindy, you got it exactly right!  You’re so smart, honey!”  Rindy’s voice faded as she saw the older woman’s eyes glistening with tears.  Therese knew they were the same tears of joy that filled her own eyes, and inexplicably they quieted her.  Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply, taking an inner photo of the rich, decadent life teeming around her—trees robed in leaves that swayed and shimmered like silver dollars in the slight summer breeze, wildflowers near the creek bank being visited by butterflies and buzzing bees, turtles sunning themselves on fallen logs, and the clear, cool water flowing around her ankles, its bubbling flow a prayerful meditation.

 

     A peace filled her being then, a deep peace and sacred knowing.  Opening her eyes, she knew Carol felt it, too.   _This_ life.  _This_ woman.  _This_ child.  _This_ truth.   _This is why I was born_.  _This is where the road_ _has been leading._   Joy swept her being so intensely she shook.  Carol took her in her arms and they held each other, there in the creek with the water flowing around them like an elixir from heaven.  This was all, this was everything…this was more than enough _.  Deo gratias_.

 

     A high-pitched, young voice came piercing into the moment.  “Guys, quit hugging already!  The guppies are getting away!”

 

 

 

 

  1. 19



 

 

     When Harge came to pick Rindy up she was refreshed.  After creeking, a picnic, the drive home during which she slept, and then some additional nap time, the youngster had awoken fully recharged.  Following a bath to remove the mud from the morning’s creeking adventure, she’d snacked and was sitting on the sofa with Therese.  The two were settled in with an encyclopedia and were looking up various river inhabitants so Rindy could see their pictures and hear interesting details about the animals.

 

     When the knock sounded, neither Carol nor Therese was ready for the delightful day to end.  Taking a deep breath, Carol went to answer the door, reminding herself in a distant part of her mind that this was part of the choices she’d made.  So much of it was forced on her, none of it was easy—it broke her heart every time--but this was the path she’d chosen and there would be no going back now.

 

     Harge stepped into the entranceway tentatively, almost with caution, and certainly with some disdain.  A slight frown marred his handsome features, though good breeding dictated his polite greeting.  “Hello, Carol,” was all he said.

 

     She nodded her response.  “Harge.”  Having nothing else to say to him, Carol was relieved when Rindy bolted from the couch and ran toward her father shouting, “Daddy! Daddy!  Hi, daddy!  I went to the creek with mommy and Therese and Pierre we tried to catch frogs but they got away but then we saw turtles on the logs and they let us pick them up and _they are so cute_ like Pierre and did you know that _fish_ grow up to be _frogs_?” 

 

     Upon reaching Harge, the child jumped into his arms.  He hefted her easily, placing her on a hip.  “Slow down, slow down, Rindy!  What’s this about the creek and frogs and turtles?”  As she retold the tale of the morning’s adventures, Harge’s tanned, handsome face morphed into what seemed to Carol to be an almost comical array of emotions—disbelief, disapproval, doubt, shock, and what could have been—but probably wasn’t—admiration.

 

     “Wow, Rindy!  Creeking!  It sounds like you’ve had a real adventure!”  Though he tried, the tall, dark, broad shouldered man couldn’t quite interject approval into his voice.  Having risen from the sofa to join them whether Harge liked it or not, Therese wondered if he was feeling resentment that Carol and her  female partner had taken this very “male” activity upon themselves and had drawn his daughter into their fun.  She wanted to laugh derisively but was relieved she could prevent herself from doing so as this would hardly help Carol’s situation.

 

     “Mr. Aird, Rindy truly has a heart for nature!” she said instead, swallowing her hard feelings toward the man. “She is so adventurous and brave and so very smart!  Right, Rindy?” She thought the tension in the small foyer was enough to ignite a bomb and frankly wished she wasn’t standing there talking to this man who had hurt Carol so deeply.  But this was part of life with Carol, and certainly part of sharing her child with an ex-husband.

 

     “Oh, I’m so smart, daddy!”  Rindy’s pronouncement made each adult chuckle, and this thankfully served to bring a decrease in the tension hovering like bottles on the verge of being dropped.  After a moment, Harge responded, “I agree, Rindy!  I think you’re smart, too, and I can’t wait to hear all about what you saw at the creek.  Now, let’s get going, okay?”

 

     Sounding despondent, Rindy said, “Okay, daddy.  But can mommy walk me downstairs?”

 

     With his nostrils flaring slightly, he agreed.  “Sure, Rindy.  Let’s gather up your bag.”

 

     Harge put the child down, and she walked the few steps to the small table where her knapsack was sitting, her stuffed green turtle alongside. Taking hold and dragging both toward the door, she unexpectedly changed direction, coming to stand at Therese’s side.  “Will you hug me goodbye, Therese?” 

 

     The young woman felt her heart clench as she looked down.  Rindy’s cornflower blue eyes shone with an open innocence, her golden blond curls framing the fine bones of her heart-shaped face with such beauty Therese thought fleetingly of angels. “Of course!”  Coming down to her knees, she enveloped the little girl in her arms.  Holding her for a few short moments, Therese then pulled away to look her in the eyes.  “I had so much fun at the creek today, Rindy!  I’m so glad you came to visit!”  Then she hugged her again, and stood smiling down at her.

 

     Carol swallowed the lump in her throat and said, “Okay, sweet pea.  It’s time to get you home with daddy.”  And the three left the apartment, Carol gazing at Therese with grateful and pained eyes as  she closed the door.

 

     It was a quiet elevator ride down to the lobby, and she was thankful it was quick.  Harge had parked out front, his sleek car watched over by one of the young doormen who opened its back door as he approached with Rindy still in his embrace.  He turned toward Carol, and the child held out her arms.

 

     “Mommy, I had so much fun with you and Therese!  It was my best trip ever to a creek!”  Rindy said with her head buried against her mother’s shoulder.  “Can we go again?  Can I come back and see you and Therese again?  And bring Pierre, too?”  The pleading note in her young voice sounded wretched to Carol.

 

     “If daddy wants to bring you, okay?  Mommy and Therese would love for you to come!”  She was surprised the child wasn’t complaining at how hard she was being squeezed and the quantity of kisses that were being pressed upon her cheeks, forehead, ears, head…everywhere Carol could possibly reach.  “Oh Rindy darling, I love you so much!  I think of you every single day!”  In a muffled voice, the little girl replied, “I love you too, mommy.  I miss you!  I love Therese, too, and daddy and Pierre.” 

 

 

     With one last kiss and squeeze, Carol handed her daughter back to Harge, who bent to help her into the back seat.  Upon straightening he made eye contact, an inscrutable look on his face.  “Thanks for bringing her, Harge,” Carol said quietly and with a slight nod of her head.  He nodded briefly in return, and then began making his way around the car.  “Carol?”

    

     Having almost turned to go, she looked back inquiringly.  Harge smiled very faintly.  “I’m glad she had fun,” he commented, and then got in the car and drove away.  She stood for a moment, allowing herself to feel her surprise, then squared her shoulders and walked pensively into the apartment building. 

 

     As she rode the elevator, Carol rested her head against the wall, feeling the almost soothing vibration of its movements against her skull, listening to the hum of the electric pulleys and the faint sounds of the mysterious whirring machinery.  She felt lulled, the edges of fatigue starting to creep near.  Carol  knew she’d turned her emotions off, or maybe her body had, as she was simply too tired to sort through them.  Instead, she gazed blankly at the deep blue fabric covering the ceiling thinking nothing in particular.

 

     Maybe it was because of her weariness, but she had a strange thought as she left the elevator and made for the apartment door.  Shaking her head, she stopped, trying to make sense of it: _I place before_ _you life and death, blessings and curses; choose life._ What?  How odd that these words would pop in her head just now.  With eyebrows pursed, she pondered, wondering if she’d read them in a novel at some point, but her instincts told her they were biblical.  Which was even more odd because though her parents dutifully took her to church services as a child, she certainly had no recollection of retaining any bible verses in her memory banks.

 

     But as Carol let herself in the door, she put aside her musings, wanting Therese, a drink, and a cigarette.  Entering the living room, she found her young lover already had poured two whiskeys, which now sat on the coffee table.  Plopping down on the sofa, she took a grateful sip from one of the glasses, then picked up her lighter and lit the cigarette she’d taken from the decorative box in front of her. She inhaled deeply, and then lay her head against the cushions, exhaling and aimlessly watching the smoky blue cloud drift away.

 

     “Are you okay?”  Therese stood behind her now, having crept softly into the room, running her fingers through Carol’s hair, which felt divine and soothing to the older woman.

 

     “You came in so quietly, darling.   Come sit for a bit,” Carol invited.  Talkng a sip of her drink, she raised the glass with a slight nod.  “Thanks for this.  It’s just what I wanted.”

 

     Settling her small frame into the sofa’s corner, Therese smiled gently.  “It’s what I wanted, too!”  She took a sip.  “You didn’t say, though…are you okay?  Or is it not okay to ask?”

 

     Carol frowned and answered with some impatience.  “Sweetheart, of course it’s okay to ask!  And I’m…yes, you could say I’m okay.  Actually, I’m not sure what I am.  It’s never easy…letting her go…” The blond woman’s voice faded and she sipped her drink again, the cigarette burning almost unnoticed at her knee.  “I shut down now, you know…” 

 

     The younger woman nodded gently.  “Mmm-hmm, I know.  It’s okay.  It’s why I asked, though.  I don’t want to be intrusive and I’m never sure what you need where Rindy’s concerned.”  An unexpected smile stole across her face, her emerald eyes brightening.  “But god, Carol, she is a wonder! It was such a blessing being with the two of you…more than a blessing!  And you were such a sport, getting in the creek with us!”  Therese laughed tentatively but happily at the image stealing across her mind’s eye.

 

     “ _Oh please_!” Carol laughed too then, welcoming the changing energy, the remembered joy that began to brush gently against the jagged edges of her heart like pink and purple hues in a watercolor painting.  “Of all the things…all the places I never expected to find myself!  Creeking is just not me, Therese!  Or at least it wasn’t, until today.”  She shook her head and then erupted in such a ferocious  burst of laughter, her companion jumped slightly and the sofa shook.  “And Harge!  Oh my god, he must be losing his mind.  Can you imagine?  His former wife, a well-dressed socialite, now puts on her oldest never-to-be-worn-in-public clothes and goes mucking around in the Croton River with her lesbian lover and their daughter!”

 

     At this, Therese laughed too, and it was just the release the two women needed. They laughed and giggled until their eyes watered, and each time they made eye contact, a new burst of laughter began.  _Choose life_ , Carol heard within the ruckus, and she just let the words be there, half wondering if she was channeling a Sr. Alicia swami-ism but not really caring.  _Choose life._

 

     As their laughter died, Carol put her burnt-down cigarette in the ashtray, hardly noticing the ashes that had soiled the carpet.  _Blessings or curses._  She slid her long length across the sofa cushion, looking at Therese with heartbreaking need.  “Come here, darling.  Hold me for just a moment,” she whispered softly.  _Blessings or curses._

Therese happily came into Carol’s arms, embracing her tenderly, running her fingers through the silken blond hair at the back of her head.  Breathing deeply, the younger woman was once again overcome with a love so intense it almost left her speechless.  “Ahh, Carol…ahh, Carol,” she murmured, their soft cheeks tenderly caressing.  She really did not have words, and so Therese just held her lover, rocking gently back and forth.

 

     Carol felt gratefulness sweep through her as she buried her face in the warmth of Therese’s small, sweetly-scented shoulder.  _Choose life or death._  “Just hold me, darling, just hold me,” she said softly as she fell deeper into their enveloping, loving embrace.  _Choose life or death._  “I love you, Therese.  Just hold me…”

 

     _Choose life._

  1. 20



 

 

     It was Wednesday before Therese and Carol really had the opportunity to talk in-depth again, the first two days of the week having called for longer work days that left them both too exhausted to do much in the evening except eat, sit on the balcony to have a drink and share a cigarette, and fall into bed shortly thereafter.

 

     Now, Therese waited at a table in one of their favorite restaurants, sipping a glass of wine and enjoying the taste of the fine merlot.  Eventually, Carol arrived, entering the dining room with her eyes seeking her girlfriend.  Therese thought she looked stunning in the beige linen suit, its pencil skirt hugging her curves, her matching shoes and handbag the perfect accompaniments, a pert hat perched atop her blond head with flair.  Gold jewelry glinted in the glow from the dimmed overhead lights, adding elegance and class.  That her partner always looked so perfectly put together, so professional,  gave Therese a certain sense of pride.  It also made the memory of a wet and muddy Carol in the creek the other day all the more special.

 

     She approached Therese with a slight wave and upon reaching the table the two women kissed each other on the cheek, sharing a smile before sitting down.  Carol eyed her girlfriend appreciatively and said, “You look lovely, darling. It’s so good to see you!”

 

     The younger woman nodded slightly and replied, “I was just thinking that exact same thing!  The lights were glinting off your jewelry as you came in…you’re like a Christmas tree that people can’t help but look at, Carol.  If they could only have seen you in the creek…” she finished in her impish fashion with a playful smirk on her face.

 

     Carol laughed lightly.  “Oh, Therese, I never in a million years would have chosen that activity!  But it was so fun!  Who could have guessed?  Maybe next time though we can catch a Broadway matinee. I want Rindy to know the world of the theater and music, too, and I just have a feeling Harge isn’t exposing her.”

 

     The waiter came to take Carol’s drink order and fill water glasses for both women, then surreptiously left to give them a few moments to peruse the menu.  Before she began reading, Therese observed, “You are really such a good mom, Carol.  Meeting your child where she is, even if it takes you out of your comfort zone.  And remembering your own values and how to open doors for her if possible.  Rindy is really very lucky!”

 

     “Thanks, sweetheart.  I’m very glad she has you now, too, you know.  You’re part of her blessings!”  She paused, shaking her head in some wonderment.  “Do you know, before you came into my life, and then Alicia, I never would think of using the term ‘blessings.’  You’re both changing me!” 

 

     The waiter came then with Carol’s drink and a basket of sliced bread.  Therese waited to reply until they’d placed their orders.  Taking a sip of her drink, she said, “That’s all Alicia, Carol.  I remember her language from childhood only vaguely.  She’s brought it all with her now, as she’s come into our lives.  Well, _back_ into mine! ”

 

     “This is really the first chance to talk we’ve had since Rindy left.  I’ve been dying to hear all about your trip!  Tell me, darling,” Carol invited as she buttered a piece of bread.  But looking at Therese she saw a cloud pass over her.  “Unless you don’t want to?  Is everything okay, angel?”

 

     Swallowing her bread, Therese responded, “Yes, it’s fine.  It was a wonderful two days, Carol.  Such a beautiful place and such lovely women!  There’s just...it was very intense for different reasons.  I’ve been wanting to talk with you.  It’s been such a whirlwind since I came back!”  She sighed.  “I haven’t been able to work up the energy.”

 

     “Well, tell me about the easy and wonderful parts first!” the older woman encouraged with a smile.  And so Therese spoke in detail about the lovely grounds of Pace di Christo, the gardens and walkways and pictures she was able  to take.  Their meals were placed in front of them and she paused to sniff appreciatively, taking a bite of grilled haddock and savoring the light, buttery morsel.  “Oh, my that’s good!”  She smiled.  “The Franciscan nuns didn’t quite dine on food like this…”  Therese then spoke about the beauty of the sisters, the simple way they lived, their commitment to the poor, and the joy they seemed to embody.  “There was a younger nun, Sr. Catherine Ann.  She looked to be about my age.  I was especially struck by her passionate nature, and she was just so sweet, Carol!

 

    “It’s how they all seemed. They had this humbleness, these kind temperments.  It was such a juxtaposition to what I’m surrounded by at work each day.  Not that I’m naïve.  Alicia told me a congregation of sisters has plenty of friction involved between its members and theirs was no different.  But you know,” she mused as she sat back and took a sip of her wine, her eyes narrowing as she thought about what she wanted to say, “there was still something so different.  There’s something to be said about a commitment to simple living, taking care of the less fortunate, and stewardship of the earth.  And I would love to have met Francis of Assisi!  The more I learned about him, the more blessed I felt.  Someday I’m going to have to go to Assisi!”

 

     Carol leaned back, too, her head cocked to the side as she studied Therese.  “It was really good for you to go there, wasn’t it?” she asked as the waiter cleared their plates and inquired about dessert.  Both women turned this down but did want coffee.  “It’s written all over you, Therese.  Even with Rindy bouncing off the walls, there was and still is a deepened peace to your already peaceful nature.  You seem…rooted?  Centered?”  Carol kept analyzing the younger woman, head still tilted and blue eyes peering with focus in a way that made Therese feel like a painting at the Met.  Having lit a cigarette, she blew a puff of smoke upward.  “And how lovely for you to have extended time with Alicia, especially!  That had to be the best part of all!”

 

     Therese smiled.  “Yes…she’s just so wonderful.  Although I finally had to come right out and ask her what she saw in me.  I mean, here she was surrounded by seventy or so _nuns_   and she’s hanging out with me, of all people.  It doesn’t make much sense to me, especially up there in her environment.”  She paused to allow the waiter to place her coffee on the table.  With a pensive look on her face, she added cream and stirred.  “Alicia told me she had felt for a very long time that she and I are soul sisters.  That she knew this from the time I was very young, had always felt a special connection with me.  It was powerful for her to put that into words.  It’s like she was speaking my heart.”  She stopped to take a small sip of coffee, closing her eyes with pleasure at the taste of the creamy liquid sliding smoothly down her throat.  “I’m concerned about her though, Carol,” she continued, and her eyes were somewhat troubled.

 

     “Because?” the older woman asked, her coffee cup at her lips.

 

     “She’s had a really difficult last five or six years or so, though you’d never know it from her visit with us.  You know…how upbeat she was, her humor, how she gave to _us_.”  Therese stopped momentarily, and her companion could clearly see her distress.  Taking and releasing a deep breath, the young woman said, “Alicia told me she had a nervous breakdown six years ago.  She struggled badly during the war from stress and anxiety…she was overworked and overwhelmed, and babies were dying in her arms.  I think _depleted_ would be a good description.  And she said that right after the war ended she started to unravel.  Couldn’t sleep or eat.  Couldn’t concentrate.  She was having anxiety attacks, getting immobilized by fear.  At some point she knew she couldn’t stay at St. Agatha’s.  She’d fallen into a deep depression, and finally her Mother Superior removed her and placed her on sabbatical leave.”

 

     Carol felt momentarily distraught thinking about the lovely Alicia suffering so deeply, both emotionally and physically, it now seemed.  “But…what was it, Therese?  What threw her into such a tailspin?  Not that the two wars she lived through wouldn’t be plenty...” She noticed her girlfriend hesitating slightly.  “Sweetheart?  What is it?”

 

     Therese fidgeted in her chair, suddenly overcome by anxiety for Alicia’s well-being and sorrow over what she’d lived through.  With eyes brimming with sudden tears she whispered, “Oh, Carol.  It’s just…I…Oh, God it’s just so awful!  She told me her breakdown mainly had to do with recovery from…”  She paused, and Carol could see Therese’s jaw muscles clench.  “When Alicia was 18 she was raped, Carol.” 

 

     She had whispered these words, and with the clammer of the restaurant all around them Carol wasn’t sure she’d heard the younger woman clearly.  It couldn’t have been…?  “ _Jesus Christ!_ Did you say…she was _raped?”_ she asked softly but distinctly. 

 

     Therese nodded, horrified all over again as Alicia’s reality sunk in.  She almost felt the wind knocked out of her, as if she’d been punched in the solar plexus or fallen from a tree and slammed into the earth.  “Yes, yes!  When she was 18…she’d left home, come to the city…I’m not sure of all the details because I didn’t think I should ask for them.  And she was—still is--suffering.  I could see that clearly although she says she’s so much better.”

 

     Carol, too, felt herself reeling with this news.  She stayed silent, quite uncertain what to say.  Her hands felt jittery as she lifted her coffee cup, holding it with both hands almost just to have something to squeeze.  The din of the dining room receded until she could feel her own heart hammering against her breast.  Then she whispered, “I don’t know what to say, Therese!  What to say, what we can do…it’s too horrific.  I could hurl this china cup right now!” 

 

     “I know,”  the younger woman replied.  “It makes me feel crazy inside every time I think of it.”  She looked around the restaurant and all of a sudden needed to be away from here.  She wanted home.  Home and Carol.  “Can we go now?  Let’s go home and talk some more.  I need to get out of this public place.  It’s too exposing, or something…Is that okay?”

 

     Carol took in the shaky look in her girlfriend’s eyes even as she nodded.  “Of course, darling.  I feel the same way,” and she motioned with a graceful hand for the waiter’s attention.  She smiled with reassurance.  “Yes, let’s go home.”

 

                                                  _____________________________________

 

 

 

     Some time later the two women sat on their sofa with cups of tea.  It had been a quiet cab ride, neither of them wanting to continue their conversation with a stranger within earshot.  But now, in pajamas with faces scrubbed free of makeup and the day’s grime showered away, Therese picked up the threads of conversation much more freely.

 

     “I worry about Alicia, Carol.  I can see she’s healed so much from how she described she had been.  But she’s still so isolated!  She’s a senior member of her congregation.  One of the older nuns, and the younger ones come to her.  She’s on sabbatical, so she really doesn’t have formal responsibilities, and also on medical leave.  Her main focus is her recovery.  I know she spends a lot of time in prayer and meditation and more than anything else, rest.  That’s her main job.”

 

     Carol nodded.  “It seems it would need to be, don’t you think?  I can’t imagine how one heals…”

 

     “Alicia still goes to therapy.  She has a psychiatrist.  A female, thank God!  She may be the only one in the nation, I don’t know, but I’m so glad Alicia can work with a woman!  But it’s clear she just doesn’t have _friends_ in Albany.  A support system that is outside her congregation but close by.  And Maggie died, and they used to talk daily…”

 

     But Therese’s words had faded as Carol’s mind was once again overcome by inner whispers.  Though taken by surprise, she listened:  _Choose life or death.  Blessings or curses.  Life or death.  “Sr. Alicia_ _always said, The Lord works through broken vessels…”  Broken vessels.  The Lord works._ When had Therese shared that swami-ism?  Did it matter?  _The Lord works through broken vessels…_ Yes!  That would be me!

“Carol?  Are you okay?”  The older woman looked at Therese, whose eyes were narrowed with concern.  “You went somewhere else.”

 

     She took a deep breath.  “Sweetheart, I’m sorry, I got distracted.  Yes, I’m fine.  But I also know what we have to do!  _We_ have to be her support system!  Let’s go there on weekends.  Or have her come here, for dinner or even a week if she’d find that relaxing.  We can invite Elaine to join us.  Maybe that would help Alicia feel closer to Maggie’s memory…maybe?  I don’t know.  But certainly we can ask Alicia what might be helpful to her.”  She paused, looking at her young lover, whose eyes were glistening with tears.  “Are you okay, love?”

 

     Therese scooted across the couch and plopped herself in Carol’s lap, throwing her arms around her neck and squeezing tightly.  Breathing in the comforting scent of her skin, she kissed her neck lightly before saying, “I’m fine, Carol.  I just love you so much. You have _such_ a generous spirit.  It’s one of the most beautiful qualities about you!  And I was hoping you’d want to be part of Alicia’s support system, maybe even grow to be a friend to her if it interested you.”  She stopped, distracted by the sight of the creamy skin of her lover’s cheek, which she kissed lightly.  “I want to be there more for her, too.  But I don’t feel qualified…like I’m not even sure how I can help, but I want to try.”

 

     The older woman nuzzled her nose into the hair at Therese’s temple, soothed by her warmth and scent and nearness.  “I feel the same way, darling.  Like I may not even have what it takes to support her.  I’m often too messed up myself.  But,” and she pulled slightly away and Therese saw the fiery determination in her eyes, “remember that swami-ism you shared?  _The Lord works through_ _broken vessels._ We certainly qualify!  So if there really is a God, or at least some greater Love or Wisdom or whatever, then I would assume we can be used by it, right?”

 

     Just before answering, Therese heard her own inner whisper:  _Open the door. Invite God in._ She smiled and answered with confidence, “Yes!  Of course, yes!”

 

 

CH 21

                                                                                                                     

 

     “Thanks, Catherine.  I’ll be waiting for you in this spot in exactly two hours!” Alicia promised with a reassuring smile and wave.  Turning to go, she felt grateful for the support of her cane.  It was a hot and humid mid-August day in Albany, and her hip was screaming in protest.  Wiping her upper lip with clammy fingertips, she resolved to walk on.  Both her hip and soul would thank her later.

 

     Alicia was truly grateful to whatever benefactor had provided the sisters with a car.  Sr. Catherine Ann had a doctor’s appointment in the city and graciously offered to drop Alicia at the small city park where she could walk on the relatively flat wooded paths, sit on a bench by the creek, and hopefully lose herself in prayer.  Today she knew without a doubt she needed this.

 

     August 18th.  The date on which she was raped.  Every year it seemed to cut her off at the knees, although she definitely was feeling stronger than she was four or five years ago. The fragility was gone now, to be replaced by a self-confidence that had been born of struggle and its overcoming. But still it hurt, this wound done to her, this ache that lived in her cells and for which she had no cure.  Her hope was in the fact that it had faded.  _Deo gracias!_   The pain had begun to fade…

 

     And Elaine had called this morning, as she had for the last forty years or so.  It used to be Elaine and Maggie, and the thought made grief tear through her again.  How she missed her sister! But what an incredible blessing Elaine was.  She had become a sister, too, and had walked through her recovery with her, a stalwart companion moving toward triumph.

 

     Settling herself on a bench by the creek with a soft “humph!”, Alicia wished for perhaps the three millionth time that she wasn’t in her long black tunic and habit.  She was hot and perspiring underneath and thankful that at least Mother Superior had consented to the nuns wearing sandals without hose in these hot weeks of late summer.  But what she wouldn’t give for a t-shirt, shorts, and a thin body!  She laughed out loud, the birds that had been perched nearby taking flight immediately  and leaving her alone with the meditative sound of the water gurgling over rocks.  One of the most precious sounds she’d ever heard.

 

     Taking deep breaths, the nun deliberately began inviting her body, mind, and spirit into a space of peaceful calm as she gazed at the creek, following its ripples and the path of the of the leaves that had given up trying and fallen early in the blazing heat.  She watched one in particular and was struck by the stunning beauty with which it seamlessly began its journey, substance and air meeting water in perfect harmony.

 

     It occurred to her that this was what had finally—finally—set her on a path of true healing in earnest.  Having cajoled, commanded, directed, and even threatened God to do what _she_ knew was right and give her what _she_ knew she needed, one day Alicia stopped.  She was sure now it was only grace that allowed her to do so, but she simply stopped attempting to be the boss of her own healing journey.  She surrendered to God, to Wisdom, to Spirit, even as she doubted their existence.  She asked for the grace to trust and somehow became like the leaf she had just seen, riding the current though she never knew what was coming around any given bend, terrified most of the time that she’d be slammed into a rock and shattered once again.

 

     Alicia remembered how she had counseled the adolescents in her charge at St. Agatha’s: _Open the door.  Invite God in._ When she had finally done so _in her heart_ and not so much only in her mind, then flow began to happen, miracles seemed to appear.  She had been changed on the heart level, transformed, made new, and nothing had been the same since. 

 

     Looking around now, the nun saw very few other people.  The river looked so inviting from this vantage point, and she longed for the feel of the cool water around her ankles.  _It would be a kind of_ _disaster if I fall in but oh, what the heck?  I’ll give it a try!_   She limped down to the bank with her cane, scouting out a place where she could easily go in and out.  Then she stooped to remove her sandals, one at a time, grateful for the cane to steady her.

 

     Hitching up her tunic, she stepped down the gently sloped, muddy bank and inched her way slowly into the water.  _Oh, this is wonderful!  So cool and refreshing and exhilarating!  Thank you,_ _Lord!_ Alicia looked down, almost fascinated at the sight of her white feet standing on the reddish brown, white, and gray pebbles of the creek bed, the silvery water flowing about her ankles like a sparkling, bubbling, liquid massage.  Looking around she could see small fish scurrying toward the deeper pools like happy school children at recess.  The trees around this part of the creek wore blankets of thick, dark green leaves that swayed gently in the light afternoon breeze, and it seemed countless birds were singing in their lofty heights.  _This is a little piece of heaven.  It’s just what I needed today.  It’s—_

“Why are you in there?”  Startled out of her reverie, the nun looked up to see a small, thin black boy looking at her, his dark brown eyes shining with curiosity.  He was perhaps seven or eight years old and wore blue shorts, a blue and white striped shirt, and battered, old gray sneakers that looked two or three times too big for his feet.

 

     “Why am I in where?” Alicia asked without thinking.  The child looked at her in confusion or suspicion, or perhaps both.  “In the creek!  Why are you in the creek?” he asked again.  Amused, she asked, “Well, why shouldn’t I be?”

 

     “Momma says you’re supposed to be praying, ‘cuz that’s what you do.  You don’t look like you’re praying,”  he observed.  Alicia laughed at the wry, accusatory tone in his young voice.  “Well son, it’s possible to pray in many different places besides church!  Don’t you ever pray at home?”  He nodded.  “So there you have it.”  She paused a second to wade to a different spot.  “What’s your name, anyhow?”

 

     “Thomas Ellwood Carver,”  he stated solemnly.

 

     “Are you here with your momma?”  She watched him nod again.  “And does she let you come into the creek?”  He shook his head in the negative.  She paused, clearly seeing the desire in his eyes.  “Do you want to go ask her if you can come in with me?”  He nodded, this time not making eye contact.  Alicia gently said, “It’s okay with me, Thomas.  You can ask her to come meet me if she wants, too.”  Without answering, the boy turned on his heels and ran away, leaving Alicia to wonder if he would come back or not.  Perhaps he would get in trouble for talking with a stranger.

 

     She returned to her wading and was quickly immersed once again in this delightful world, breathing deeply, walking slowly, truly feeling the nuanced caress of the water flowing against her skin.  When she closed her eyes it was the breeze that struck her, blowing gently against her pink face, causing the tail of her habit to billow slightly against the sides of her neck. She smiled, deeply at peace and with a sense of surpassing gratitude for these moments, this place.  It truly was a prayer to just be present to this place, to just say thank you.  And to let the healing hand of nature continue to work on whatever woundedness remained on this August 18th.

 

     “Sister?”  Startled once again by an unexpected voice, Alicia picked her head up and saw Thomas holding hands with a lovely young black woman, tall and thin, her short, tightly curled hair beautifully groomed and accenting the graceful curves of her head, which appeared fine boned and delicate.  She wore an old red dress and sandals and looked at Alicia with deep brown almond shaped eyes that struck the nun as stunning.

 

     “Yes, I’m Sr. Alicia,”  she answered gently.  The young woman shyly said, “Thomas said you invited him to come into the creek with you.”  Alicia smiled reassuringly, looking at the young woman and then Thomas.  “Well yes, I most certainly did.  Would you both like to join me, perhaps?”

 

     “Really?” the woman asked rather diffidently.  The nun nodded. “Yes, really dear.  What’s your name?”  As she made shy eye contact, Alicia could see what seemed to be swelling around one of the woman’s eyes, and perhaps slight bruising below it, though it was hard to tell against the lovely deep brown of her skin tone.  Her bottom lip, too, appeared swollen, and there was a cut along her chinbone.  “I’m Mary Ella.”

 

     “So come, Mary Ella.  You too, Thomas.  Take off your footwear and come in!  It feels lovely,”  she invited in a kind, warm voice.  As the two did as asked and entered the creek, Alicia felt a warmth begin to seep into her being, starting at the top of her head and flowing down, as if sunshine was being piped directly into her bloodstream and was now coursing through her entire body.  And looking again at Mary Ella, the nun knew.  _She’s like me.  It happened to her, too._  

 

     Alicia didn’t understand God or the mysterious ways God appeared to work.  She was just one woman, one nun who had spent her adult life seeking after the Spirit.  She’d fumbled her way much of the time and totally shut the door at others, and yet despite the suffering, the heartache, the tragedy, and the violence she had known she never could seem to quiet that inner voice that kept calling her, inviting her, beckoning her.  _Open the door.  Invite God in._ Here in this creek, in this moment, she did just that, trusting the mystery, the grace, and ultimately the Love that had sustained her even when she was certain it hadn’t. 

 

     She opened the door, gazing warmly at Mary Ella and then Thomas.  “I’m so very glad to meet you!”

 

 

 

                                                      ______________________________________

 

 

     It was Sunday and Carol and Therese were lounging in the living room.  Both women wore pedal pushers and sleeveless blouses, their feet bare as they attempted to stay as cool as possible in the late August heat that seemed to rise directly from the steaming pavement of Madison Avenue five stories below them.  A fan blew gently from a short distance away, providing welcome relief and a soothing white noise to go with the compilation of jazz greats playing on the record player.  Therese was flipping through photos, and Carol happily and aimlessly leafed through style magazines to check out the latest fashions.  The ringing telephone cut into their companionable silence with a jolt, causing them both to lift their heads and look at each other inquiringly.  As it continued to ring, Carol got to her feet.  “I’ll get it, darling,” she offered graciously.

 

     Picking up the handset, she said, “Hello?”  She was startled to hear Rindy’s young voice come across the line as she shouted, “Mommy!  Mommy!  Mommy!  Guess what?  You’ll never guess what, not in a hundred zillion years!  So guess what?”

 

     Laughing with delight, Carol replied, “Oh my, darling!  You’re so excited!  I’ve never heard you so excited!  How many guesses do I get?”  Interested in what she was overhearing, Therese came to stand near Carol, looking on inquiringly.  “Just one?  Oh, Rindy, that makes it hard for mommy!”

 

     “Okay then I’ll just tell you!  I got a turtle, mommy!” the child shouted with glee.  “I got a new turtle!  His name is Oscar and he has a tank and daddy put water and rocks in so he can rest for a while and I can’t wait for you and Therese to meet him!  When can you meet him?”

 

     Carol was so astonished she was speechless for a few moments.  “Rindy, honey, did you say _turtle?_ A real turtle, not a stuffed one like Pierre?” she asked doubtfully, mentioning the child’s favorite stuffed animal.  “Mom-my,” Rindy intoned disapprovingly, “Pierre’s real, he just can’t move!  But Oscar can move, mommy!  And he’s just so cute and he swims so great.  You have to see him swim!”

 

     Carol was still stunned, so much so that Therese had to poke her in the side so she responded.  Rindy was talking so loudly the younger woman could clearly hear her and couldn’t take the smile from her beautiful face.

 

     “Oh, yes, yes, sweetheart, I can’t wait to see him swim!  And to meet him!  Therese will be all excited, too.”

 

     “Oh, good, good, good!  I can’t wait!  Okay, I have to go see Oscar and daddy wants to talk to you.  Bye, mommy!”  And Rindy could clearly be heard handing the phone off and scampering away.  Carol was completely unprepared to hear Harge’s deep voice come on the line.  “Carol?”

 

     “Yes--Harge.  Hello.  This is a surprise.  Forgive me if I sound shocked but I am,” she replied, uncertain now, her guard immediately going up.  Sensing this, Therese came closer and took her hand, both of them sitting at the kitchen table now.  Carol smiled at her, grateful despite her distraction.

 

     “Yes. I’m sorry, Carol.  I needed to speak with you, and Rindy hasn’t let up about wanting to tell you about the turtle.  But I don’t want to intrude, either.  Shall I call you back at a more convenient time?”  She’d known him long enough to hear that he, too, was feeling a bit uncertain.  She found this both surprising and satisfying.

 

     “No.  No, this is fine.  We’re just relaxing.”  She paused for a moment before asking, “Rindy has a turtle?  Why?”

 

     She heard him sigh.  “She hasn’t stopped talking about creeking, and the turtles she found with you and Therese.  She tells Pierre about them every night, and keeps asking me when I can take her back to the creek to see the turtles.  Obviously, that’s not exactly easy to do, especially with my schedule.  So I found an exotic pet store and got her one,”  he explained, a pleased note in his voice.  “I just have to find the time to get a book from the library so I know how to take care of the thing, and I really haven’t been able to get there.”

 

     “She’s obviously over the moon!”  Carol replied, smiling slightly at her short but potent conversation with their daughter.

 

     “Yes!  It’s hard to calm her down.”  He commented, and she could hear the smile in his voice.  Then he paused.  “I don’t want to keep you long but I needed to ask you something.  I’ve got to have surgery.  It’s nothing too serious…throat and sinuses, but I’m not thinking I’ll be feeling that well for a week or so.  My mom will be able to stay with Rindy for a good part of the time but then she and my dad are leaving on vacation.  So I was wondering…if you might be interested in having Rindy with you if you happen to be around?  I know you work, too, but she asks about when she might be able to see you again.  I thought I would at least ask.”

 

     Shocked as she was, Carol didn’t need to think.  She would have Rindy, of course.  She’d rearrange whatever she needed to with work.  But Harge…something was changing for him to consider this.  She knew him to be quite self-centered, and he needed help.  But still, for him to ask this of her, knowing Therese was here to stay…it felt like he was having a change of heart.  Maybe. But she still didn’t trust him a bit.

 

     “I’m sorry to hear about your surgery, Harge,”  she responded, somewhat robotically but as politely as she might have been taught in finishing school.  Next to her, Therese’s eyes widened in question, and she placed her hand on Carol’s shoulder and began stroking it with a soothing touch.  “I’ll check with Therese, but I’m sure she’d love to have Rindy as much as I would,”  she said while looking at the younger woman, who smiled reassuringly and nodded.  “Let’s just talk about dates.  And of course, she must bring the turtle…”

 

 

 

 

                                              __________________________________________________

 

 

     Therese had been thinking about Alicia all day.  She’d not had the chance to call, what with time spent with Carol, the work she’d needed to finish, and then Carol’s call with Harge, after which the two of them had sat and talked about their feelings about him and the anticipated joy of having Rindy around for several days.

 

     But now, with an after dinner whiskey in her hands, she was overwhelmed with a sense of Alicia’s presence and an inner knowing they needed to connect.  As she dialed the phone, a warmth filled her, a powerful warmth that made Therese’s fingertips tingle and goosebumps wash over her skin like a cool, refreshing ocean wave.

 

     “Alicia?” she said upon hearing the nun answer her phone.

 

     “Therese!  Oh, darling girl, I’m so glad to hear your voice!  I’ve been thinking of you today!” Alicia answered enthusiastically.

 

     Therese felt an immediate softening, as if her heart itself was smiling.  “Me too, Alicia.  I don’t know why but I’ve had the strongest sense of you all day long.”  She closed her eyes as she took a relaxed breath.  “It’s heavenly to hear your voice!  How are you?  Have you enjoyed the weekend?”

 

     “I’m good, and I had a wonderful weekend, darling.  Today was hard, but Sr. Catherine Ann dropped me at McGinnis Park in the city so I could have time alone to pray and be outside.  It was hotter than Hades but just what I needed!  I thought of you because I took off my sandals and waded into the creek, and I have a feeling that’s exactly where you’d have been if you were with me.”  The smile of remembrance and tenderness was obvious in Alicia’s voice.

 

     Therese chuckled lightly.  “In the creek?  In your tunic and habit and everything?”

 

     “Of course!  I couldn’t exactly strip down to my knickers, you know!  Someone would have surely called the police,” she joked.  “But it was so wonderful…the cool water, the clear pools, the sound of the water going over the rocks.  That sound…it’s that sound…it’s mesmerizing, and so healing for me.”  The nun’s voice was almost a whisper, and Therese could ascertain a kind of reverence, as if Sr. Alicia had just entered a hallowed cathedral and was making the sign of the cross.  “I needed it today, dear one.  August 18th.  It’s the date on which I was raped,”  she whispered.

 

     Therese was silent at first, suddenly hearing the blood rush to her ears and the pounding of her heartbeat.  “Oh, Alicia, I’m so sorry.  I wish I would have known, I would have called sooner, or come to be with you…” she stated with compassion evident in her voice.  “Did you—I mean, are you okay?  Can you be okay on this date?  Do you need anything?”  She felt a piercing sorrow, and wanted to run immediately to Alicia and hug her.

 

     Alicia was silent for a moment as she gathered her thoughts.  “It was an up and down day, Therese.  But I talked to the Lord all day long…I wasn’t alone, truly.  Sometimes I can almost physically sense the Spirit wrap around me like a cloak, and I did today…”  Her voice trailed off as her thoughts went to the young woman she’d met, and that lovely little boy, Thomas.  “I met a young woman at the park,” she continued, and her voice was hushed now so that Therese almost had to strain to hear her.  “Mary Ella.  She was absolutely lovely.  There was some bruising, dear one…on her face…she didn’t have to say a word and I just knew.  It had happened to her, too.”

 

     On the other end of the line, Therese was silent.  She had nothing to say and yet felt like her heart was at one with Alicia’s, as if they were sitting on the bank of the creek together, the cool water washing over their bare feet and taking with it any distance between them.

 

     “The Lord is so good to me,” the nun said in a voice hushed with gratitude.  “Truly.  Meeting Mary Ella was exactly what I needed.  I never…I didn’t ask any questions, you know.  I was just _there_ with her, and I felt the Spirit with us, too.  I could be with her in her pain somehow…I understood without saying.”  She laughed lightly, unexpectedly.  “Her little boy reminded me of you, darling!  So happy to be in the creek!  We all were…even Mary Ella.  It was soothing…healing, I think.  It just felt like this little miracle had occurred, and I still can’t say what it was.  Everything is a mystery anymore.”  She stopped, awe in her voice, knowing she had no words for the wordless.  _Deo gracias,_ her heart whispered silently.

 

     “And now, enough!  Enough about me, darling…tell me about you and that dear Carol of yours!  When will we get to see each other again?”  There was pleasure in her voice, like a goblet tipping over and pouring out the finest of wines.

 

     It took Therese a moment to respond, for she was holding Alicia’s experience in her heart and feeling its reverberations.  But then she smiled, sharing Alicia’s anticipation of being together again.  “Well, that’s one of the reasons I’m calling!  We both want to see you again, too!  And we were wondering…would you like to meet Rindy?”

 

     Sr. Alicia practically erupted.  “Would I like to meet Rindy?  When, my dear, when?”

 

 

  1. 22



 

 

     “Oh, god, Carol, oh, oh….ahh…”  Therese’s voice faltered as the spasms overtook her, thundering through her body with such intensity she bit her thumb to keep from screaming.  She continued quivering as Carol did everything she could with her magical fingers to prolong the orgasm, until finally she collapsed on  her chest.

 

     “ _Jesus, Carol,”_ the younger woman gasped into her lover’s shoulder.  “Oh my god.  What you do to me!  _What you do to me_ …”  And then, as was typical, Therese felt tears well up and begin pouring down her face.  Embarrassed, she attempted to hide this from Carol, but the older woman could feel her wiry young body shaking as the feelings overwhelmed her. 

 

     “Oh, I hate this!” Therese cried, unable to control the intensity of the emotion she felt.  “Why do I do this?  I’m so weird!  Who cries after making love?”  She wiped her face in Carol’s chest, snot and all, making the older woman smile with amusement.  “Geez, Carol!  I even cry after we fuck!  What is it with me?” she asked, her frustration easily evident.

 

     Hearing the self-criticism pour out of Therese, Carol took action, flipping her adroitly, gracefully, so that they lay side by side and she could look into her eyes.  “Hey…hey, honey…what’s this?  It’s okay!  It’s okay...how you feel is completely okay!  I don’t mind the tears,” she said, her gentle hand pushing  the damp brunette hair from the emerald eyes, so dark now with arousal and night.

“Are you sure?  You’re not disappointed in me?”  Therese’s eyes reflected her inner conflicts, whatever they were.

 

     “Therese,”  Carol began and then stopped, unable to resist the swollen, inviting lips just inches away from her own.  She leaned over, touching tentatively, brushing her own lips back and forth in a caress intended to comfort and reassure.  That it also aroused was not her intention but the two women burned like a wildfire tonight, scorching its way down the very slopes of body and soul.  Eventually, she pulled back, and both of them were breathless.  “Therese,” she whispered, her face buried in the damp skin of the young woman’s fragrant, soft neck,  “I want you to be exactly where you are…to feel what you feel…This is _real,_ sweetheart!  It’s you, just as you are, and you couldn’t be more beautiful to me.  I don’t need you to fuck like a machine, okay?  Harge did plenty of that, and it only left me cold and alone.”  She stopped to rain light kisses over the young woman’s forehead, cheeks, eyes, and the warm, sweet skin behind her ear, her legs moving to intertwine with her lover’s. “Darling, I’ve had more than my share of fucking without feeling.  You can bring me everything…” She was getting breathless again, her loins aching.  _How is it possible to want_ _someone so much?  To love so deeply?_

“You don’t find me too complicated if I cry? It doesn’t make me a burden?”  Therese hated that she needed to ask.  She just knew she had gone the majority of her life not fitting in and she wanted to fit in sexually. She didn’t want to be Carol’s anomaly.  It sounded to her like the title to a really bad movie: _Carol’s Anomaly._

“No, you’re not complicated if you cry after we have sex, darling.  You’re just you, and I’ll always try to accept who you are.  I may not always do such a good job but I promise I’ll try to understand where you’re coming from, okay?”  When Therese nodded, Carol kissed the tip of her nose, and then shifted them again, this time laying on her back and pulling Therese into the crook of her shoulder, settling them with a hand on her back caressing in soft, soothing strokes.  Carol kissed her forehead and the top of her head, loving her scent, the warmth emanating from her scalp, the silky feel of the brunette hair upon her lips.  “You feel so good in my arms, sweetheart,” she whispered.  “You’re not the only one who wants to cry.”

 

     Therese picked her head up immediately, searching Carol’s eyes that shone silver-blue, like brilliant, glimmering topaz in the darkening bedroom.  “Are you okay?” Her hand came up to the older woman’s face, her touch tender.

 

     “Mmm-hmm.  Yes, sweetheart.  I’m fine.  I just get overwhelmed, too.  I can’t always verbalize things as easily as you, though.  Family upbringing, I suppose.  We were taught to always be in control, especially emotionally, though no one put that into words.  But I certainly learned from observation, and from being ignored…” Her voice trailed away as the thoughts spilled across her inner landscape, painting a picture of emotional loneliness and isolation.  Pulling Therese’s head back to her chest, she tightened her arms in a way that comforted them both.  “This is new territory for both of us, I think.  Not only have I never had a lover who cries like you do, I’ve never made love and then had intimate talks.”  She took and then released a deep breath.  “We’re finding our way together…we can help each other, okay?”

 

     The younger woman nodded, saying, “I _want_ to help you too, Carol.  I _want_ to be with you in this, wherever you are.  Neither of us has to be alone!  I think that’s beautiful, don’t you?”

 

     Carol smiled and could almost feel her heart turn over as if bathing itself in the glow of their warm, inviting love.  Tightening her arms again, she whispered, “ _Blessings!_ I think of them all the time now!”

 

     “Mmm-hmm.  Me, too, Carol.And speaking of which, are you sure you’re okay with spending the weekend at Elaine’s?  Neither of us really know her, but Alicia will be there, and I can only guess Rindy will have a blast at the beach, in the ocean…”

 

     The older woman readily agreed.  “Rindy will think she’s away at an exotic vacation resort!” she replied with a clear note of pleasure in her voice.  “And spending a few days with Alicia sounds wonderful.  I know we barely know Elaine but she was so kind and warm when we met her, don’t you think?”  She felt Therese nod against her breast.  “It’s so gracious of her to have us all there…so yes, I really want to go, darling.”  She laughed lightly, hugging the younger woman securely.  “Life with you is nothing if not an adventure!”

 

     Suddenly, Therese pulled herself up and swung her lithe body over, placing a hand on either side of Carol’s shoulders and moving a knee between her thighs.  Her eyes had a fierce, wild look in them that made Carol’s chest tighten, her own eyes darkening with desire.  The younger woman brought her lips down to the corner of Carol’s mouth, her tongue coming out in a light, teasing, butterfly kiss.

 

     “Carol,” she breathed,  arousal overtaking her so that a hot flush began to seep across her face, neck, and shoulders.  Her hand crept up to take Carol’s breast, fingers finding a nipple unerringly and pinching.  “Oh god, Therese…” When Therese’s mouth found that same nipple, her tongue swirling around the hardened nub before she began to suck, Carol moaned.  When a knee found her groin, she moaned again.  And when the younger woman lay on top of her, aligning their mounds and beginning a sensuous grind, she gasped, feeling the heat overtaking her as it had all night.  “Therese…darling,” she whispered, catching her breath.

 

     Therese paused momentarily, and Carol could have sworn she saw a flash of wicked playfulness on her face just before she brought their lips together.  “Let’s have another adventure then,” she whispered, as their erotic dance flamed into the night.

 

 

 

  1. 23



 

 

     “Alicia?  Hi, it’s Carol Aird calling.”

 

     “Carol!” exclaimed Sr. Alicia.  “How absolutely lovely to hear from you!  And to know we’ll be seeing each other in just one short week!”

 

     There was a smile in Carol’s voice.  “Oh, I know, Alicia.  Therese and I are so looking forward to it, and Rindy is over the moon with excitement!  She thinks she’s going to a far-off resort or something!  For Elaine to have us all…it’s just so kind of her, really…”

 

     “Elaine is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, Carol.  She will be overjoyed to have all of us, I’m sure.  And I think both of us are dying to meet Rindy!  Having a child around somehow just makes me anticipate laughter and joy.”  She paused to collect her thoughts.  “I spent my whole life taking care of sad children.  To be with one whose parents love her will be a real treat!”

 

     There was an impact to hearing those words that seemed to have a profound effect on Carol.  Almost with surprise, and yet paradoxically with certainty, she said, “We do love Rindy, Alicia.  Harge and I do love her!”

 

     Alicia’s voice was quietly reassuring.  “I never had a moment’s doubt about that, dear.  Never a moment!  Now, tell me why you’re calling.  Did you receive Elaine’s directions in the mail? Is everything okay, and things will go as planned?”

 

     “Oh, yes, yes!  I received the directions and none of it seems too complicated.  We should be able to get to Elaine’s late Friday just as we’ve discussed.  I’m not anticipating any issues at all, barring unforeseen complications with Harge’s surgery.  But it all sounds simple and uncomplicated…”  She paused, a note of uncertainty having crept into her voice that Alicia picked up on immediately.

 

     “But?”  the nun asked gently.  “I hear a ‘but’ there, Carol.”

 

     Carol laughed lightly.  “Therese has told me how perceptive you are!  Swami Alicia, who spouts wise sayings and reads minds!”

 

     “Oh, please!” the nun deferred.  “Don’t give me too much of either super power!  I’m sure to let you down if you do,” she responded with some diffidence.  “I’m really just a human being like all the rest, with plenty of my own issues,” she said softly.  “But please, tell me what’s on your mind, dear.”

 

     Carol took a deep breath before replying, “Well, it’s something rather strange.  Something I’ve never really had happen to me before and I wanted your thoughts.  A couple weeks ago I had these words pop into my head as if out of nowhere…I think they’re biblical, but I’ve never read the bible and I can’t be sure.  And they don’t go away, Alicia!  I keep hearing them at odd times, or maybe the times aren’t so odd.  I don’t know.  My gut tells me I should look them up though, and I don’t know where to start or even what to do with the words.”

 

     Alicia nodded to herself from her desk, two hours north of Carol and yet at the moment feeling very close at heart.  “Okay, so tell me about them.  I’ll see if I can help you.  I have to tell you I’m not a biblical scholar, either.  But I may recognize it if it’s a verse you’re speaking of.”

 

     “Yes, well, I keep hearing…’I place before you life or death, blessings or curses.  Choose life.’  Does that…does that sound familiar?”  Carol asked.

 

     On the other end of the telephone line, Alicia felt a strange sensation, as if a light had been shone behind her eyeballs and was illuminating her mind.  “Oh, my…Carol!” she all but whispered.  “Yes, I do recognize this, and it _is_ a bible verse!  One of my favorites, really…one I also ‘heard’ or was given at a certain point in my journey.  It’s from the Old Testament, Deuteronomy 30:19.”

 

     “What does ‘thirty nineteen mean’?” Carol asked, jotting down the numbers in question.

 

     “I’ve given you a book of the bible, a chapter, and a verse.  That’s not quite the end of the verse, though.  Would you like me to tell you the entire thing?”  Alicia asked helpfully, graciously.

 

     “Yes, by all means!” Carol exclaimed softly.

 

     “I place before you life and death, blessings or curses.  Choose life, that your children may have life,” the nun offered solemnly, with respect to the sacred text.

 

     Now it was Carol’s turn to be quieted and to feel chills.  “Oh, my…” she murmured.  “That’s so powerful…about your children, I mean.  About my child, my choices…”  Her voice faded momentarily.  “But what if I don’t even particularly believe in the bible, Alicia?  I don’t consider myself a Christian.  I’m not even sure I believe there’s a God, really…”

 

     Alicia took a sip of her now tepid tea before she answered.  “Carol, it doesn’t have to be so black-and-white, you know dear. It doesn’t have to be either you believe in the bible or you don’t, or it’s all wisdom or all nonsense.  There’s room for gray areas, and it’s possible that two things can be true.  You may never believe in God, and yet this verse can still come to mean a great deal to you, can be a great teacher in your life…”

 

     “But I don’t even now why I heard it!  I’ve felt rather crazy for a few weeks because it just doesn’t go away, it keeps returning…” Carol replied somewhat helplessly.

 

     “My dear, I want to tell you something that took me many, many years to be at peace with.  You see,” she said, sipping her tea again, “we don’t necessarily have to know all the ‘why’s’ all the time.  We really don’t, although we think we do!  It’s human nature, though,…we want to be in control! But I think it’s perfectly possible for this bible verse to be meaningful in your life if you let it speak to your heart, dear, whether you understand why it came to you in the first place or not. And you certainly don’t even have to believe in God for that to happen.”

 

     Carol responded somewhat doubtfully, “I’m not so sure, Alicia…”

 

     Alicia laughed lightly, playfully.  “Darling Carol, you can just trust me on this one then!  I’m a lot older than you and I’ve been on a faith journey for a very long time.”  She paused.  “Would it surprise you if I told you that I’ve been guided by Christian mystics, scientists, authors, Jews, Muslims, Hindu sages, poets, naturalists…saints and sinners…let’s see…atheists and agnostics…and most profoundly Jesus, Mary, and St. Francis?”  She paused again, a revelation just coming to her.  “And you know, for some reason I don’t think I realized just until this moment that the greatest spiritual teachers I’ve ever known were the children I worked with over the years. _HA_!”  She laughed at herself.  “So much for me being such a swami!  Oh, there’s always so much to learn!” 

 

     “So what do I do?” Carol asked, thinking Alicia sounded almost gleeful.

 

     “Hmm…stay open, Carol!  Stay alive!  Look around you!  _Really look!_ Listen!  Be alive in the moment, because every moment can be a teacher in some way.  Spend some time looking inward, dear.  Spend some time discerning.  I think that’s what you’ve been doing with this verse already, right?  For some reason it was given to you, and I don’t think it matters by whom.  Just say thanks and accept it!  Pretend it’s rain and you’re a parched forest.  Let it come down on all your dry places.  Let it soak down deep into your roots, let it feed you!  And just keep listening!”

 

     Carol was silently amazed, and then she chuckled.  “Alicia, I’m so glad I’ve met you!  You’re so wise, so giving!  You really are a swami. Therese is right!”

 

     “Oh, my darlings, I’m not…I’m just a woman, no different than you…But thanks for the ego boost.  I’m going to call you next time I’m feeling down on myself!”  She was still laughing as they said their goodbyes, excitedly looking forward to their Labor Day weekend gathering.

 

 

 

 

                                          _________________________________________________

 

 

     That evening, Therese kept eyeing Carol surreptitiously, trying to figure out what was different about her.  Always beautiful, always lovely, tonight she seemed to glow as if lit from within, her blue eyes shimmering with silver specks, her physical countenance softer, almost as if Therese was seeing her through gauzy lace curtains, or in the gentle light of early morning.

 

     Feeling the younger woman’s eyes on her, Carol looked up from the corner of the bedroom where she was removing her clothing, folding it neatly and placing it on a chair.  Pulling her nightgown over her head, she commented in a muffled voice, “You know, you’ve been stealing glances at me all evening, darling.  Were you expecting someone different to walk through the door after work?”

 

     Sitting up in bed, propped against a few pillows with her book forgotten on her lap, Therese replied, “I—no, Carol!  Of course not!  But you’re—something’s just a little different about you tonight.  I can’t put my finger on it.  You’re brighter, softer.  More emotionally approachable, or something…”

 

     Having already washed her face and brushed her teeth, Carol climbed into bed, purposefully coming close to Therese and taking her book from her lap.  The older woman tugged at the pillows propping her girlfriend up, lowering them and then encouraging Therese to lay down beside her.  Entwining their legs, she kissed her forehead, breathing deeply the scent of her freshly washed face, the fragrance of her shampoo still lingering from the morning.  “Are you trying to tell me I’m usually cold and heartless?”

 

     Appalled, Therese punched Carol lightly in the bicep.  “Carol, I never…Don’t even say such a thing!  Not even if you’re kidding!  You’re never, _ever_ cold and heartless!  Ever!”  Carol thought she looked adorable with her brows knitted together stormily, a dead serious look on her face.  “You’re just…lighter somehow!  I don’t know how to describe it.  Lighter, softer, like you swallowed a few Christmas tree bulbs and they’re shining out of your eyes!”

 

     Her companion burst out laughing.  “Oh my, Therese, that’s quite a description!”  She laughed again, delighted with this young woman, being here with her, loving her, growing with her.  Placing kisses along her hairline, she whispered, “I just feel… _joy._ That’s what it is, darling.  It’s joy, and it’s not caused by Rindy, or you, or my work day being good.  It’s just the joy of being alive and feeling like there are doors opening inside me, doors that lead to good things.”  She stopped for a moment, pulling away so she could look into Therese’s eyes.  “I think I’m just finding more of myself, sweetheart.  It’s probably because being with you, living in our relationship is so much more of my truth.  It’s an authentic life for me.  I’m not with Harge, pretending to be someone I’m not.  That makes me feel _free_!  Joyful, authentic, and _free!_ Even if out there,” she said, motioning her head toward the windows,  “even if out there few people allow me these freedoms.  In here,” she whispered, tapping lightly over her heart, “I’m giving it to myself.  And that’s probably more important than having it granted by anyone else, even you.”

 

     Therese looked at her, a warm and loving glow in her eyes.  “I think you’re right! And I’m so happy for you!  Happy you chose this, happy you chose me, happy you’re choosing you most of all!”  She smiled, her dimples breaking out like quotation marks around her joy.  Then she leaned in, kissing Carol lightly on the lips.  “I love you, ” she whispered softly.  “I love you so much.”  She kissed her again, more deeply this time, trying to convey the great warmth seeping into the very marrow of her bones, the depths from which she loved her.

 

     Carol put her forehead against Therese’s, a tender smile playing about her lips.  “I love you too, darling.  Sometimes words just don’t seem to express how much…”  Her nose found its way to the sweetly scented alcove behind her lover’s ear, inhaling, leaving a kiss, and then another, and Carol could feel the intoxication beginning, the longing to make love with Therese, the deep feeling and sharp arousal.  “Therese…sweetheart…” she breathed, moving now, gracefully pulling herself on top of the younger woman’s body with her intentions clear and desire singing in her veins.  “Is this okay?” she asked, bringing her lips to the soft skin of Therese’s cheeks, separating her slender legs and settling herself upon her.

 

     With her head thrown back and a sheen of perspiration already breaking out upon her skin, the younger woman gasped, “Yes!  Please…”  Carol groaned as she reached for the hem of Therese’s pajama top, pulling it up and over her head without bothering to unbutton it.  She dispensed with the bottoms next, and then sat up so she could pull her own nightgown off, desperate to feel skin on skin.  Looking up at at her lover, Therese felt the air being sucked out of her lungs, breathless at the sight of this beautiful blond woman, blue eyes dark with passion, color high on her cheeks, lips moist and inviting, creamy shoulders and full breasts.  “God, Carol…” her voice trailed away, no words coming to her, overwhelmed with passion and love.

 

     A fire burned within the older woman, scaring her with its intensity.  “Therese,” she whispered as she brought their naked bodies together, “I can’t…I just need to love you!”  She shivered despite the heat that had flared between them.  “I’ve never felt this way.  Ever!”  Her voice was hoarse as she rained kisses over the younger woman’s face, neck, and shoulders before claiming her lips with an urgency returned in the fullest.  Therese ran her fingers through the soft blond tresses, loving the velvety feel.  When Carol took a nipple in her mouth, the younger woman clasped her head close to her and loved the feel of solid bone, too, memorizing shape and curvature with her fingertips as if tracing a Michelangean sculpture, before catching her breath as pleasure shot through her.

 

     Carol felt consumed with the desire to worship and love the body beneath her, to give, to pleasure, to joyfully express this deep love that stirred in places for which she had no words.  _This is making love._ The thought floated through her consciousness in gossamer strands and then away as if carried by a gentle breeze.  And as she kissed her way down Therese’s silky skin, over rib and hip and stomach and mound to finally reach her beloved center, she thought perhaps now she understood the word, _sacred._   The feel of her, dewy and  fresh, the taste of her so musky and mysterious.  The sound of her cries, her gasps, her sighs.  _Sacred._ Her lithe body trembling with spasms as Carol held her close.  _Sacred._   Those emerald eyes, narrowed with passion and arousal as she gazed down at Therese, sliding her own wetness against a smooth thigh and moving in a sensuous dance, her eyes raised toward the heavens.  _Sacred._ Her own release, her cries of equisite bliss.  _Sacred._ The precious _after_ , breathless and sweaty and liberating, holding each other with the tenderness, the wordless amazement reserved for an infant _.  Sacred._

“Therese,”  she whispered, and then stopped, at a loss for words.

 

     “Shh,”  Therese replied, her own voice hushed.  “Just hold me, love.  There’s no need for words.”

 

 

 

 

                                            _______________________________________________

 

 

     On Friday morning, as Carol and Therese dressed for work, the phone rang.  It was very early,  unusually so, and they looked at each other, alarm and concern reflected in the face of the other. Rising to her feet from where she’d been in the midst of applying her makeup at her vanity table, Carol hurried to the bedside and grabbed the phone.

 

     “Hello?” she answered with trepidation.

 

     “Mommy, when will you and Therese be here?” Rindy’s voice sang out across the lines, young, excited, and impatient.

 

     Carol breathed a sigh of relief, and then smiled with amusement.  “Rindy, darling, it’s awful early!”

 

     “That’s what daddy said!  But he also said I’ve been up since the…the…” Rindy faltered, and then Carol heard Harge’s weary, scratchy voice intone, “ _crack of dawn,_ sweetheart,” in the background, followed by their daughter’s enthusiastic, “what daddy says, mommy!  I’ve been up since then and now I should call you.”

 

     “Oh well, baby!  The crack of dawn! That’s awful early!” Carol replied, swallowing her laughter, but not without feeling sympathy for the post-surgical Harge.  “So it’s not too much longer, okay?  Mommy and Therese will work for a little while, and then as soon as you wake up from your nap grandma will bring you over, okay?”

 

     “And then we go to the beach, right mommy?  To swim in the ocean?” the little girl asked, her rapid speech a certain reflection of her excited anticipation.

 

     “Yes, darling, yes!  To swim in the ocean!  But now mommy needs to finish getting ready for work, and you need to let daddy rest so he is all better soon, okay?”

 

     “Okay, mommy.  I can’t wait!  Bye!” 

 

     Having overheard at least one end of the conversation, Therese looked at Carol with raised eyebrows.  “The crack of dawn?” she asked, with a nervous but joyful smile.

 

     Carol shook her head, returning the smile.  “The crack of dawn!”

 

 

 

 

  1. 24 PART ONE



 

 

     Rindy awoke Saturday morning with a sense that she was in a strange place.  She certainly wasn’t in her room at daddy’s, nor was this mommy and Therese’s apartment because this wasn’t her bed in her pale pink room.  Looking around she saw bookshelves that went from floor to ceiling and more books than she’d ever seen in a house and not the library.  It was a happy looking room, with pale blue walls and flowery curtains that billowed in the breeze, and carpeting the same color as mommy’s coffee with cream.  There was a desk with a lamp and chair, and a small table next to the bed with another lamp and pictures of two ladies she didn’t know.  As well, more candles than she had ever seen, much bigger than birthday candles and of all different sizes and colors.

 

     Sliding out of bed, the child grabbed her green stuffed turtle, Pierre, by a leg, and went in search of the bathroom.  Happily, there was one right outside her door, which she used quickly before venturing out to find her mom.  Walking down a quiet hallway, she saw a light ahead of her, and went forward with curiousity, hoping she would find mommy and Therese having their coffee together.  Instead, she entered a rather large room with big windows and comfy looking sofas and chairs.  On one of them sat an older woman in a pink robe, with a book on her lap and a candle lit on the table in front of her.  She wished it was mommy, but since it wasn’t, Rindy came forward and asked, “Do you know where my mommy is?”

 

     The woman opened her eyes, which were very blue, and smiled warmly.  Then she quietly answered, “Your mommy is still sleeping, dear.  Would you like me to take you to her bedroom?”

 

     Rindy nodded, and then said, “Who are you?”

 

     Sr. Alicia smiled again, putting her thick book aside and making eye contact.  “My name is Alicia.  I’m a friend of Therese’s.  You must be Rindy, right?”

 

     “Yes,” RIndy answered, looking at the nun with open curiosity.  She took a few steps closer.  “What are you doing?”

 

     “Oh, just sitting quietly and praying,” Sr. Alicia replied, tilting her head to the side and returning the child’s interested gaze.  “Would you like to join me?”

 

     Rindy took a few more steps closer to the sofa, clearly uncertain.  “Does my mommy know you?”

 

     “Yes, yes she does.  We’ve met a few times already.  Who have you got there?”  The nun asked with a nod toward the stuffed animal.  RIndy swung Pierre across her small body and onto the sofa.  “This is Pierre.”  Alicia’s eyebrows rose.  “Pierre?  My, that’s a pretty and unusual name.  How did you pick it?”

Rindy now moved to join Alicia, sitting in the corner of the sofa with her bare feet out straight in front of her, pulling the turtle onto her lap. “I heard it in a story daddy read to me one night.  He says it’s French.”  The nun nodded and smiled.  “Well, your daddy is exactly right!  Pierre does have a French name.  It’s so pretty, too.”

 

     Rindy was distracted, looking at the candle.  “Why is that candle running?”

 

     “I like to light a candle when I pray, Rindy.  It helps me remember special people and special blessings to say thank you for.”

 

     The child sighed.  “I don’t really pray with mommy and daddy. But my friend Elizabeth prays.  One time I slept at her house and prayed with her.  We said, ‘God bless mommy and daddy and everyone else, too.’  Is that what you say?”

 

     “Sometimes, yes!  And sometimes I just say thank you to God,” Sr. Alicia answered. 

 

     But Rindy was distracted again.  “Why am I at this place?” she asked, her intelligent blue eyes taking in the living room, brightening now as the full light of morning drew near.  “And who are those ladies?” she asked again, pointing to the picture on the coffee table of Elaine and Maggie.

 

     Alicia smiled, remembering the easy distractability and rapid-fire questions of most four year-olds.  “Well, let’s see.  You came here with your mommy and Therese so we could all have a fun weekend together, but you were sound asleep when you arrived last night.  And the lady with the dark hair is my sister, Maggie, and the other one is Elaine.  This is her house we’re in.”

    

     “Do they sleep together like mommy and Therese?”

 

     “They did, darling.  Just like your mommy and Therese.  But Maggie got sick and died, so now Elaine sleeps by herself,” Alicia answered honestly, a note of sadness evident in her voice.

 

     Rindy’s blue eyes looked huge in her small face, her cheeks pink and framed by golden curls which lay now rather haphazardly on her head.  With her little, bare feet sticking out of her pink pajama bottoms and  an undeniable air of innocence, Alicia thought she looked fittingly cherubic.  “Is Maggie in heaven now with Elizabeth’s goldfish?” Rindy questioned.

 

     Not expecting the question, Alicia felt a sense of loss again, the sadness of her sister’s death washing over her as it often did at the most inopportune times.  She paused before answering honestly, “Oh yes, I certainly hope so, Rindy!”  Tears came to her eyes and sadness, hope, and longing washed over her heart like one of the waves she could hear bathing the Long Island shore not far outside the windows.

 

     “Oh, you’re sad!”  Rindy noted, as if she were thirty years old and not a child of four.  Then she took the stuffed turtle by a leg and placed him next to her on the couch.  She clasped her hands together on her lap and said, “Let’s pray for Maggie and Elizabeth’s goldfish.”

 

     Sr. Alicia was deeply moved by the child’s simple openness and generosity.  “I’d like that, Rindy!”  The nun folded her own hands on her lap and bowed her head.  “Dear Lord, we pray for Maggie and the goldfish.  May they be happy and peaceful and healed in heaven with you!  And please bless dear Rindy this morning and always.  Amen.”

 

     Rindy smiled then, happiness filling her face, blue eyes shining like twin stars in a clear, gentle sky.  “Guess what?” she asked, the quick change of topic once again amusing Sr. Alicia, yet delighting her as young children usually did.

 

     “Hmm…” the nun pondered, squinting her eyes in a manner that caused Rindy to giggle.  “You turn into a pumpkin at midnight?” she queried jokingly, the inflection in her voice rising hopefully.

 

     Rindy giggled with delight.  “No, that’s silly!  I’ll tell you.  I have a real turtle named Oscar and he’s so cute and the best swimmer!”

 

     Alicia gasped in surprise.  “No, you don’t say!  A real turtle?  I can’t even imagine!”

 

     “Yes, I do!  And he has his own tank and I talk to him every day!”  She stopped, a worried frown creasing her smooth young forehead.  “I hope daddy doesn’t kill him!  He’s ‘posed to babysit him but daddy had a operation.”  She picked up Pierre, squeezing him in her slightly chubby arms.  “Will he kill  Oscar?”

 

     From the doorway, a voice answered, “No, Rindy, your dad won’t kill Oscar.  He promised to take good care of him.  And remember we said you can call to remind him?”  Therese came to the sofa now in a dark blue robe that looked old, frayed, and much loved, her short brunette hair standing up oddly here and there.  Sr. Alicia thought she looked young and child-like herself, and for a few moments the memory of Therese at Rindy’s age filled her mind’s eye, making her smile with gratitude and pleasure.

 

     “Therese!”  Rindy exclaimed excitedly, holding her arms out with anticipation.  Sitting on the edge of the sofa, Therese embraced the child eagerly.  “Good morning, love!  You found Alicia, didn’t you?” 

 

     “Yes,” Rindy answered importantly.  “Alicia prays in the morning.  And her sister, Maggie, died so we prayed for her and Elizabeth’s goldfish in heaven.  And Pierre prayed too.”

 

     Therese hugged the little girl close, loving her soft, sweetly scented hair and the smooth skin of her forehead.  Making eye contact with Alicia, both women smiled tenderly, perhaps both remembering that Alicia had mothered Therese in much the same way the younger woman now was mothering Rindy.  There was a sweetness to the moment, a purity, that made Therese wish she could capture it with her camera and give the picture to Alicia for Christmas.  Instead, she blew her a kiss, love shining brightly in her green eyes.

 

     Pulling back from their embrace, Rindy looked from Therese to Alicia and asked, “Where’s the beach?”  Alicia answered her, pointing to the big windows lining the front wall of the house.  “Go look out that window, Rindy.”  The child slid off the sofa, dragging Pierre with her, and moved quickly to do as Alicia suggested.

 

     “Oh my gosh!  That’s the biggest water I’ve ever seen!  Therese, come look!  Quick!” she exclaimed,  her voice high-pitched with excitement.  The young woman came to the window and peered out over RIndy’s head.  “You’re absolutely right, RIndy!  It _is_ big water!  It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”  The ocean shimmered in the early morning sunshine, sparkling in blues and greens as far as the eye could see.  Here and there, a sailboat skimmed, white sails strung high but so far away they looked like toys.

 

     “Oh, it’s just so, so pretty!  Let’s go!  Is it time to go to the beach yet?  Is mommy awake?  Can I wake her up?”  Rindy could barely contain herself, looking up at Therese impatiently, her cheeks flushed pink with expectation.

 

     “Mommy’s awake now, sweetheart,” came Carol’s reply as she came into the room with a yawn, her eyes barely open, squinting slightly at the light of day.  Therese couldn’t resist an amused smile.  Carol was definitely not a morning person, and some days she seemed to be in a trance state until her coffee reached her bloodstream.  On the other hand, Rindy appeared to awaken as if shot from a cannon straight into the day and fully ablaze with energy.

 

     “Hi, mommy!  Come see the ocean!” she invited, and Carol sauntered over still trying to clear her sleep-befuddled brain.  Therese looked at her partner and laughed lightly, impishly.  “Darling, wake up,” she sang out softly, causing her to receive Carol’s sardonic grin and a chuckle from Sr. Alicia.

 

      But the nun welcomed Carol to the morning kindly.  “Carol, dear, good morning!  How did you sleep?  You look like you could use a cup of coffee.  Shall I go make us a pot?”

 

     The tall blond smiled thankfully at Alicia.  “You’re quite right, I do need my coffee.  But I can certainly make it if I just know where everything is.”  Saying this, she bent her head to kiss her daughter’s soft cheek and run her fingers through her fine, silky blond hair, inhaling her beloved scent which this morning seemed composed of soap, shampoo, car upholstery, and the irresistible, salty sea breeze blowing in through the open window.

 

     “No, no, you enjoy your little one and the ocean view.  It won’t take me but a few minutes,” Alicia replied with kindness, scooting to the edge of the sofa cushion and reaching for her cane.  Seeing her physically struggling, Therese came over and extended a hand.  “Alicia, let me help you up,”  she offered, and then thought better of it.  “On the other hand, you sit!  I’ll go snoop around and see what I can find.”

 

     As Therese turned toward the kitchen, Elaine appeared in an emerald green robe and matching slippers, her beautiful silver-gray hair combed neatly and soft brown eyes reflecting her warm smile.  “Good morning, everyone!  You’re my guests, so I’ll make the coffee!”

 

     Rindy, who had been quietly mesmerized while looking out the window, turned at the sound of a new voice.  She took Elaine in rather timidly, leaning her small blond head into Carol’s hand which was still stroking her hair soothingly.

 

     Carol spoke.  “Rindy, darling, this is Elaine.  This is her house we’re in.  Can you say hello and thanks for having us?” she coached, not breaking physical contact with the little girl.  Rindy smiled shyly, such a change from her typically exhuberant self. Still clutching her stuffed animal, she said, “Hi, Elaine.  Thank you for having us here.  Me and Alicia prayed for Elizabeth’s goldfish and Maggie in heaven.  Are you sad she died?”

 

     Carol’s eyes filled with startled consternation at her daughter’s greeting, but Elaine took it in stride like the schoolteacher she used to be, completely at ease with the child’s openness and touched by her sensitivity.  She came over and crouched in front of Rindy, extending her hand.

 

     “Hi, Rindy.  I’m happy you’re here, honey.  Thanks for praying for my Maggie.  I am sad she died, but not as sad as I used to be.  She was very special to me, maybe like Elizabeth’s goldfish.”

 

     “Was she your most special adult and so you slept in the same bed like mommy and Therese?” Rindy asked with innocent curiosity.  Carol and Therese looked at each other quickly, somewhat mortified at the child’s frankness.  Yet Elaine continued to seem at ease, smiling gently and saying, “Oh yes, Maggie was my most special adult!  And we did sleep in the same bed like mommy and Therese do.”

 

     Rindy eyed her with appreciation, happy Elaine seemed easy to talk to.  “You have so much books.  More than the liberry!” the child noted solemnly.  Elaine smiled as she stood.  “Oh, I know.  Maggie and I both love to read!  Do you have a favorite book?”

 

     Feeling more confident now, Rindy nodded and answered with certainty.  “I like Winnie-the Pooh the best!  So does Pierre,” she said, looking around at all present in the brightening room, its mellow lilac blue walls being set aglow by the warming sun.  “There’s so much ladies here!  I’ve never seen so much ladies!  So when do we go to the beach?”

 

     Carol, Therese, Alicia, and Elaine all laughed, enjoying Rindy immensely already. And then her mother answered, “Well, darling, a few of us need coffee, and I think maybe you should have some juice, and then after we all have breakfast we’ll head to the beach, okay?”

 

     Rindy clapped her hands with glee.  “So hurry up, mommy!  Let’s eat!”

 

 

                                     ________________________________________________

 

     “Okay, I’ll count to three.  One, two, three…smile!”  The camera’s shutter clicked, and then Therese said, “Oh, I just know that’s going to be a beautiful photo!  Thank you!”  She smiled at Carol and Rindy, and the little girl asked, “Now can I go back to making my castle?  Will you help, Therese?”

 

     “Of course, Rindy, I’d love to, right after I put my camera away.”  While the child scampered back down to the shore and her collection of colorful buckets and shovels, Therese smiled at Carol.  She thought the blond woman never looked more lovely than today.  She wore a sleek, cobalt blue, one-piece swimsuit, her slender but shapely arms, hips, and legs displayed to perfection.  A floppy sunhat adorned her head, under which her hair was damp and wind-blown.  But it was Carol’s face that so captured Therese.  She wore not a stitch of makeup and only a light coating of Vaseline to protect her lips.  But nonetheless she seemed to be glowing, as if the sun itself was shining from her eyes that appeared to change color along with the waves lapping the shore behind her, blue one moment, deep grayish blue the next, with the glints of silver that so fascinated Therese.  There was color high on Carol’s cheeks now, the heat, sun, and wind having left their kiss over the several hours they’d been at the shore.

 

     “You’re just staring at me, darling,” Carol noted with amusement.  “Remember you’re going to put your camera away?”  But jolted out of her thoughts, the younger woman shook her head and took the several steps to bring herself near, and rising on tiptoes she placed a soft kiss on Carol’s cheek.  “Do you know I’ve never seen you look more beautiful than you do right now?  And you smell like the ocean!”  She reached up, placing a sweet butterfly kiss on the corner of the taller woman’s lips.

 

     Carol smiled then and put her somewhat sticky, salt-sprayed arms around her young lover.  Taking a deep breath, she kissed her bare shoulder, warmed by the sun anad tasting of salt, the soft skin pleasant to her lips.  “I could say the same thing about you, sweetheart.  You look like a model, even without any makeup and your hair all wet and tangled!”  She paused, and then pulled away so she could make eye contact.  “I think being at the beach agrees with all of us, don’t you?”  She kissed Therese’s cheek lightly, and then hugged her again. 

 

     “Therese, quit huggin’ mommy already!  Please!  I need help!” Rindy shouted from the shore.  Turning simultaneously, the two women laughed, and Therese bent to slip her camera in its case, which was wrapped in a dry beach towel.  “Coming, Rindy…” she yelled back, but not before donning her own sunhat once again.

 

     Carol asked, “Do you want me to come, darling?  I can, or I’ll just go sit and read my book in the shade with Alicia and Elaine.”

 

     “No, go Carol.  Relax for a little while.  I’m going to teach Rindy how to make a drip castle.  Come down in a while to see.”  Therese smiled sweetly before walking away.

 

     Carol sauntered back toward the treeline that created a lovely patch of shade nearer to Elaine’s house, with thick pines and huge oak and chestnut trees towering high above.  There Alicia sat in a lawn chair wearing a light brown skirt and light blue blouse, a large cross suspended around her neck and simple leather sandals on her feet.  Even on sabbatical she still typically wore her habit and tunic at the motherhouse and in public. But Elaine’s house was far away from other people by virtue of the fact that she and Maggie had needed it to be to be able to live in some semblance of peace and without fear of being ostracized.  So here, Alicia felt comfortable in her current dress, and grateful for the cool garments on this very warm day.

 

     Elaine wore a pale pink, sleeveless blouse and blue pedal pushers, exactly the kind of thing to be attired in at the beach if one wasn’t planning to swim. Her arms were browned by summer sun, her feet currently bare and pushed into the sand, which here was scattered with browned pine needles and autumn’s first fallen leaves.  As Carol approached, Elaine asked, “I have a thermos of cold lemonade, Carol.  Would you like a cup?”

 

     Sitting down in a lawn chair, Carol removed her hat before answering, “Oh, yes that would be so lovely!”  She paused, pulling strands of errant blond hair out of her eyes and smiling.  “Elaine, I can’t tell you how thankful I am that you’ve opened your home to us!  This is perfect, just perfect, and the company couldn’t be more lovely,” she said, smiling again before taking a sip of the lemonade.

 

     “Having us all here was Alicia’s idea,” Elaine replied with a nod toward the nun who sat smiling placidly, “but I had a feeling we would all be a good mix.  I knew that when I came out to your place.  You and Therese are so easy to be with, warm and inviting.”  Then she laughed lightly.  “And Rindy, my what a lovely child!  Exhuberant and lively, a real pistol, and yet she settled so nicely in to just sitting on the screened porch and working a puzzle.  And perfectly content on her own, too, talking with Pierre!  She’s an absolute delight, Carol!”

 

     Carol nodded her thanks, her eyes momentarily clouding with a fleeting melancholy, and then replied, “You know, she _is_ , isn’t she?  She is delightful!  Every now and then I’m overwhelmed by that…what a miracle she is.  I just hope Harge and I don’t screw her up…that she doesn’t get caught in the crossfire.”  She shook her head with a frown.  “Sometimes I feel I’m getting past the anger, the rage that I still feel.  And then boom! It comes back with a vengeance.  He hurt Therese and I so badly…”  Her voice faded away.

 

     “And yet he’s acquiescing when Rindy asks to see you, right?” Alicia moved around a bit in her chair, its canvas strapping not exactly comfortable to her arthritic hip.  “Maybe there’s a change happening, Carol dear.  He must see...one can’t hardly deny that you love your daughter tremendously, it’s written all over you, and obviously Rindy loves you, too.  And the child adores Therese, doesn’t she?”

 

     “They kind of seem like big sister and little sister!  It’s so sweet…their connection,”  Elaine interjected pleasantly.

 

     “It definitely is!” Alicia agreed, looking out to the ocean where Therese and Rindy sat together now,  immersed in making their castle. “I would think your ex-husband would be blind not to notice the bond there, too.”  Then she took a deep breath, letting her shoulders fall and closing her eyes momentarily.  “And look, you’re together and you’re here!”  Then the nun smiled, and Carol could see the hopeful certainty in her deep blue eyes.  She reached over and clasped Carol’s hand for a moment, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Darling, you can give me some of this burden.  I can pray about it…and hold all of you in my heart.  I can ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in your interactions, to make His wisdom and counsel known.”

 

     Carol was touched.  “Thank you, Alicia, that means a lot to me.  Maybe you can pray, too, that I can let go of some of the anger.  It troubles me.  I simply don’t want to!  Being angry with him makes me feel powerful.  It’s like a shield of some sort and I feel I need it so he can’t hurt me again.  But there are times I know it weighs _me_ down…it becomes so heavy and I think it steals away the joyful moments I have with Therese now, the times I have with Rindy.”

 

     When Alicia spoke again there was a lifetime of wisdom in her words. The look she gave Carol was piercing, and she needed to reach for Elaine’s hand for support.  “I know this, Carol dear, probably as well as anyone.  There’s a danger to clinging to the past, and especially to anger.  It corrodes and poisons.  It controls us.  If you knew me years ago you’d have seen living proof of this!  I wasn’t pleasant to be around, right Elaine?”

 

     The other woman raised an eyebrow, shaking her head with a pained expression before saying kindly, “Alicia, let’s just say you weren’t always the bundle of joy and forgiveness you are now!  So much has been healed!  It seems miraculous at times!”

 

     The nun squeezed Carol’s hand again, smiling kindly.  “You’ll get there, dear.  The first step is always in at least being open to the idea of releasing an emotion or wound.  That’s all you have to do for now!  Just see if you can be open to release.  Good things can come from that.  Trust me.  And you can trust that I’ll be praying for you most faithfully,” she reassured, the joy once again beginning to brim from her being like radiating starlight, her eyes shining with a compassionate love that moved Carol deeply.

 

      So deeply in conversation were thay that none of the women heard Rindy’s approach until she was standing in front of them, red-faced and breathless, her little feet having churned through the sand as fast as she could make them.  Using all of the restraint she could muster, the child waited until Alicia finished speaking and her mother turned toward her.

 

     “Hi, baby!  Look at you!  All covered with sand and waves!”  Carol reached for her, but Rindy stepped back impatiently and practically shouted, “Mommy!  It’s done!  You have to come and see our drip castle now!  It’s so beautiful and big you won’t _believe_ it and Therese says she’s going to take our picture and you have to take a picture of me and her, too, okay?  Hurry mommy, c’mon!”  And then she turned and ran away shouting, “Therese, Therese!  She’s coming!  Mommy’s coming!”

 

     Before standing up, Carol turned back to Alicia and Elaine and almost whispered, “You know, before I met you, Alicia, I never once considered anything in my life to be a blessing.  It just wasn’t part of my lexicon, it just didn’t enter my consciousness.  And now,” she smiled gently, poignantly, “it’s hard to see my life through any other lens.” 

 

     She stood, and then bent to kiss the nun on the cheek.  _“Thank you.”_   Then Carol kissed Elaine on the cheek.  _“Thank you, too.”_

 

 

                                             ___________________________________________

 

     It was after lunch, which Rindy barely made it through awake.  Alicia and Elaine had both gone to nap also, and Therese and Carol were sitting in comfortable chairs on the screened porch sharing a bottle of chilled white wine.  A delightful cross breeze was making its way through the screens, and both women were thoroughly enjoying this space, with its freshly painted white trim, white wicker furniture and the plump, comfortable seat cushions in an exotic, tropical pattern.

 

     Therese took a deep, relaxing breath and let her head fall back where it rested easily, a drowsy smile on her lips.  Through barely open eyelids she gazed out at the ocean in all its stunning blue-green beauty, lazily following the paths of the sailboats in the distance, and a few power boats motoring through the bay.  She felt content, and happy, and deeply blessed.

 

     Sighing, she spoke in a soft voice.  “Carol?  Are you awake?”

 

     “Of course, darling.  Just closing my eyes so I can better enjoy the sound of the waves.  It’s mesmerizing, isn’t it?  Can you imagine if we lived here?  If we could open our windows every night and fall asleep to this sound?”

 

     Therese laughed lightly, turning her head to look at Carol’s lovely profile and her blond hair spilling out on the cushion behind her.  “Carol, if we lived here… oh my…sun and waves and wind and beauty.  I think our sex life would be even better than it is now!  I wouldn’t be able to stop wanting you,” she commented, a wry yet seductive note in her voice.  “And…I also think we’d lose our jobs because it would be too hard to leave each morning!”

 

     Carol laughed, feeling around for the younger woman’s hand and bringing it to her lips to plant a gentle kiss on her palm.  “I think I agree with you on both points, sweetheart.  But it’s fun to think about…especially the sex part!”  She sighed, opening her eyes, and found the sight of Therese, in an old t-shirt and beige cotton pedal pushers with her bare feet propped on the small table in front of them, absolutely irresistible. “The ocean _is_ seductive, isn’t it?  We’ll have to make sure to plan a vacation to the beach soon, darling.  We’ll go for a week, open all the windows, and make love until we’re too exhausted to move!”

 

     Therese actually felt a clenching in her womb at the older woman’s words.  Reaching over, she slid a hand up and down her smooth thigh, bare and easily accessible under the skirt of her yellow sun dress.  “You are going to turn me into a nymphomaniac, you know!  When can we go?”

 

     At this, Carol burst out laughing, then leaned over and kissed Therese lightly on the tip of her nose.  “It would be my greatest pleasure to turn you into a nymphomaniac, or die trying, sweetheart!”  She hugged her, and then looked into the emerald eyes, a wave of poweful feeling sweeping over her. “Oh, I just love you, darling!” she whispered.

 

     Therese swallowed before replying, feeling the strength of the love between them.  “I love you, too, Carol.”  She brought their lips together, her kiss a gentle caress, then rested her forehead upon Carol’s.  There was a tremulousness to her sigh.  “Is this…is this what it’s like, Carol? Being part of a family, I mean?  Being together in a big house with people you genuinely care about and love, having fun, sharing and feeling connected and telling stories and knowing that nothing in the world could make you ever stop loving them?  Is this what it’s like to have a family?”

 

     Carol’s heart did a somersault at the significance of the question.  She ran her hands smoothly up and down Therese’s slender back, then kissed her forehead and each cheek before bringing her close again.  “I think this is _part_ of what it’s like to have a family, Therese.  Everything you just said is the _very_ _best part_ , and I’m so thankful you have that now!”

 

     Therese nodded and softly murmured, “Oh, Carol, I am, too.  I am, too!”

 

 

  1. 24 Part 2



 

 

     Therese awoke earlier than usual on Sunday morning.  The fresh air, water, and wind of Saturday had sufficiently tired Carol, Alicia, Elaine and herself so that after playing a bit of euchre and drinking wine together, all four women had been ready for sleep by 10:30 or so.  RIndy had barely made it through dinner with her eyes open.  Laying contentedly now, with the windows open and the sound of the waves deepening her sense of almost suspended relaxation, she smiled at the memory of Rindy at the table, her face brushed pink by the day’s sunshine and wind, head nodding forward and almost falling into her plate of pasta on several occasions.  The child had flourished at the beach, in the water, and certainly in the company of the four women.

 

     Turning her head, Therese gazed now at Carol in deep sleep, laying on her side, her blond hair spilling haphazardly about her shoulders.  For what felt like the millionth time, she wished she had her camera, because she would photograph her lover from where she lay behind her and do her best to capture the long, slender, lovely line of her.  As it was she could barely keep from running a hand down those lines, or better yet, her lips.  Carol, she was sure, would make a magnificent sculpture.

 

     Instead, the younger woman carefully slipped out of bed and crept out of their bedroom, anxious to catch her first morning glimpse of the ocean and shoreline.  She used the restroom and then thought to check on Rindy.  Opening her door slightly, she could see the child still sound asleep on her side like her mother was, Pierre clutched against her chest and almost obscuring her face, which looked sweetly peaceful in repose.  Therese felt her heart warm with love for the little girl.  Considering they had only met on a few occasions, she was amazed at the depth of the bond that had formed between the two of them.  It was as if Rindy had been in her life since the child was born, and she couldn’t feel more happy, though she would miss her terribly when she was gone again.  It gave her only the merest glimmer of the loss she knew Carol felt on a daily basis.

 

     Therese made her way into the living room and was surprised to see Alicia there, sitting placidly on the sofa with her eyes closed and a bible on her lap, a candle lit in front of her.  She thought about turning around but the nun must have sensed her movements because she opened her eyes and smiled.  “Therese, dear one, good morning!” she said pleasantly and quietly.

 

     Returning the smile, the younger woman spoke quietly, too, aware of the house’s other sleeping inhabitants.  “Good morning to you!  I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to disturb your prayer time.”

 

     Alicia shook her head.  “You aren’t disturbing me at all, dear.  I’m delighted to see you.  Would you like to sit for a while?” she asked, indicating the empty cushion beside her.  “I don’t mind.  Come, sit.”

 

     “Okay, thank you,” she answered.  Before sitting, Therese came behind Sr. Alicia to hug her, placing her young, smooth cheek against Alicia’s more weathered but very soft one.  She squeezed slightly and rocked gently back and forth, kissing her face and saying, “Sister Momma!  I can’t believe I called you that!  But yet I can, without a doubt!”  Kissing her again, she then sat in the corner of the sofa so she could prop her back up and still see the nun.  After a pause she asked,  “How do you pray, Alicia?  Do you have certain prayers you say every morning?”

 

     Sr. Alicia smiled gently.  “I used to.  But now anymore I love to just sit quietly, light my candle, and listen.  Just to say ‘here I am, Lord, and this time is for you.’ Or sometimes I feel led to pray with a certain book of the bible, or a verse that may keep coming to me.  It’s nothing too complicated,” she said simply.  She cocked her head to the side, peering closely at her companion.  “Do you pray, darling?  Do you believe there’s a God to pray to?”

 

     Therese pursed her lips and closed her deep green eyes momentarily.  “I think I do, Alicia.  I’m almost surprised to hear myself say that.  Maybe not in a Catholic way, you know…with God the father, and Jesus the son, or our brother.  I have a hard time with the family images.  I always have, although they aren’t quite as difficult to imagine as they used to be.  I just…God is different for me.  Like yesterday, down at the shore, being out in nature…it moves me so much.  I always sense God in the magnificence of nature.  It’s what I photograph the most!”  She changed positions on the sofa, her left leg beginning to cramp.  “I’ve always been able to sense your reverence for God, Alicia, even when I was very young.  That’s something I understand.  It’s something I experience as I look out at the ocean.  It’s like, ‘who could make this but God?’  It fills me with awe and reverence, too.  And maybe it makes me quiet, and that’s my prayer.  Do you…do you think?” she asked the nun who had always been her guide, her swami, her mother and mentor.

 

     “Oh yes, dear!  Silence is a beautiful prayer!  Give thanks for those times you are moved to silence.  Trust me, the Spirit is working in your being then, dear one.  Stay open!”  She smiled, almost jubilantly, and certainly joyously, and Therese thought perhaps that joy was contagious because she felt its glow begin to suffuse and warm her.  And then both women were somewhat startled to hear a quiet little voice say, “Hi!”  Turning simultaneously, they saw Rindy standing a short ways away, the stuffed turtle clutched to her chest by her little arms, pink from yesterday’s sun.

 

     “Hi, love!  Good morning!” Therese exclaimed.  Rindy smiled shyly and came immediately to her side,  then climbed into the young woman’s lap without a moment’s hesitation.  Settling herself, she eyed Sr. Alicia and asked, “Who are you praying for this morning?”

 

     Alicia smiled, loving the girl’s openness and curiosity.  “Why you, of course!  And Therese and Carol and Elaine and Maggie, and your daddy of course, that he gets better soon.”  Rindy scrunched up her face with concern.  “Did you remember to pray for Oscar?”

 

     “Actually dear, I didn’t!  Oh, my!  Would you like to pray for him now?”  But Rindy slid off Therese’s lap and scampered away, leaving the two women staring after her in confusion.  She was only gone for seconds, coming back with one of the candles from her bedroom and putting it on the coffee table with a ‘thump.’  She looked at Sr. Alicia and asked, “Can we light this candle for my prayers?” 

 

     Therese was completely surprised at this request and very happy to be sitting where she was.  “I can light your candle, Rindy,” she volunteered.  “Come back up and have a seat.”  The young woman leaned forward, finding a packet of matches on the coffee table and lighting the votive candle encased in a blue glass candle holder.  Turning around she saw Rindy sitting happily with her hands clasped on her lap, Pierre on the couch next to her as if he too, was ready to pray.

 

     Sr. Alicia gently encouraged the little girl.  “Okay, Rindy, you pray whenever you’re ready and Therese and I will pray with you, okay?”  Rindy smiled, her little face a reflection of happiness and warmth.  Then she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.  “God, please bless Oscar and daddy and help daddy’s body get better.  Bless Alicia and Elaine and Maggie in heaven, and Elizabeth’s goldfish, too.  Bless Therese and mommy most of all, and Pierre, too.  And thank you for the ocean and sand to make castles in because I love it so much!  Amen.”  Then she smiled happily, looking from Therese to Alicia, and touching both women with her childlike innocence and cherubic glow.

 

     Therese leaned over and kissed the little girl on the cheek.  “Rindy, that was such a beautiful prayer! Thanks for letting me pray with you.  And for praying for me!”

 

     “I prayed with my friend Elizabeth, and then with Alicia.  So now I know how, all by myself.”  Then, as was typical, she moved on to another subject.  “Can we go to the beach now?”

 

     Therese laughed, leaning over to put her arms around Rindy and give her a squeeze and a kiss on the top of her head.  “You, Little Miss When Are We Going!  You are up very early and so full of energy!”

 

     “Daddy says I’m Tigger,” Rindy replied.  “ ‘Specially in the morning, but I love the morning!” she said conversationally.  “And I love Tigger, too, because he’s so happy, but especially I like Pooh.  I wish he was my friend, but I have Pierre, right?”

 

     Swallowing a laugh at the child’s non-stop chatter, Therese caught Sr. Alicia’s eye and thought the nun looked rather gleeful and child-like herself.  Then Alicia said, “Rindy dear, I have an idea.  How about if Therese goes and gets some coffee started, and you and I can go out on the porch and read a Winnie the Pooh story?  I think Elaine and Maggie have a copy of the book somewhere on their shelves.”

 

     Rindy smiled, moving her feet about excitedly.  “Really?  Oh, yes, please read Pooh!  And then we’ll go to the beach!”

 

 

 

                                          _____________________________________________

 

     Later, when Therese would think back on that Sunday of Labor Day weekend, 1953,  it would be with  a visual sense that every moment was brushed with gold, as if a golden filter had been placed over the camera in her mind’s eye,  The weather was perfect, in the high 70s without the stifling humidity common to the New York area at that time of year.  The cool breeze blowing off the lovely, vast, blue-green ocean was a kiss from heaven, the steady, constant movement of waves to shore like a soothing hug.  The sky was a clear, bright, cobalt blue and the sun came down upon them all day long in seeming benevolence, warming salty skin made cool by its time kicking up the frothy ocean water at the shoreline, or frolicking in the waves coming in like an endless line of partners waiting for their chance to dance.

 

     She would remember that Elaine had come down to the beach after lunch, kite in hand, intent on teaching Carol and Rindy how to fly it, while she and Alicia looked on with delight.  She would see Carol, blond hair streaming out behind her, slender arms extended toward the sky, and long legs churning through the wet sand, whooping in childlike joy as the red kite finally took flight and her daughter ran beside her in the shade of her shadow.  She would hear Rindy shout in victory, clapping her hands as she hopped in place exuberantly, and feel her heart turn over at the sight of Carol crouched behind the small child as she had her turn holding the flying kite, their two blond heads together and sun-kissed faces raised to the sky as they watched its graceful, playful flight.  It would remain forever one of the most beautiful sights she would ever see.

 

     Therese would remember, too, that Alicia and Elaine had volunteered to take Rindy to town after her nap and get ice cream.  As the car had driven away Therese and Carol had clasped their hands together and wordlessly walked back into the house, heading for the bedroom without a moment’s hesitation.  And once there they had made love with reckless abandon, their desire erupting in endless waves like those that crashed to the shore outside their window.  She would remember that Carol’s eyes were a fierce, deep blue, her lips tasted of salt and strawberries and her skin like the sea.  She would hear her lover’s moans and wild cries of release as she loved her with her lips and tongue, her brunette head buried in Carol’s dark, secret center, musky and wet now with a scent that made Therese feel she had fallen into the mysterious depths of the ocean.  She would feel her own body shivering, quivering, shaking with every touch of Carol’s hands and the path of her warm lips following closely behind.  Was Carol ever more seductive than she was that afternoon?  It was like making love with an enchantress sent by the sea to pleasure and please Therese, to stroke and touch and lick her own secret places until she cried out in abandon, opening like a flower to offer her nectar with an overwhelming, generous love that moved her to tears.

 

     She would recall that after dinner they had all strolled along the shore, except Alicia whose hip would not allow it.  She had waited peacefully until they all returned with shining eyes, pink cheeks, and wind-blown hair, Carol carrying a tired Rindy.  And as the child had fallen asleep in her mother’s arms, the four women relaxed on the screened porch sipping Irish whiskey in memory of dear Maggie, talking and sharing and creating a sweet, safe space to call their own.  

 

     Some time just after dusk, when the sky had turned a brilliant red and then mellow deep purple and blue, and the stars had begun to emerge to sparkle above the ocean, the four heard the slightest sound, like something or someone walking and crunching in the dry leaves near the woods adjacent to the beach house.  The sat mesmerized and almost holding their breaths as they watched a doe emerge, her two spotted fawns behind her.  Graceful and strong, she looked left and right to assure safe passage for her young ones who followed behind trustingly, not even raising their heads to see where they were being led.  Therese saw Alicia out of the corner of her eye and knew with certainty this woman had always led her, much like the doe.  She led Carol now, too, like she walked with Elaine, and embraced Rindy in the ever-expanding circle of her joyous, God-fed love.

 

     And Therese knew also, in a moment of such clarity it would amaze and move her for the rest of her life, that whomever or whatever God was, She was like the doe.  She was a protective and benevolent being who loved with immensity and accompanied her little ones every step of the way.  Therese had no idea how she knew this so clearly, but she did.  And it made her smile and give thanks, seeking out Alicia’s eyes and then Carol’s and finally Elaine’s.  It seemed each woman was feeling the same deep, nameless love, Something much bigger than themselves, Someone much more loving.  It was Spirit in their midst, Her embrace quieting, stilling, and covering them in a blanket of peace.

 

     The sky grew dark and the stars more bright.  And the memory would glow forever.

 

 

                                              _________________________________________

 

     Monday morning came and the car was loaded.  As goodbyes were being said and hugs given all around, Rindy ran back into the house without explanation.  Carol, Therese, Alicia and Elaine looked at each other with unspoken understanding of the child’s precipitous actions, patient and amused and curious all at once.  She came back soon, running with two candles in her hands, both of then encased in colorful glass votive holders.  Carol cringed.

 

     “Nerinda!  Why are you running with glass in your hands?  You know better than that!  And why are you taking something from Elaine’s home?”  There was embarrassment and exasperation in her voice, and perhaps she spoke more sharply than she would have wanted.

 

     Rindy looked chastened, tears coming quickly to her blue eyes.  “But mommy, I wanted to ask Elaine something,”  she said with a quiver in her voice.  “Is it…can I do that?”

 

     Now Carol felt chastened herself.  Releasing the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, she said, “Of course, Rindy.  I’m sorry I snapped at you, sweetheart.”

 

     The little girl smiled at Carol sweetly with all seemingly forgotten, and then turned to Elaine.  Looking up at the pretty silver-haired woman whose brown eyes now shone with a gentle light, Rindy said, “Elaine, can I have these candles, because I need them!  I really need them!  I need one to pray at mommy’s house, and one to pray at daddy’s house, so is it okay?”

 

     Carol began to object, but Elaine quited her with a look.  Kneeling down, she smiled at Rindy as she looked her in the eyes.  “Of course, Rindy!  I’d be so happy for you to have those candles to pray with! As long as you never try to light them yourself and always ask your mommy and daddy to help, okay?”

 

     Rindy came close and put her arms around the older woman’s neck, squeezing tightly.  “I will, I will!  Oh, thank you, Elaine!  Now I can pray just like Alicia!”  Her smile lit the soft, muted, early morning like one of the last stars to fade with the rising of the sun.  “I’m going to pray that God lets me see you and Alicia again, too!  And mommy and Therese all the time!” 

 

     Elaine’s eyes filled with tears, as she was deeply touched by the girl’s loving, hopeful sentiments.  Neither Carol, nor Therese, nor Alicia dared try to speak or even could, and so after collecting herself for a moment, Elaine hugged Rindy tightly and whispered, “I’ll be praying, too, honey, I’ll be praying too!”

 

 

 

 

  1. 26



 

 

 

Dear Alicia,                                                                                                                          September 18, 1953

   

     Well, it’s been two weeks since Labor Day and I have to say that on some level Carol and I are still basking in the glow of that weekend!  It was simply more than wonderful, and I’d find it hard to say just how much.  We’ve taken the time to write a thank you to Elaine, and I wanted to take the time to thank you, too, because it was all your idea.  You swami, you!

 

     My thank you goes deeper though, Alicia.  You being back in my life is such a gift!  I whisper a thank you over and over that when Carol contacted you, even though you were on sabbatical and recovering from your own illness and exhaustion, you said “yes” to seeing me again.  I find that so incredibly generous of you.  I think it will always move me.

 

     One of the more profound awarenesses I had over the Labor Day weekend was that I finally felt a sense of belonging.  To Carol, to you, to our makeshift little family with Rindy and Elaine added in.  I’ve spent so much of my life alone, detached, adrift.  To have the experience of _belonging_ is new and different for me, but so life changing I also can’t describe it. 

 

     I’m not an idiot and I know that families can be pure hell.  My own mother hurt me more than anyone has ever done, so I feel like walking proof.  But I learned over Labor Day that “families” can also be life-giving and healing and a joy to be a part of.  And that the belonging itself can be healing _.  Just that_.  It seems like a miracle, and maybe it really is.

 

     And you, Alicia, you!  What a Mother’s Day gift Carol gave me—my mother figure!  I feel like you are the first human being I ever belonged to.  I hope it doesn’t scare you to hear me say that!  You have my heart, though.  You had it from the time I was so young…I can only imagine I must have been a pain in the neck much of the time (and certainly during adolescence!)—but somehow you tolerated me and  then went so much farther. You cared about me, nurtured me, guided me, and loved me.  I feel overwhelmed with that reality at this moment.  You took the very wounded child I was and loved me enough to keep my damaged heart alive and beating, and I suppose hoping…I’m not sure for what, but I do feel that if not for you the flame of the real me would have been snuffed out, or frozen solid, many moons ago.

 

     _The real me._   I feel that is the Therese you’ve always waited for…you know, behind the anger, the bluster, and the bravado.  Behind the masks, the illusions, the developing personality.  You always asked for and desired the real me.  That truly is a gift of almost unspeakable beauty, and to say thank you sounds dull and inept and woefully insufficient.  What’s more, you gave me _the real you_ in return, and I don’t know if you have any idea how beautiful the real you is.  A masterpiece!

 

     I have these rumblings lately—I haven’t told anyone, not even Carol because I’m hoping they’ll go away—but thoughts of my mother keep coming, and I have bad dreams about her these days.  It frightens me because I’m not sure why this is happening now.  But I had the thought the other day that maybe it’s because I can tolerate it.  I feel loved now, and safe with Carol, with you.  I also am beginning to feel that God is really there, though this is still rather nebulous to me.  I’d rather the mother stuff all went away but I do know that if I need to talk about things I have the two of you to turn to.  And who knows, maybe I’ll actually try praying.  Maybe there is a Divine Presence to support me.  It keeps me hopeful when my inner life gets dark and frightening. (And I feel way too young to be concerned about my inner life!)

 

     So thank you, Alicia, a million times over, for being willing to walk back through the door of my life.  You are so dear to me—a treasure—and I love you and care very deeply for you.  And I truly can’t wait to see you again!  We’ll make plans soon, and I’m so glad you don’t mind my calls!

 

     Love you so much,

        Therese

 

    PS  Carol says “hi” and we both would love to spend Thanksgiving with you!  Elaine, too!

    PSS  You’d better be resting enough!

    PSSS (Is there such a thing?) _I love you._  

 

 

                                               __________________________________________

 

     Therese licked the stamp and placed it on the envelope with satisfaction.  Sitting back in her chair at the dining room table, she let out a breath, smiling to herself as she thought of Alicia.  _That dear, dear_ _woman._   She was mindlessly running a forefinger back and forth across her chin when she heard Carol say, “You’re staring into space as if you’ll find something important there.” 

 

     Therese raised her eyes and smiled at her lover who leaned casually against the kitchen door frame.  Clad in a yellow blouse and her weekend pedal pushers, blond hair piled haphazardly on top of her head,  the younger woman thought Carol looked cheerful, fresh, and achingly beautiful in the early autumn sunshine spilling in through the windows and across the polished wood floor.  Therese smiled, her dimples emerging as if to embrace her rosy lips.  “I just finished writing to Alicia.  Thinking of her always makes me smile.”  She stood, coming over to Carol and sliding her arms around her waist, laying her head on a warm, sweetly scented shoulder.  Squeezing tightly, she murmured, “Thank you again.”

 

     Carol went still and spoke from above Therese’s brunette head.  “Thank me for what, sweetheart?”

 

     “For Alicia, for finding her, for reaching out, bringing her back…”  She pulled back slightly, taking in Carol’s lovely face before standing on her tiptoes to kiss her lips lightly and then again, lingeringly.  “That was a gift of the heart, Carol, and Alicia…she’s turned into a good friend and is always, always a swami for my soul.  I can’t believe how blessed I am!  So thank you,” she said, kissing one cheek, “and thank you again and again,” she said and then kissed the other.

 

     Carol drew the younger woman into her arms and hugged her tightly.  “She’s been a blessing for both of us, darling.  Alicia is a blessing, and she teaches us about blessings.  She _is_ a gift!”  She squeezed a little more tightly.

 

     “She’s my gift, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. You are blessings and treasures.


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